Statute of Limitations


You’re a married individual with kids and a mortgage and countless bills that make your check look like why am I working in the first place but I’m thankful for everything that I have. Now let’s be real every man and woman has a past which includes past lovers. When I was younger, I wanted the virgin but as I got older I wanted more of a frolicking nun. Like I don’t want someone who is in the Guinness Book of Records but if you have some experience great. I know there are past lovers but I don’t want to be in a room with a bunch of niggas and the only thing we got in common is your pussy and head game. It’s like he got one up because the same faces and same moves you do on me was done on him and God forbid he was the one that taught you that. It reminds me of the 3rd verse of Hotline Bling when Drake says, “These days, all I do is/ Wonder if you’re bendin’ over backwards for someone else/ Wonder if you’re rollin’ up a backwoods for someone else/ Doing things I taught you, gettin’ nasty for someone else. The nonverbal communication between all 3 parties is crazy because we all have one thing in common and that’s the game. It’s very key on how each other plays this out because it can turn into a senseless act of violence or it could turn into some chill shit where it’s an event that happened in the past but the present and the future is with me so I’m chilling. In the beginning it can be a stare down where the one that hit it first can turn into Hov and recite this classic lyric, “Because you know who did you know what with you know who but just keep that between me and you…come on”

Some people just take it and be like hey man it is what it is and it’s no problem because what you may have disregarded someone else turned her or him into a treasure. Is there a statute of limitations where meeting a guy or girl of your significant other’s past? If you a married man does it matter who her man was when she was 17 but now she 35?  But, if this person was the last person before you does the rules change? Do the same rules apply for men? If you a married woman do you feel some type of way if you meet a woman from your dude’s past? Would you go out to dinner and break bread with someone that has had the same dick as you? Do you feel insecure or is it nothing but you got the grand prize which is the husband? Does distance matter? For example if she is from Boston but now lives in Baltimore and she visits home about 4 times a year and one of those times she goes she want you to hang out with her and this former flame even though he is married as well. Do you go or are you like fuck that?

So I’m over a friend house and this exact situation came up. Check this shit out:

Wife: hey bae when we go back to visit my family, we were invited for drinks with Jason

Husband: who Jason yo?

Wife: someone I grew up with and we briefly dated when I was like 16. (For the record she is 35 now)

Husband: never heard of yo before but it’s whatever

Wife: so do you wanna go or nah

It was at this moment where their daughter who is about 9 intervened. First thing I’m thinking is oh shit lil yo about to get popped for jumping in a grown folk conversation but that didn’t happened and I was floored with what she said.

Daughter: Daddy I know how you feel

Dad: oh word how you am I feeling

Daughter: you feel embarrassed

Dad: hi-5 baby girl that’s wzup but on some real shit don’t jump in my conversation when me and your mother are talking. Got it

I was thinking damn son Kids say the Darndest Things but should he have been embarrassed like his daughter said or was he reaching. He remind me of Lance from the Best Man when he was about to marry Mia but all he could think about is how Harper fucked his soon to be wife. Why would he feel embarrassed? For all we know he may not have fucked for real so you making the assumption that every dude she was with fucked. Is that an accurate assumption a man or woman should make with respect to their past lovers.

Wife: I aint checking for him, he aint checking for me. He just did a bid and she stayed with him because Lord knows nigga I’m out and he got lady hips and no facial hair. Fuck I look like leaving you for that nigga. He ain’t  helping with these kids or mortgage plus you lay it down daddy.

Daughter: is that how I got here mommy because daddy lays down a lot.

That was my cue to dip and I said ‘yo just hit me when you get a chance’

Should he go on the date with his wife when they go back home? Is this a big deal? Have you experienced this and if so how did you handle it? If he says no, should she still go since they grew up together? Let me know your thoughts.

#plottwist Have you been with your significant other and one of your former partners enters the room? Were you nervous like Issa when Daniel came to her party? I know rule number one is never let them see you sweat so do you have a waiting to exhale moment and snap back to reality. What if these two men/women form a friendship even though the other guy knows he has had sex with your wife in the past? Do you tell him/her during a truth moment session or no? Now if your significant other finds out from him/her instead of you then the trust may be compromised and he can possibly turn into Lawrence from insecure and start banging someone’s walls loose like that Migos lyric. I state this because if he/she tells you then it comes from a place of malice because you are the one like neo from the matrix while they were just second place and we all know no one remembers second place. For example in soul food when Mekhi phifer beat up that light skin yo after he told her he used to jam her and he deserved it especially after he said ‘I used to call her Coca Cola because she had that Coca Cola bottle shape’. On the other hand, it can lead to your partner getting his ass whipped like Cuty did Anthony on Dead Presidents. It can go a number of ways. We all have a past and that can’t change.

Me personally I wouldn’t want to know if they were complete strangers because it’s like the saying goes, if you weren’t there then it didn’t happen. But, if we were friends or knew of each other like to the point that they know that’s the misses then I would want to know because now I know how to handle the situation. As long as he don’t bring it up then it’s cool but the minute it comes up then we got to shoot the fair one. However, there are rules to this shit and they should be followed to the utmost degree.  The last thing you want to do is embarrass your partner especially in public. Even though the discussion about your former self was told it was the 2-d version because you saw it but couldn’t touch it like watching a movie but now seeing it in 3-D it adds a different layer that everyone can’t handle. As Taxstone would say ‘be safe tho’


Diary of a Big Yo Weightlifting


Well the New Year is upon us. New Year. New Me. Time to go ham on these realistic goals. This is not going to turn into a weekly diatribe. This is more about certain shenanigans that occurred the first time I went to the gym for the New Year. First things first it was good to get back in the swing of things lifting weights. It was around 10:30 in the morning and it was a day off so I knew it was going to be packed but son it was packed like Kings Dominion during Black College Weekend. Everybody was on the treadmill, elliptical and Stairmaster but it was weird because it was only men doing cardio and the women were lifting weights. It wasn’t a lot of alpha activity going on. I mean more alpha female then anything. Is this a new thing? Are women trying to take over for the 99-2000? Are men trying to be extra lean? These are genuine questions because I do a little of both but I like lifting weights more than cardio. It was crazy. You had people signing up for new membership and then others are doing their daily routine and of course you got the one person that gotta Snapchat, Facebook live and let the world your next move. On a serious note can someone tell me why people lifting weights with a fitted cap on. You get the hat all sweaty and the shape is being compromised and I hope you don’t wear that with your finest attire.

It was a different scene then what I’m used to because I normally go at night or around 430 in the morning so going around 10 am it was crazy. Not to mention it was a day off for everyone so it was thick like WIC peanut butter. I remember signing in and looking at the treadmill and I was viewing the treadmill like a urinal in the men’s bathroom. Maybe it’s me but if there’s a one treadmill gap between people I won’t use it. It could be a big boy complex and I think that there isn’t enough room and then I’m sweating all crazy and I ain’t getting any sweat on anyone else. Nevertheless, I was able to find a treadmill and I knocked out my time while watching ESPN and now it’s on to the weights and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.

I decided to work on chest so I put 225 on the bench and I start to hype myself up a little bit plus Jeezy was blasting through the speakers so I’m ready. I look to the left of me and it’s another dude with the same weight on the bench and he’s looking at me like the Kevin Hart skit when he was in the gym and he was about to lift weights. So he did about 9 on 225 and he was like, ‘that’s how you lift weights. I ain’t seen you before. You look new’. In my mind I’m like yeah you wouldn’t see me during the day because I got a job my man. I just laughed it off and kept going toward my bench when he said that I couldn’t do what he just did.

Bench guy: you playing. You ain’t about this life here playboy. Real man weight over here

Me: playboy. What you just watch A-Team before you came to the gym?

Bench: I mean what’s up then

Right then and there I was like fuck it. Game time. Maybe it was the weightlifting gods initiating me to the new line of weightlifters. I knew it was all ego because he was smaller than me so his 8 or 9 is equivalent to at least double digits because my size. At this moment my mind turned into a Kermit meme:

Sonny: Should I just do 10 and workout with him since we lifting the same weight?

Sonny Savage: man you from over west yo fuck this nigga. Big and black is back. Stop playing with this clown. It’s time to get down or lay down and if you lay down you stay down cuz we don’t play around. Annihilate this dude leave his bench then go to your bench put 315 on and say get ya weight up lil nigga.

It’s safe to say Savage Sonny emerged from the depths of hell and did 225 20 times then walked to my bench put on 315. I only did like 7 so I’m not Incredible Hulk but then I ended it with a mean stare and a ‘get ya weight up lil nigga’

Bench: I see you playboy. Aight aight. But you the big homie though like that should be light work anyway. Then he tries to shake my hand and I’m like aight yo happy New Year. One day you can be lift big weights.

So until I left the benching area I could see that he was looking at what I was doing. Then I switch to the reverse grip bench press and it fucked the whole game up. He starts asking me mad questions then he wanted to try something light so I put on 185. At about the 3rd rep his breathing starts to change and he was done. I do a casual 12 and I go about my business. I knew I became petty when I asked him, ‘you want a bottle of water yo’. He ain’t say shit but I mean why challenge me. Why did you think if you beat me you get a shot at the world championship belt? This ain’t wrestling my G so lift your weights and go home.  I can say that with consistency and a change of diet, I could be cut up like the Thing from the Fantastic 4 or at least Mr. Incredible because right now I’m looking like Kung Fu Panda. I know it’s a process so it won’t change overnight and for those in the same boat or just trying to get healthier keep going and when you think you about to quit always remember why you started in the first place.