I’m Coming Home

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About 48 hours from now, Morgan State University and Northwood Shopping Center will be lit from the crack to dawn to the sun goes down and then kick into overdrive when the stars light up the sky. The only event that can cause this much havoc yet re-create such memories is homecoming. Morgan State University’s homecoming is this Saturday and it’s such a powerful experience that people will come from across the globe in order to say that they were there. But before you get your hair done, haircut, grab a nice outfit, or go to the MAC Store to make sure your face is straight, there are some rules that you have to follow in order to make your homecoming successful. It only takes one to mess it up for everybody. It’s like when back in the day there was a fight in school and activities were cancelled so don’t be the fuck up that’s fucks up Homecoming for years to come.

Rule 1: Leave the kids home B

Parenthood is an amazing thing. A lot of people love to re live their college days at homecoming and unless you was a parent during those days leave the kids at home. Your kids don’t understand the experience. They are probably scared to death because it’s so many people. If your goal is to turn up and have fun with some liquor and good food bringing your kids will create an anti-climactic story. My rule is unless they are in double digits they aint coming. They can come to the parade and all that but once kickoff starts they are at their designated location. Fellas don’t use your kid to get some single father pussy knowing you a deadbeat dad or don’t bring your kid just to pass to the mother while you acting like you don’t have a kid in the first place. Ladies don’t blow your budget trying to have your kid fresh to death knowing you got those Kidgets diapers from the Family Dollar and you praying somebody buy your kid a chicken wing from Sunny’s.

Rule 2: Make sure your house is in order

Listen, if you have a house nearby the campus just know it’s gonna be a madhouse because everybody will want to come there especially to get their second wind before they go to the party or they could just relax and take notes as they take totes of the marijuana smoke to recap the events of the day. So make sure all bills are paid in advance, house clean, bathroom is clean, paper towels and toilet paper. If they want food then start that process once they arrive because this aint my pay week and I got Lunchables and Kool Aid Jammers to get for my kids. Your house needs to look like you showcasing it to a potential buyer. Don’t risk a turn off notice because your friends will turn into Flavor Flav and say, “I aint got nothing for ya man”

Rule 3: Drink Responsibly

It’s nothing but red cups, Snapple, mystic and other types of bottles in every one’s hand at homecoming and guess what it’s all liquor in those cups. Please know your liquor tolerance. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling, mumbling and stumbling (Chris Berman voice) up and down the campus or at the tailgate and with the ratio of men to women being so wide don’t ruin your chances because you turned into weekend at Bernie’s’. Nothing wrong with a little shot of Henny quite frankly I turn into Hen Griffey when the henny in the system and I live the slogan, “Hennething is Possible”. I feel like Billy Dee Williams in Mahogany. I know some ladies are laughing at that but I’ve bagged plenty off that henny.

Rule 4: Know the temperature

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. If it’s 50 degrees, shorts and tank top might not be the best idea even if you want to show off your new leg and arm tattoo. Be smart before you look like Roscoe from those Martin skits. Prepare multiple outfits as the weather changes frequently.

Rule 5: Don’t reinvent yourself

Hear ye hear ye…more than likely we know your relationship status beforehand especially if you are on social media so please don’t try to steal the pussy or dick from someone else wrecking their home. Beware of the person that knows your status and still shoots the J and tries to get some play. Don’t let the temptation get the best of you. If you married before homecoming you want to stay married after homecoming. Don’t let a homecoming hook up ruin your life. You don’t want those problems over here big fella (chance the rapper voice). Look if you couldn’t bag shorty when she didn’t have the freshman 15 or responsibilities, what makes you think you can bag her now after she got the thick thirty and you got a mortgage and kids to raise. Get your hug (a future rule), maybe kiss on the cheek, have a laugh or two and get low.

Rule 6: Know your wallet

Look every promoter in the world will have a party this weekend but if you got a picture of Julius from Everyone Hates Chris in your wallet just know you can’t go to every party. First of all those club prices aren’t going to be the same club prices that it would have been on a normal Saturday so that could deter your plans off the rip. To be honest you probably can’t afford it and that’s ok because you are now a responsible adult and moderation is key.

Rule 7: Protect yourself at all costs

Look it’s gonna be some fine women there trying to get chose and for real, fellas are going to put on their finer threads to showcase their fashion sense. You might be lucky and get some but like the rule says protect yourself at all costs. Let’s be real your body count has increased since college but you know what else increased…these diseases.  To quote the late Tommy Ford, you may GTD but don’t get a STD. Pregnancy is real. Don’t become an after school special.

Rule 8: Dress to make sure you’re comfortable

It’s gonna be a long day so wearing something tight might not be the best idea. Fellas, if you built like Kung Fu Panda wearing some of these designers might not be the move for you and that’s ok. When I was at Morgan there were a few big dudes that always stepped up the dress game for the big fellas and always keep me on my toes. Shout out to my man D. Murry, my man Kane and my man L. Guy. We can’t look like we are 38 weeks pregnant trying to squeeze into a designer shirt. Know your limits. No one knows your body better than yourself so act like it when you are at homecoming. For example, if you don’t wear heels, homecoming ain’t the time for an experiment with heels especially if you want to try and be cute and for the life of us and all the latter-day saints please don’t walk on cobblestone with heels on. If the length of your heels is on Hillary Clinton level just wear some flats. I know somebody is having a sale somewhere. Get some real women dollars and purchase a nice pair of flats and your feet will thank you later. The last thing you want is your feet looking like the hamburger helper glove.

Rule 9: you’re at the party now what

You’ve paid your money. You got your drink and you scoping the scene looking at potential targets and all that shit but make sure you have a good time. Fellas, if you know you don’t have the leg strength stop trying to pick a jawn up off the ground and we too old to be holding your big ass up as you freak a young jawn with the amber rose booty. Ladies, if you know after a night of dancing you gonna need some Ben-Gay, trying to take over for the 99-2000 may not be the best move for you. You can’t afford to take Monday off because your arthritis has flared up and you got the gout. Master the 2 step and continue to flourish.

Rule 10: Get your hug

Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. Homecoming is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Joop but I don’t know your budget. But get your hug. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn homecoming into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, homecoming is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

Bonus Rule: Let the Greeks prosper

There is someone that you know that is Greek and they have remained their true self even after they crossed and they are some that don’t just keeping it a bean. But there is a particular time after the game in which Greeks will participate in their homecoming ritual. Let them Greeks prosper man. Don’t try to jump in their circle because they are worse than the Bey-hive. Don’t be talking about you could have been one but didn’t because your dog died or some silly shit like that and if you not Greek bringing up certain stories aint the move. For example don’t say yo son I wonder which Delta painted the AKA shield back in the day. Like on some real shit if you don’t know which one it was or if it even was a Delta that did that you ain’t gonna find out now. What you think this is? The 1-800-GetIndicted Hotline.

There are many more but play your cards right and your homecoming experience will be awesome baby with a capital A; but if you decide to deviate from this you will have 365 days of regret. Fortune favors the bold so how bold will you be.

 

Kids say the Darndest Things

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Look at this girl’s face. She’s pretty right. This is my daughter Morgan. She’s 7 years old and very smart but she’s getting to that age where she is asking questions that makes me think before I answer because if I answer it wrong then she’s asking another question and the cycle continues until I’m like, ‘shit I don’t know ask ya mother yo’. See the thing with me is that I love my daughters to the death but I know there’s gonna be a point where she gonna say something smart at the big fella and quite frankly I aint here for the fuck shit. I’m letting you know now I’m not ready for the smart remarks, side eyes and slick talk. My goal right now is to instill respect and fear at the same damn time-future voice. I want her to respect me enough that she can ask questions to gain clarity but have a level of fear in the event she come at me reckless. Like you knew you was wrong but you asked for it baby-DMX voice.  I have a sister and she has prepared me somewhat for these types of moments. Thanks Sis.

Shout out to Sammie and Netta because this is one of them #aightboomcheckit aka #whatyouwontdo type of stories involving a conversation me and my daughter Morgan. So aight boom check it, Morgan, my wife and I travel to White Marsh Mall to pick up a Lane Bryant order and get something for Morgan since she’s been doing great in school. Normal right hell no aint nothing normal in the Grayson household but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Pulling up to the mall blasting that Gucci or something trap like getting in the Julius from everybody hates Chris mode because I didn’t do the budget for the week so I’m frantic but I was told at a young age ‘don’t let them see you sweat plus you damn big to show emotion’. When I go to the mall with my wife she sometimes get the Biggie mentality and be like ‘clear the mall out fuck the fall out’ where I’m like shit that’s 67 dollars’ worth of jean jacket right there. You can’t wear a jean jacket with the sleeves cut I mean that should be only 35 dollars right. See I am a product of the big man syndrome. You ask what the big man syndrome is. The big man syndrome is when you are presumed to be mad at all times unless you’re smiling. Has anyone ever asked what’s wrong and nothing be wrong with you but since you aint smiling or laughing so something is wrong? It’s worse for a big fella so you better smile or else. If this has happened and you a big fella you might have big man syndrome. So I’m walking with my daughter and outta nowhere my daughter says this shit:

Morgan: ‘Daddy why you don’t smile? Why you so boring? You don’t ever have no fun you aint fun’

Me: What you say yo??? (My face was screwed up like bobby brown at this point)

Morgan: (thinking aww shit I might have fucked up but I got ma dukes right here so I’m good)…. “Daddy why you not smiling…aww never mind”

Quianna: Naw Morgan don’t be scared say what you gotta say. See Sonny kids be knowing man. She is speaking that truth. Tell him Morgan. Read him Morgan read him (add 3 snaps)

Now, Morgan getting gassed up like Sunoco all laughing and real confident. Quianna laughing all hard. Morgan laughing all crazy and I’m going through mad scenarios in my head. I realize at times I can be ruthless with my words so I got to be wiser when I shoot my verbal ammunition and since I felt blindsided  I felt the need to go Jon Snow on both these people. Should I go James Evans and say, “I’m boring huh. See how boring I am when you don’t have no food in the fridge or no cable in the house or no fresh shoes I bet you aint saying I’m boring then”? Should I go Julius from Everybody Hates Chris and say, “that’s 48 cents worth of breath right there I suggest you be quiet”. See I think my wife giving Morgan that courage upped the ante and deep down I know she was joking (I think she was but since I aint know for sure I still need to proceed with caution). I chose another option and laughed it off and said, ‘yo Morgan wilin for real. She dummin out on the big fella’ and then went silent the whole time I was in the mall.

I took the silent approach because honestly I didn’t know how to answer the question without coming off mean and with me being 6’0 damn near 330 that would cause a scene so let me chill. By me going silent it allowed me to decompress and think damn am I really boring hell no not Sonny Brasco but to Morgan, Reid and Hannah I’m dad so she might have a point. I think what made it worse was every 5 minutes Quianna asking me ‘you mad or nah’ and snickering. In all actuality I was just prepared to eat that one and move on but when Morgan said, ‘why you can’t be like mom’ that when I was like fuck it, it’s go time.

Me: Why I can’t be like Mom? What does that mean yo? Morgan you say I’m boring right. Give me an example because you buggin talking to me like that. (I think Morgan was looking at me transform to the angry yo from Inside Out and thought is this what happens when Keeping it Real goes Wrong because if it is I don’t like this)

Morgan: I mean dad you not smiling like you not happy. Aren’t you happy with me? Don’t we make me happy?

Me: (See how she tried to flip it on me real quick. She flipped it like Simone from the Olympics. My kids are the real sour patch kids like how I am supposed to respond to some shit like that. Well played Morgan well played) Of course I’m happy so let’s get to the bottom of this so you don’t say nothing crazy like to me no more yo.

I know I know she’s only 7 but this is how I talk.

Morgan: I mean you laugh on vacation or when we watching movies or when we together so when you weren’t laughing I just thought you were mad. Maybe I shouldn’t said boring what I mean was mad’

Me: I’m good yo just chillin for real aint nothing serious. But you gotta make sure you know what you saying before you say it because you may not like my response next time.

Morgan: ok dad. (Then we do a handshake and we back to normal shit)

I wonder if I gave Morgan energy that just threw her synergy off and she was like yo from Belly when he was like…’I don’t like that shit…naw I don’t like shit’. I have to realize that my kids is watching my every move even when I was just chillin and the wild part this is just the beginning. I’m not looking forward to her getting older and there’s still Hannah. Come on man-Cris Carter voice.