Yo: hey hey Sonny.
Sonny: aint shit brother. Just trying to flourish out here. What’s good tho?
Yo: Can’t complain. You know Homecoming this week. You writing your blog again or nah
Sonny: is an elephant heavy? I’m coming back baby
48 hours from now, Hillen and Argonne will be filled to capacity with melanin oozing from their pores as they enter the latest edition of Morgan State University homecoming. Homecoming is the metropolis of black excellence. Every field of human endeavor will be represented. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers, therapists, entrepreneurs and others will be there ready to reclaim their Morgan State time. After watching a bootleg edition of Hidden Colors 6, it was revealed that Morgan State homecoming was the real reason why Jesus wept. Homecoming is going to be thicker than a lunch lady mustache and we are all here for it. Homecoming brings that nostalgic vibe like the first time you heard Uproar on the Carter 5. I wonder how many people went to Patient First for shoulder pain after trying to do the Harlem shake. As always with events like this, there are guidelines you need to adhere to or your homecoming experience will be short lived.
Rule 1: Babysitter
Parenthood is the most rewarding job an individual can have so why not have one day when you can unwind and let your hair down and have a good time because reality kicks in and it’s back to the routine. For those that are pregnant now, please use precaution and if necessary call Violet from the Incredibles to create a force field to protect you and that young king/queen you are about to bring into the world. If you have a newborn baby, leave that baby at home. If you have to bring the baby make sure they are in a HAZMAT suit. You have no idea what germs these people are carrying. People are sweating, drinking, smoking, using the bathroom and not washing their hands. People trying to kiss the baby on the cheek after they just kissed a dick like yo, my nigga you wilin. If you can’t find a babysitter have no fear, there are babysitting services available at Homecoming. Shout out to the genius who went to Shark Tank to pitch this idea. Another shout out goes to Netta for posting this flyer on Facebook. Besides Ms. Helen, Netta may be the unsung hero of Morgan State. For the record, MCM’s and WCW’s will be nice to each other this week because they want the other person to babysit this weekend. To avoid any let down just line up that babysitter now or face the consequences. Babysitters are going to be the hottest thing on the market since the Kavanaugh trial.
Rule 2: Grooming
If you get your haircut the day of homecoming make sure you wash your hair. You don’t want loose hairs all over the place. You hug a girl and now she got a 5 o’clock shadow. Choose your beard products wisely. I know you want your beard to look like Black Thought from the Roots but if you misuse the products and your beard smell like rancid yogurt then your day is done. Now you getting the Heisman from all the women and getting roasted in all the GroupMe’s across the nation. Also, if you are a hairy individual, trim that shit. Can’t be walking around looking like a yeti in 75-80 degree weather. Today is not the day to experiment with cologne you ain’t familiar with. You don’t want to OD and get roasted like the dude in Anchorman when he put on that sex panther cologne. Go with what you know even if you have to take a scratch and sniff from JcPenney.
Ladies, you aren’t exempt for this rule. Make sure you apply the proper makeup to face ratio. Can’t have you looking like a dark and light skin Michael Jackson at the same time. If you haven’t already, consult your makeup person and get some tips or budget a consultation with a MUA sales rep. The same way y’all look at a guys’ shapeup is the same way we look at those baby hairs. If you need a toothbrush and some blue magic before you walk out the house then do that shit. Also, ladies if you plan on wearing a skirt make sure you shave man. You can’t be wearing a skirt but your legs look like wrangler jeans. Have some couth. Make sure you apply the proper deodorant/BMI ratio for Saturday’s festivities.
Rule 3: Drink Responsibly
I know common sense aint so common especially when dealing with alcohol consumption. If you haven’t been to MSU homecoming in a while there are 2 individuals that have the alcohol game on lockdown and that is Mo Wilson and Sammie Johnson. Mo has already declared that the more you tip the more aggressive he will pour not to mention Sammie has been nicknamed Hen’Challa so please govern yourself accordingly. You can end up smooth like Henny Lattimore, Hen Griffey, Henny Lofton and even Henny G if you mixed with something or you can end up like Groove from House party or Weekend at Bernie’s. Whether you are on campus or at the tailgate the alcohol levels will be at an all-time high. This isn’t for the faint at heart. You must give your vital organs a pep talk the same way Kane’s grandfather did in Menace II Society. Your organs will go as hard as Jon Snow in Game of Thrones but after that last shot of Henny your whole body turns into the blob from Hotel Transylvania. Please know your liquor tolerance. If your tongue starts to turn white and your mouth is consistently dry then stop immediately. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling and stumbling. Now you got physical therapy 4 days a week because you tore your ACL and couldn’t stand on your own two feet.
Rule 4: Support each other
In this divisive world we live in today it is imperative to support each other and their endeavors and don’t immediately ask for the homey discount. Be prepared to pay full price for their quality work, but if they give it to you at a discount then that’s a different story. Here are some people in different fields we can support as they begin to brand themselves:
Art- Antonio Moore
Music: Sam Malone, Driz Lo
Literature: I call these people the Justice League of Literature: Archie Barlow, JoRell Whitfield, Carl Michel’, Tsanonda Edwards, Lillian Mitchell aka Regina King according to white yo from This is Us.
Clothing: Trix with OIA, Carmen Green, Ron Green (What’s Up African?)
Catering: Will Lewis
Restaurant: Ifeanyi Nwoko (Montego Bar and Grille)
Makeup: Lauren Johnson, Heather Campbell
The list goes on and on and the best part of this is that these are all Morgan alum. If you can’t support then shame on you and all your complaints against other businesses become null and void
Rule 5: Know the Weather
With technology at our fingertips there is no excuse why you aren’t properly dressed for homecoming. Do your due diligence and make sure are dressed for the occasion. However, the weather can be like Rudy Giuliani because the truth isn’t the truth. Currently, the weather for Saturday is 72 degrees which is perfect hoody weather. Fellas, guard your hoodies like you guard your player on 2K because Swiper will be out in full effect. Please check the forecast Saturday morning and decide your outfit from that because it could be chilly like a woman’s response when a man says, ‘why you aint smiling’ or it could be lit like Kings Dominion during Black College Weekend. If you know you know-Pusha T voice. Please have multiple outfits because if its Homecoming 2013 when it was 90 degrees, a lot of us will be melting like the wicked witch of the west in Wizard of Oz. Fellas, I know it’s October and you think you are in the clear but if you are a big nigga you are never in the clear. Have your washrag on deck at all times.
Rule 6: Know your Priorities
Before every homecoming you have to make adult decisions such as which bill am I going to pay, which one I am going to let slide until the following week. Am I eating Hot dogs and baked beans for the week just to save up for a party? Who is going to watch these kids (refer to rule 1 if you forgot already)? If you haven’t secured the time off from work yet, don’t be an idiot and do a no call no show. Look you knew 2 weeks ago when the party flyers starting coming out who was throwing what and when and where. If you frugal look for the parties that have the free cover (i.e. Montego Bar and Grille Friday Night see the flyer from Kian Gumbs for further details. Shit that party has a free buffet. Can’t go wrong with that at all). You don’t have to go broke in order to have fun this weekend. Don’t OD before you get paid with a reality check that your ass can’t cash. You living your best life now if you take the F out you are living your best lie. Get your priorities straight before you turn into Jada Pinkett from Set it off and have to fuck that old man for your gas and electric bill. If you have to turn into Jason Pitts for this weekend, that is ok, just find ways you can indulge and still have something for the following week. We are all responsible adults so moderation is key but if you have everything under control then take this weekend and fuck it all the way up.
Rule 7: Greetings
Nothing more special than seeing black people greet each other with love. The handshake is a bond between two individuals that shows mutual respect for one another and can generate lifelong friendships. Aint nothing like seeing you dap 10 individuals with 10 different handshakes and be genuinely happy with each other’s presence.
If you see 2 men greeting each other:
M1: ok ok, I see you play boy. Out here flourishing and shit
M2: sheeeeeeeeit nigga that’s you. You the one with the red cup. I’m tryna get like you fa real
M1: yea ard. Keep doing ya thing. Proud of you yo
M2: my nigga *handshake*
Since, ladies travel in packs it will be: Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia, Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki, Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky, Cookie, well, I met her in a food truck line, Tonya, Diane, Lori, and Carla, Marina, Selena, Katrina, Sabrina, about three Kim’s, LaToya, and Tina, Shelley, Bridget, Cathy, Rasheeda, Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita, Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda, Donna, Ulanda, Tawana, and Wanda walking across the bridge then they see you:
Them: *screams all loud* KISHA
Kisha: hey girl
Them: yes ma’am. Won’t SHE do it. well come on hair. Come thru body. Yaaaaaaaaaaaas. Work it out hunty
Kisha: girl stop. Naw keep going
Embrace the love and enjoy yourself
Rule 8: Tailgating
I was listening to Sam Malone the other day and he has a song that symbolizing what you should do at the tailgate. It’s called Settle Down. In the hook, he says ‘seen too many dark nights, that’s why I sometime leave the car parked nights and settle down, settle down, settle down, settle down’. The tailgate is homecoming inside of homecoming. I can honestly say that I’m not washed but I’m in the laundry basket though. Like, I’m too old to be on campus and in the suite trying to get some NUPE juice but I ain’t old enough to be in the alumni tent by Montebello. I’ve been a NUPE 15 years now, what I look like searching for a young nigga to make sure I get a plate with some NUPE juice like I ain’t an OG but at some point you gotta realize that aint the scene for you. You gotta keep it real with yourself and just go to greener pastures which is the tailgate across the street. Picture this: Over a thousand people. Melanin is popping like Orville Redenbacher and skin is glistening like a chicken box from Sunny’s and there is nothing but space and opportunity for a story that only Zane can write. It’s gonna be tons of food, liquor, music and people reminiscing on the good times they had at Morgan State. This is the party before the party. Listen closely if you know on a normal Saturday night you inside chilling with no makeup or a bra on, please know your body will not be ready for a tailgate at MSU. You must start your homecoming prep about a month ago. You have to train like Floyd Mayweather for this event because once the sun goes down Friday night you may not sleep again until Monday Morning. It might be wise to take Monday off if you have that type of flexibility. Alert your body now because the DJ will be going ham with the Philly Set, Diplomats set, Reggae, Baltimore Club, Go-go, NYC shit and now you need a nap before you go to the real party. Ladies make sure you are prepared for anything especially when you hear, “Cash money records taking over for the 99-2000”. Those lyrics will be relevant forever and ass clapping must commence upon hearing this.
Rule 9: Breast to Chest Hug
Some rules will never change and breast to chest hugs is one of them. Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner that turns into a security guard for Beyoncé then leave that nigga home. Homecoming is the time where Christian hugs are thrown by the wayside and it’s nothing but breast to chest. Fellas make sure your neck is bathed thoroughly- king jaffe jofer voice from coming to America. Your hug should be like when Will and Jada see each other after a long day at work. Weak hugs will be dismissed. Tread lightly with the hug though because you can’t be all brick on a lady without her consent. This MeToo movement is real and it aint worth the risk. On the other hand it could turn into an Xvideos shoot. Either way, homecoming is your time to flourish
Rule 10: Let the Greeks Build
This is a monumental year for many Greeks in their perspective organization which means they are going to talk that shit on Saturday. There will be all types of exclusive fashion choices and downright pandemonium. Just let the Greeks live man. 2003 was one hell of a year for Morgan State. You had AKA’s, Deltas, Kappas, Sigmas and Iotas cross that year and best believe they came to take names. I have an over/under with respect to Greek members:
Over/under: 3 fathers snatched by Carmen Green. But that will be reduced to 2 because one of them will have green bubbles
Over/under: 2 marriage proposals for Kamilah Goodrich. But that may increase to 3 or decrease to 1 after she finds out you’re a Ravens fan
Over/under: 5 of these conversations, “you know I’ve always had feelings for you since Dr. Fleetwood class”
What a time to be alive ladies and gentlemen. I know there are more rules but this should get you through another homecoming at the national treasure known as Morgan State University,