A House is not a Home


There have been many things that I can honestly say that makes me proud. For starters, I’m still alive at 30 that may seem like nothing to some but when you worked for a mortician since you were 12 looking at dead bodies and caskets makes me a little numb to the situation; however, I love the fact that I get another opportunity every day to make up for the dumb shit I’ve done in the past. Other things that I am proud of are: getting 2 degrees, married with kids, a great relationship with God and overall a great person. The biggest monetary investment that I have made by far is buying a home. In April of 2014 that dream came true. I remember it like it was yesterday getting cramps from all those signatures, taking pictures with realtors, my wife being brought to tears and me dressed in all black like the omen. Everything was set…I had the wife, kids, cars and now a house.

First issue was the fact that I didn’t have a lawnmower and that made my wife sick but being the man that I am I used my resources and I make sure everything is cut. She wants to hire a landscaping crew but my front and back yard put together is like 10 minutes of yard work so cut the bullshit. First and foremost what the fuck I look like letting another dude cut my grass plus I don’t even have the money to pay that when you add up all the expenses and weekly allowance for chicken boxes at either Sunny’s or Stoko’s something has to go and it aint that…words from my wife therefore I gotta do this shit myself. I was doing some yard work last week with my older cousin who has been married for 19 years now and he says…’sure you may be mad now but you will laugh about it in a hour but always remember one thing…you take care of the outside and let her take care of the inside’…Will this statement haunt me forever?

My wife decides that we need artwork in our house. I can’t front looking at beige walls and straight lines my son has made with a crayon is starting to look dull. So I’m like cool let’s buy some artwork. I suggested some classic black art like the Good Times picture, the man playing the saxophone, the funeral and other stuff that I think is great. She said it didn’t go with her color scheme or the vision that she has for the house. How can the Good time picture not be in the vision, I mean ‘aint we lucky we got em…boom da boom boom boom boom..good times and you know the rest of the song and the pose’. So I wasn’t surprised when she smiled and said ‘let me handle this’. Part of me was like that scene in Notorious when Biggie find out Jan was pregnant and he turned his head and said ‘oh fuck’ while the other half was like ‘I knew this shit would happen so just remember the words from your cousin and everything is good’. What better time to debut these new additions than Morgan State Homecoming.

Before we get to homecoming the only task I had to do was get the TV mounted. I made the appointment for Saturday morning at 8:00 am. Why 8 am on a Saturday because my thinking was I can have the TV mounted and still go to the parade with my kids since it’s right down the street from my house. That’s easy right….this is me we’re talking about so fuck no. So Friday night I go out with some of my brothers get drunk take a nap and get home at 6 am. I tell myself I will take a 5 minute nap and I’ll be good for the TV mounting people. Now it’s 8:47 am, I got 3 missed calls 2 text messages and a wife who’s looking at me like I am Charlie Brown. The one thing that I was supposed to do and I messed it up. I can only imagine what my wife was really thinking, “You blockhead,  how could you mess this up. You had to go party the night before huh.You was with Gumbs weren’t you”. But to my surprise she said, “It’s ok Sonny, I would rather have you at the parade then in the basement” So you know that music from those TGIF sitcoms came in my head and we proceed to the parade just to miss it anyway because they really started on time but hey we tried right…D’oh-Homer Simpson voice.

Back to the artwork though..all last week I’m making sure the outside is taking care of and one day my wife comes home with bags from HomeGoods and other places which mean she spent some money. She kept me in suspense regarding the artwork and I thought she got some exclusives from Andy Warhol at the Patapsco Flea Market or the art you can find at a hood gas station or maybe just maybe she got the artwork that I suggested. Well she sits me down and she pulls out piece after piece and she was so happy about her purchases that all I can do is smile and say great job. Now when she left the room I looked at this work a little more thoroughly. There were some good pieces for example any picture with a scripture is always cool but then I saw an assortment of pictures and all I can think of was the Martin episode when Gina brought home the butt statue. Like one pic looked like the inner workings of a clock real close up but if you tilt your read it look like a rim painted in brown. One of them had some words in French that I’m not even going to Google. But one painting that she didn’t buy was the one that she actually painted herself. She went to a sip and paint party awhile back at Bill Bateman which was a win for me because it was on a Monday which meant all you can eat wings. So yeah baby paint as long as you want make a Picasso for all I care just don’t stop the wings baby. I like the painting that she did because she stepped outside the box but since she is her worst critic she doesn’t like it. She has the skyline, buildings, birds and the Naty Boh man on a light like the batman symbol. Even though the Naty Boh man is doing the ducklips in the picture maybe it’s the Naty Boh girl see what I have learned is that art can be interpreted in so many ways that there is no right or wrong answer. I haven’t found a place to put it but it will go up. Safe to say I listened to my cousin and let my wife do the inside while I do the outside. Happy wife happy life until the next project…Despite my pushback the house looks nice and this is what I have to say to my wife about this…

Are you gonna be? Say you’re gonna be Are you gonna be? Say you’re gonna be Are you gonna be? Say you’re gonna be Well well, well well Still in love, so in love, still in love with me Are you gonna be? Say that you’re gonna be Still in love with me, yeah

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