Between now and sometime Thursday afternoon, families across the globe will gather once again to feast on delectable foods and drinks while giving thanks for what they have. Tomorrow can be summed up in an acronym 3FL (family, food, football and liquor). There’s nothing like generations coming together discussing their life experiences as the kids play and watch football. Sure there is going to be some disapproval because your woke cousin wants to tell us the real meaning of thanksgiving. Man if you don’t sit your Allen Payne from CB4 ass down and eat this food. This nigga just watched Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and now he’s pissed because Franklin was sitting by himself. Nevertheless, we dedicate this day to overeating, mid-day naps, spades, jokes, social media plates and outfit approvals. Dietary restrictions are thrown out the window. In order for this to be a successful thanksgiving, adhere to the rules that I am about to present.
- Be Grateful
No matter your circumstance, there are always blessings to count. Your trials and tribulations are temporary, for the victory is always everlasting. Quite frankly, adversity builds character. Be blessed with the opportunities that you do have because there is someone right now that will trade spots with you instantly and won’t even think twice about it. We take for granted the opportunities that we do have to focus on the trivial stuff such as likes, who’s the most woke and counting people’s pocket. Be thankful for the life that you are able to choose. Yes, sometimes you FAIL but FAIL is just an acronym for First Attempt In Learning. I went to church this weekend and I learned that the opposite of grateful is entitlement. That’s some powerful shit. Paul Gibbons wrote, “Feeling entitled is the opposite of feeling grateful. Gratitude opens the heart, entitlement closes it.” Remember the only thing you are entitled to is death, breath and conflict. But the mere fact you are breathing allows you to be more clarity to difficult circumstances even if it the cost of true understanding is the removal of certain people from your life. Being grateful allows your level of bitterness to be eradicated while focusing on what life still has to offer you. My dad once said, “Life is nothing but an assortment of people battling the unknowns while vying for a positive outcome but you can sum that up in one word: Family”.
The setting is very important because it sets the tone for the evening. As a kid, I grew up going to my grandma every Thanksgiving . It was a foregone conclusion what time food would be ready and what time we were expected to leave but in that span of time, life was celebrated. If you have to go to Auntie house where you got to take your shoes off, plastic is on all the furniture and she has a white room where no one can enter then this become the recipe of disaster. Thanksgiving is a time to be free and let loose and not worry about your Rent-A-Center furniture or your QVC payment plan carpet. Another very important part of the setting is a clean house. Look man you send out the text messages well in advance so as Ruby Dee said in American Gangster, ‘you knew they was coming’. There is no excuse for a dirty house. I understand if you have small children you can get a pass but dishes in the sink, bathroom with the ring around the sink, toilet and tub is unruly. Have some couth you trout mouth heathen. One more thing if this is the first time going to someone’s house take a mental note of all the exits and bathrooms in the event your body starts to do the motion of a Pepto Bismol commercial (Nausea, Heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea). There is nothing worse than having stomach issues and the bathroom is the size of a port-a-potty.
Thanksgiving Day is on November 22 this year, which means that grocery stores will be complete pandemonium starting on the 20th. People will be running around with their carts like they are on Supermarket Sweep. The aisles will be naked like a hood strip club. If you thought parking was an issue before, wait until tonight. Please get all the food you need now before you turn into Heathcliff Huxtable on that Thanksgiving episode. Shoutout to all the people that will flood Planet Fitness the next two days just to blow it on the first Thanksgiving plate but you know why I am here-Marshawn lynch voice. The meal is the climax of the day. We treat thanksgiving dinner like surgery because we don’t eat or drink after midnight the day before. We starve until the food gets ready. I don’t know who needs to read this but let everybody eat first before you bring out the Tupperware and make 6-7 plates to go. Listen here and listen good, today isn’t the day for no new shit. You hear me bih-Ike turner voice. Don’t you dare come to my carnivore ass house with that vegan mac and cheese or the sweet potatoes that’s really smashed carrots dipped in reduced fat syrup. Leave that roasted butternut squash, cauliflower mash potatoes and no calorie Jell-O in your refrigerator. I am eating all the protein, carbs and bread. GAINS bitch. This isn’t the time for newcomers. Cooking food for thanksgiving is like applying for a job. If you don’t have the experience, references or raving reviews you will remain on the waiting list. A live video of your ingredients must be submitted for further review. Match the food item to the cooking ability of the person you assigned it to. Let’s keep it a bean certain meats are overrated with respect to Thanksgiving, it’s the sides where Thanksgiving shines the most. You better flourish macaroni and cheese, stuffing, sweet potatoes, greens, biscuits and whatever else you want to have. I’m only going to say this once: do not shortchange on the dessert. Dessert is the final piece of the puzzle. Dessert to me is the equivalent of a woman biting her lip while looking at you after drinking bottomless mimosas; there will be a happy ending.
- Dress comfortable
Look I know it’s all about the outfit and everything but unless you going somewhere out on the town after thanksgiving, you gonna end up at grandma house anyway, so the fashinova outfit with the pumps may be a tad bit too much. Remember what I told you, the setting is very important so ladies before you call Heather, Angie, Karen, Lauren or whoever to do your makeup make sure you ain’t walking into the same furnace as Shadarach, Meshach and Abednego. Ain’t nothing worse than wasting money knowing damn well your face will look like the wicked witch of the west melting. Don’t get me wrong please be presentable but please do your due diligence before leaving. Fellas, this goes for you as well. There is no need for the skinny jeans, Carl Thomas sweater and Donell Jones hat. If you don’t buy that all black sweatsuit from Walmart at rollback prices and relax. One reason why the outfit is important because at some point of the day you gonna take a nap. How relaxing do you think your nap is gonna be if all your clothes are tight on you like a condom.
- Inviting your significant other
First and foremost please get the go ahead before you invite Creed to your house because things can get rocky. Since you are going to be around family, why not bring your significant other that no one has heard of to meet the fuckers. Before inviting your significant other to the gathering, please create a PowerPoint of all your family members and include names because what you don’t want is for your man to see someone he dropped bombs over Baghdad in her box now you looking like the outkast. On the other hand you don’t want to bring your lady and she sees someone she let use her face as a daycare. If you know your mate drinks Henny, don’t bring no damn Wild Irish Rose, MD 20/20 or some other off brand vodka then try to drink the same yak I seen Shannon Sharpe wit. That is grounds for immediate ejection with no plate to go. Your mama taught you better than that. Have some decorum you despicable peasant. Now that you are your partner are in the house, please be prepared for all thanksgiving clap backs.
Here are some examples:
Sis: how many kings you gonna have this year? What you building a royal flush
Clapback: Nope just building a house something your credit score knows nothing about
Auntie: when you going to stop having children
Clapback: when you stop auditioning for Maury?
Uncle: Why won’t you let me watch junior
Clapback: because you got a pending sex offender charge, Uncle Pete
Grandma: when are you getting married?
Clapback: when you don’t get divorced
Guy Cousin: When you gonna bring a girl to thanksgiving
Clapback: When you stop bringing your “friend” Clarence
Choose to be with your family on this day. Yea some of them don’t like you for whatever reason but there will come a time where your family won’t be there and all you have left is memories. We live in a microwave world whereas Thanksgiving is like an oven. It’s time to sit back, relax and reflect. Remember there is a start date and an end date but it’s the hyphen that determines your legacy. As always, govern yourself accordingly and have a happy thanksgiving.