48 hours for now there will be 2 teams fighting for the right to call themselves champions of the National Football League. For the rest of us, Sunday marks another Super bowl party where there will be plenty of food, liquor, women and weed (especially if the game is a blow out). Let’s be real there will be these types of people at the party: those who love the game, those who want to eat, those who want to snapchat with football emojis and those that want to watch This is Us afterwards. To make sure that you have an eventful party please take a look at some of these rules.
Look if you hosting a Super bowl party, you must have a Hi—Def TV. With these new TV advancements the bare minimum is a high definition TV. We are too old for pliers and aluminum foil on the antenna to generate a signal. Face it your friends have come over to watch commercials, the game and This is Us on a Hoshi Toshi not a TV made for a bathroom.
If your kids have to be breastfed, changed frequently or can’t keep still please try to find them a babysitter. Nobody got time to chase a kid around especially if there is fine china present or they got some rent-a-spoons from Rent a Center. Please monitor your kid at someone else’s house. If your kid is badder than a two year old then they ass and maybe even your ass needs to stay home or find a babysitter.
- Know your liquor tolerance
It will be plenty of liquor at this party and you must know your tolerance before you embarrass yourself. It will probably be some fine women at this party and you might be able to snag a young tenderloin; but if you drunk like Groove from House Party then your chances will shrink as fast as Mario hitting an object. Nothing worse than a drunken person in someone’s basement. Know your limits
- Ask permission before you bring someone
Imagine you tell a girl to dress up nice because we are going out and BOOM you are at your friend’s basement and all the other girls is like, “who invited her? Why is dressed like that? I guess Myron gonna give Diamond a ride home” You need to make sure you have received clearance from the host before you bring anyone else to their house.
- Bringing Something
If you are asked to bring something please come thru in the clutch like a perfect transmission. Fellas, if the host asks you to bring some liquor don’t bring a 6 pack of Corona Light beer but the whole time you drinking Henny straight. Are you kidding me-Reggie miller voice? Ladies, you aren’t exempt. If you are bringing food please know your audience. Do not and I repeat do not bring all vegan food to a super bowl party. Now I know you may have seen Carmen Green’s Super bowl vegan recipes on social media (shout out to you for bringing awareness and all that) and think ‘hey that’s a good idea” but it’s not. For one, she is a vegan and furthermore we aint trying to eat that shit if steak, chicken, nachos, hot wings, pizza, subs are on the menu. Have you ever been to a tailgate and you show up with the vegetable tray? What is normally their response? Exactly…Don’t be that guy.
- Making a plate
This rule is strictly for those with significant others who have to stay home with the kids because they didn’t follow rule 2. Please please please don’t go to this super bowl party and not bring home a plate for your lady.
Make sure you do one of the following:
- Ask her did she eat before you leave
- Ask her do you want something to eat before you leave
- Bring her a plate
- All of the above
- None of the above
If you choose E then you are stupid and your lady with some gas from her Wives Group on GroupMe may result in burning all your things in your car like Angela Bassett did in waiting to exhale. And to make matters worse she might delete your player on NBA2K so your road to 99 is now a zero. For real don’t be that guy ever.
- Please have an assortment of food
If you are hosting a super bowl party, you should have an assortment of food. Think of it as a low budget Golden Corral or a weekend selection at the refac. Make sure you have water, soda and other drinks beside alcohol because you have to work tomorrow and you can’t call off work the next day. You are too old to play the Ferris Bueller card and you are also too old to be showing up at work looking like Weekend at Bernie’s.