I have come to face the fact that nothing is normal with my family of 5. They provide so much fun and keep me on my toes every day of the weekend especially on Sunday whether at Bedside Baptist or Freedom Temple. They bring memories that leave a lasting impression and last Sunday was no exception. I overslept and missed the morning service but I remembered I was invited to a Baptism at 2 pm. At the young age of 33 these are the invitations that I expect to receive. I mean the club scene is cool and all but I’m definitely past my prime for that arena and I’m glad to see people transition into the next phase of their life. Being able to witness a baptism has deeper meaning as I get older because the parents of this child is stating that I want you to be in the village raising this kid. Face it we all got friends maybe even family that you would never let them watch your kid. Since, I missed the morning service there is no reason why I would be late to this right….wrong wrong (Charlie murphy voice). First, my youngest daughter who has twists in her hair poured a whole cup of water in her hair so now my wife has to do her hair. My other 2 kids are fighting because my son wants to watch Scooby Doo while wearing a cape because he’s also the vampire from Hotel Transylvania while my daughter wants to watch some Disney bullshit. Needless to say there isn’t a dull moment in my house.
The service starts at 2 pm out Ellicott City somewhere and we leaving the house at 1:55pm. My wife plugs in the address in the GPS and it states arrival for 230 pm which is actually good for us. Historically, the Graysons’ as a whole are late to every event. I mean we felt good. We got that 4:44 blasting. My daughters are singing the hook from 4:44 and we got a shiny minivan stunting in my mind. But, I forgot who I was dealing with because I pull into the parking lot and this is the lineup: Aston Martin, Bentley Truck, Benz, Beamer, Maserati. It was like as I was in the driveway, Kendrick Lamar was in the clouds screaming ‘Nigga be humble’. Car after car pulling up and before we get in the church main man says, “we at capacity and all kids got to sit on their parents lap”. I’m like damn, it’s a baptism not a bar mitzvah. Fellas, and the women oh Lord the women (g money from new jack city voice). Good grief. It was nothing but YSL, Givenchy, 24 inch and above Peruvian hair fresh out the pack, sundresses,heels and just melanin of all shades. It was Melanin Illustrated. It was like every Page 43 from JET magazine over the past 30 years were in one building. Now I know why Jesus wept. He wept because of all these melanin He created so elegantly graced the earth.
The church was small and I’m looking like a NFL lineman so you already know I gotta do the club walk. We have all been there where the club is packed and we gotta move ever so gingerly. The usher says to me, ‘hey man you got a family of 5 so you gotta sit in the choir loft all the way up front”. The aisle is cut in half to make extra seats so I’m fucked from the get go. To paint the picture I’m 6 feet tall about 325 pounds with a spearmint polo rolling into church late carrying a Lalaloopzy bag in one hand and Hannah in the other. Safe to say my tough guy rating is low. If this was Madden, my toughness rating would be 0. Can’t do nothing gangsta with a pink book bag. The whole time I’m like excuse me, my bad yo, whats good big homie trying to squeeze through and then it’s always one nigga that never wanna cooperate. He sees my big ass family coming down this aisle and he doesn’t want to move so fuck it, I smack him with my book bag and keep moving. We make it to the choir loft and we sit down but it was like the whole church focused their attention on us. I got big ass Reid on one leg, Hannah on the other and I’m looking in the crowd and all the fathers giving me the head nod which meant, ‘we see you big fella and prayers in advance that your kids don’t act a whole fool during this service’.
Everything is going good. The service is moving along. The preacher is preaching the good word, you know the word where after every sentence is followed by the organ. The congregation is standing up, shouting their praises and then the preacher says: “And you know what the Lord wants”. The church goes silent but in my son Reid’s mind it was his time to shine. It was like the time Kevin Hart was about to curse out his teacher because Reid looked at Hannah and if their minds were in synch, Reid was telling Hannah… ‘It’s about to go down’
Here is how it went:
Preacher: And you know what the Lord wants….
Reid: (screaming loudly) I want tablet. Share Hannah right now.
Hannah: Talking Tom yaaaaaaa talking tom. It’s a mouse. It’s a mouse.
The church starts to look over. I got both kids in my lap. Reid is sliding down my leg like a water slide and the whole time I’m thinking how am I gonna survive. To make matters worse, people in front of me turning around saying, “you talk that talk young lady”. Really nigga. Come on man-cris carter voice. Then Hannah starts sliding down my leg laughing because she see Reid doing it, Morgan is asking who everyone is because if they don’t know her mommy then they are lame.
Sonny: stop sliding down my leg boy
Reid: weeeee… I am a vampire
Hannah: I am talking tom
Morgan: Daddy who is that? Is she a delta? I’ve never seen her before? Did she go to Morgan?
Sonny: I’m showing all teeth to distract the congregation but in all actuality I said Reid…Hannah..if yall don’t stop sliding my damn leg in front of all these people I’mma throw yall in the van.
The kid gets baptized and everyone is leaving the church. It wasn’t until I get into the lobby where a father came to me and said…’Sonny you a wild boy but you handle it. You was struggling for a second but you pulled through. I know you was in trouble as soon as you sat down. Keep hope alive. Black dad magic.’ Then he put his arm around his lady and turned around like Michael Jackson in Thriller and just laughed.
All of this happened in an hour. Imagine the other 23.