Memorial Day is a few days away and with good weather hopefully this weekend will be more lit than PFK Boom leanin on Jamal Bryant. Memorial Day is the opening day for cookout season. Yea I know some of you grill all year long and we salute you but that was the preseason. In other words none of those meals don’t count as cookout season is amongst us and it’s time to eat good.
Let’s get some things straight. There are certain foods you shouldn’t bring such as any forms of salad that you can get in a bag at Giant, no selfish ass meats such as 4 turkey burgers even though you invited 15 people, if I see you bring cole slaw you will designated to Hold the Door duty for the whole season and for the love of yourself try not to bring the off brand drinks such as Dr. Pop, Mountain Buzz or anything from Save a Lot. If you’re known for desserts don’t do the mac and cheese and vice versa. Govern yourself accordingly. Please practice proper etiquette when you are invited to a cookout.
Here are some of the Sonny Rules to Cookout Season…shout out to Notorious BIG for the inspiration of this manual when he dropped this line…’ I been in this game for years, it made me an animal It’s rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual A step by step booklet for you to get your game on track”
- If you got a dirty house please clean that shit up before we come over. I don’t want to think that I drop a chocolate chip when it’s really a mouse dropping. (Look they were here before us but that doesn’t mean we have to see them)
- Make sure you have proper utensils for the grill because you don’t wanna be flippin burgers or turning over chicken with a spoon.
- 7 P’s: Piss Poor Performance Promotes Piss Poor Performance…for example if you’re cookout starts at 4 don’t wait until 3 to go to Costco, BJ’s, SAM’s Club or Walmart to get the meats, plates and everything else having us waiting until 7 to eat when start time for 4.
- If you can’t beat the computer in Spades what makes you think you gonna beat a real person. Playing Spades at a cookout can turn into a Las Vegas Casino or Las Vegas after an event (ask Pac and Biggie).
- Make sure your grill is operational before you start: Don’t go to Lowe’s and buy a grill at 1 then tell people come at 2.
- Have a diverse playlist. Everybody don’t wanna hear nigga, bitch, hoe, I sell all the dope and I get all the pussy 50 times before the hook nor do we only wanna Beethoven’s greatest hits
- Biggie said it first: this rule is so underrated/ Keep your family and business completely separated/Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch/Find yourself in serious shit
Translation: Bringing your white or co-worker that isn’t the same race as you to all black cookout where topics such as police brutality, politics, the injustice of the black man or sports it may not be the best idea especially if he/she writes your check.
- Ladies, if you bringing ya man for the first time around your friends make sure you don’t ditch him and be with your girls the whole time as a matter of fact make him a plate give him a drink and an occasional ‘you alright baby’ would suffice.
- Fellas, Read rule number 8
- To the Grill Master: please know the ratio when making hamburgers. Imma grown ass man dog, I am too big to be eating hockey pucks for hamburgers
- If you are a rookie in the kitchen the cookout will not serve as your All-Star game because we don’t have time for the fuck shit
- If you are only here through a friend of a friend of a friend who is just a friend of the family keep your mouth shut and enjoy the free meal
- If the cookout has crabs and you didn’t put in on those crabs keep your crabby patty hands away from the crabs unless you received an evite that you can eat the crabs
- If you too bougie to do a line dance, electric slide or a 2 step stay the fuck from round me.
- If it’s hot as hell outside you might want to make sure your AC is working in your house because you don’t want people to be uncomfortable.
- Always prepare more than expected because if you invite people they will not eat just 1 hamburger and 1 hot dog and be stuffed.
- Last but not least if you invite me to a cookout and a hour later you ask me to pass you the laptop not for music purposes but for a presentation I will feed my kids sugar and allow to go tazmanian devil on your shit. Respect my free will to eat a meal without hearing the intricacies of a scheme to where you are the only one making real money. I respect your hustle but not while I’m eating grilled food.