I was 24 years old when my lady Quianna told me she was pregnant. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday:

Quianna: do you notice any swelling of my feet, plus my stomach is killing me

Me: did you go to the doctor? You might have diabetes fa real. Your stomach hurting because you just left golden corral and that honey bread fried ya ass

Quianna: no that aint why it’s hurting sonny. It’s because I’m pregnant.

Shit. Time stood still. I was nervous, shocked, amazed, happy, anxious etc.…As you can I was a tall glass of emotion-anchorman voice. I had no clue what the hell I was doing. I was working at Giant baking cookies and the joke around town was that I trapped her since she was a stockbroker. Part of me wanting to do the Mike Jack turnaround from the end of thriller and smile but I knew I had to step my game up expeditiously-joe Clarke voice. After the initial shock and numerous conversations between Quianna and I, we decided that we were keeping the baby and that I need to get right with the Lord now. I don’t want this new child to not have the Lord as her foundation.

A few months go by and we go to the doctor’s appointment where it is determined that we are having a girl. At first I was like, dammit this must be karma but I didn’t do women that dirty for real to deserve this but after talking to my father he said:

Me: dad, I’m having a girl. Fuck man. They said having a girl is God’s way of paying you back from bad stuff you did back in the day but I wasn’t that bad

Dad: first of all that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Well son you keep playing the piano long enough you gonna make a hit. Just make your hit is a classic. Look at it this way. You realize that black woman are the purest natural resource on Earth so bringing in another woman into the world takes tons of discipline, nurturing and family presence to create the next great natural resource

Me: first of all that’s the dumb….

Dad: better watch ya mouth lil nigga

Me: Just playing. I appreciate the words and I know that I have to get my head in the game and not focus on material possession and focus on spiritual guidance.

Before you knew it, we are at the hospital and St. Joe’s has turned into a probate as the 10 Legends and all her line sisters come to the hospital to meet the AI-AG baby better known as Morgan Grayson. It was interesting to say the least the few months but as time went on and we began to establish a relationship, I realize how much I was learning from her instead of the other way around. I had another conversation with my dad when Morgan was about 3 years old because she was starting to get a personality and I was like help.

Me: Morgan is getting older and I don’t know what to do

Dad: well son… that’s life. Even though she is 3 this is the time where you begin to establish your relationship with her. Teach her that a man can love you without sex being involved. I know this is ironic because the love you have for quianna involved sex which got Morgan here but son you don’t wanna be raising no whore who looks for love through sex. We call those people hookers, smuts, sluts, skags, skee-yo, and other type of shit and my grandbaby aint gonna be one of those you hear me boy.

Me: yea I got you

Dad: nice talking to you son. Make sure you are active in her life and attend all the events you can because your attendance at simple things should as assemblies, award ceremonies, recital and daddy daughter dance will create such lasting moments she has no choice but to cherish it and remember how much you love her.

For the past 3 years, Morgan has been adamant that I accompany her to the daddy-daughter dance as if she runs my life, well part of that statement. The other part goes to my other 3 kids and my wife. I realize that my relationship with Morgan will change especially as she gets older but I am glad, I was able to establish this relationship early. Case in point at the most recent daddy-daughter dance:

Boy: what’s up Morgan?

Morgan: hey

Boy: you look nice

Morgan: thanks

Yo goes for the hug

Morgan: Hi-5 only. My daddy is crazy

Me: Job well done and I’m spent

Fathers, please be in your kids life. It’s imperative to reassure them that they are wanted, needed and that they can contribute greatly to society. Be the conduit your kids need to survive. They will thank you later. I’m glad that I can be a part of her life even if it’s just a picture at a daddy-daughter dance but these moments will last forever. Gotta get prepped for next year because she’s already asking for the permission slip

 

In a few hours the 2018-2019 season will have one more game to determine who will be crowned Super Bowl Champions? Will it be Tom Brady and the Patriots or Jared Goff and the Rams.  Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. Supermarkets   will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. Some people will watch church on line so they don’t have to leave the house at all. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead  yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.

Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company

Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people not a House Party where you can just serve chips and tap water. Make sure you prepare even if that means getting a cleaning Groupon or even send out an evite.

Rule 2: Clean your house

I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 4 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has grease spots from all the chicken you fried this year and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it. Make your guest feel at home.

Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests

If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.

Rule 4: Location of TV

Nothing worse than a grown men watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘which team is which’ They are asking because you have the equivalent of a lap dog as a TV. Also, if you wanna host a superbowl make sure you get the 2019 version of the Hoshi Toshi. One more thing, if your biggest TV is in your bedroom then this aint the party unless you want a bunch of men in your room and if that’s the case then you need the black casting couch and a camera.

Rule 5: Have a plunger

Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:

Owner: who broke the toilet?

Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.

Rule 6: Television

This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.

Rule 7: Take cues from the owner

I know it’s the Super Bowl but it’s a sunday night and a lot of us have to get up in the morning to go to work. We ain’t 21 no more. Our bodies need adequate rest or you will turn into a snickers bar commercial.

If the owner in the 4th quarter hit you either of these questions:

“ay yo what you about to do” or “what you doing after you leave here”, then this is a clear cut sign to start planning the exit from their house.

Rule 8: Be careful who you invite

Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you should be inviting your pastor.

Rule 9: Have enough food

Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks  don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.

Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.

 

Families across the globe are prepping for all the Christmas festivities tomorrow morning. We are listening to music ranging from East Atlanta Santa, Temptations to Kenny G. Tomorrow will start as early as possible because kids will be running down the steps hoping Santa came by the house while the parents are just getting to sleep so they are about to turn into the Grinch. But once we see the kids faces we realize it was all worth it as for me this is when I start my Christmas Budget for 2019 because when my wife see the account on Wednesday she gonna fall out like Wendy Williams. As always there are some things that will make this Christmas better than before. Check out some of the topics from the Sonny System.

1. Dress accordingly

I know it’s Christmas time and you will be amongst family and friends but 10 times out of 9’you gonna be in someone’s living room so dress accordingly. I’m all for the winter wonderland vibe but if you put on white and you look like any of these things: 

1. A dollop of sour cream
2. A block of blue cheese
3. Dirty snow

Then you might want to revisit that option.

Ladies if you want to be all festive and wear green but if you look like any of these things:

1. Slimer from ghostbusters
2. A ghost from Pac-Man
3. A germ from a mucinex commercial 

Then you might want to go back to the drawing board.

2. Know the cook

We come together to enjoy a meal filled with all the favorites you can imagine. Most of us starve ourselves just for this occasion so this is literally life or death; therefore the food has to be on point. Tomorrow is not the time to freestyle like these cooking shows because it will meet a disastrous fate. If you see someone throw the plate in the trash but the plate is upside down then it’s a foregone conclusion that your food was as terrible as jacquees covering candy rain. Fellas, if you are still skeptical of the cook you have to do the Ray Charles test. You must blindfold yourself and start at her wrist. If you can wrap your hand around her wrist then it will be a tossup. The real test is the arm. You have to feel her arm and if it isn’t as big as the rib that flips over the flintstones car then you may have a problem on your hands. If from the shoulder to the elbow her arm isn’t shaped like a capital C you have to substitute for her another chef. 

3. Topics of discussion

A lot of us are getting older which means no more sitting at the little table. Shit, some of us are actually hosting the event which means you can control the board when it comes to topics of discussion. In most homes it will be about the government shutdown, 45 is a whole whore fa real but this is your time to flourish so these should be some topics worth discussing:

1. How do you make your kool-aid?
2. Who is better? Prince or Michael Jackson
3. Which show was funnier? Martin or Fresh Prince
4. Who was badder? Laura Winslow, Myra, Denise Huxtable, Topanga or Kelly Bundy
5. If I throw a draw 4 can someone throw a draw 2 on top of that
6. Drums or flats
7. What does sugar really go on?

4. Food 

Christmas Day is on a Tuesday this year which means if you have to work any day this week your lunch should be covered. Please try to get all your food before Christmas Eve because the store will be as naked as all the strip clubs put together unless you’re a vegan then your section is fully stocked. If you thought parking was an issue before, wait until tonight. The meal is the climax of the day. We treat Christmas dinner like the first meal after the Daniel fast. I am eating all the protein, carbs and bread. GAINS bitch. Let your side dishes be the actually main course of the meal. You better flourish macaroni and cheese, stuffing, sweet potatoes, greens, biscuits and whatever else you want to have. I’m only going to say this once: do not shortchange on the dessert. Dessert is the final piece of the puzzle. Dessert to me is the equivalent of getting that drunk text from a woman after brunch; there will be a happy ending.

5.Be grateful

No matter your circumstance, there are always blessings to count. Your trials and tribulations are temporary, but the testimony is permanent. Have the intent to be with family and embrace each other with kindness. I know sometime family can be more difficult than beating Mike Tyson on Mike Tyson punch out but they are the only family you got. If there are differences whether small or major, please work toward a resolution. I know this is easier said then done because family can be your worst enemy. Speak with purpose and enlightenment to your family members. Always remember the same tongue that can speak life can also speak death so choose your words wisely.  Quite frankly, having these tough conversations breeds character. I am learning as I get older that I don’t want to be the bulletin board in our friendship. In other words don’t only talk to me when things are good, speak when they are bad and/or indifferent. Who knows your story may motivate someone or vice versa? I want you to hold me accountable for my actions. I want to be able provide constructive criticism with a side order of uplift without being called a hater or dismissed from your life because you don’t agree. Newsflash, a disagreement should never be the cause of a relationship ending. We tend to think that people owe us something when in fact no one owes us shit. You only get breath and death and breath ain’t even guaranteed no more so appreciate what you have and the family that comes with it. Remember that one day you will not be at the Christmas dinner neither will your family members. If you don’t believe me put an alarm clock in the cemetery and see who wakes up. There’s always a chance for a new day if given the opportunity to wake up so take full advantage and everyone enjoy themselves this Christmas. 

This is my routine Monday through Friday getting my kids ready for school. Around 6: 30 AM my alarm goes off, I hit the snooze button about two to three times now it’s 7:00 am. It’s go time.

Quianna: sonny it’s 7 am. Now you better not be yelling at the kids telling them to hurry up and wake up Jo Jo flash. You gotta get up earlier than that.

Sonny: alright yo. You got it. Baby crying-Dave Chappelle voice

I get the kids to school right before the gate close and we running like it’s a 4 x 100 to get into the building. Reid drops off Hannah then Morgan drops off Reid and then we are off to take Morgan to school. I go through my work day and then it’s on the way home but this ride home was a little different.

It started out normal. I got Reid, Morgan and Hannah and I just dropped off my sister at her house so we making our journey back to the house. We driving up Greenmount when we are at a standstill because of an accident. I got the movie playing in the back to keep the kids calm and out of nowhere Hannah says:

Hannah: look daddy, there’s a man sleeping standing up

Me: Hey Morgan what movie y’all watching

Morgan: Charlie Brown Christmas

Sonny: I don’t remember seeing that in the movie

Hannah: No daddy he’s over there to the left.

Reid: he’s not sleep Hannah. He’s a V. V is for Vampire. Blah blah blah

Morgan: Reid, he’s not a vampire. He’s dope fiend leaning

At this moment, I realize that this could go either 2 ways. I could keep it cool or keep it funky. Since this is me we are talking about I kept it funky.

Sonny: where you hear dope fiend leaning from Morgan?

Morgan: I heard it from you because you remember that time we were driving from Grandma house and we saw that white guy and you said he took way too medicine and now he too sleepy to move. But this guy here is black so is it more than one dope.

Hannah: Can I try it Dad

Sonny: FUCK No Hannah

Reid: yeah Hannah FUCK no

Sonny: watch your mouth boy

Morgan: what medicine are they taking because I don’t want any of that?

I knew this day would come I just didn’t think it would happen at 9 years old. We live in Baltimore City and these are some of the sights that she will use. It’s a harsh reality but she needs to be street smart as well as book smart. I began thinking that the best way for at least Morgan to learn is for to see for herself. I know she is only 9 years old but she is at the age where she is very observant and asking a lot of questions. I can remember when I was at that age and my grandfather used to take me down Pennsylvania Ave and we would walk through the projects before we would go into Shake and Bake and he would show me all these things and he would always preach to me, ‘if you don’t learn about God, listen to your parents or get an education you can end up just like them”. If it wasn’t my grandfather it was my dad teaching me some of the pitfalls from this reality that we live in. My dad showed me drugs and since he was a mortician he showed me dead bodies growing up who died from an overdose or shot because it was all related. In my opinion this is just rites of passage from me to Morgan. I realize that could open up a can of worms but I rather her hear this from me then someone else. I know some parents would take a different approach and that’s cool because there isn’t one perfect way for this situation. Since, I was driving and the kids couldn’t hear me, I just YouTube dope fiend leaning and I told Morgan to watch this video. This was a risky move on my behalf because your visual remembers more things that audio but I took this risk because if she sees it then hopefully it will deter her from ever doing it. Think of Scared Straight if you still don’t understand. After Reid, Morgan and Hannah saw the video, I asked them would they ever want to use drugs.

Morgan: no, daddy. That was scary. I don’t ever want to do that

Reid: Daddy I wouldn’t want to do that because I’m afraid I would fall down and hurt myself

Sonny: what about you Hannah? (I know she’s too young to understand but since she saw it, I asked the question)

Hannah: FUCK no….can I watch the rest of the movie now

We finally make it home and we open the door to see Quianna and Jo Jo Flash in the living room waiting on us as dinner is being prepared.

Quianna: hey kids

All kids: hi mom

Quianna: how was your day?

Reid: Good

Morgan: it was great

Hannah: I had a good day ma ma

Quianna: Good job Hannah. So were you on Green today?

Hannah: FUCK no.

Quianna: what you say? SONNYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Now I’m on the way to Stoko’s to get a chicken box to calm Quianna down.

 

 

Around this time every year we receive Christmas Cards from either the Taliaferro’s or Shug which always prompts my wife to want to take family pictures. Nothing is ever normal with this family when it comes to certain tasks. We have been plotting to do this for years but there was always something that got in the way. Most of the time it was the fact that either the girls hair was done but the guys weren’t or we didn’t have the money. I can remember the first time we did a photoshoot with Morgan for Christmas and spending damn near 200 dollars. I know Julius was Everyone Hates Chris was like, ‘look at this nigga here. Let me know go help this young man.’ Alexa play Meshell Ndegeocello, Make a Fool of me tell me why. But that was my ignorance because Morgan was my first child and she should get whatever she wants but now that I got 4, man they better put this Children’s Place outfit with this 60 percent off coupon I just used and smile for the camera.

I can remember Quianna calling me one day to talk about this:

Qui: hey husbae

Sonny: husbae huh. What you got up your sleeve

Qui: well 2 things Sonny. I want to take family pictures and I made a cart at Children’s place.

Sonny: whats the second thing?

Qui: I bought a Groupon and I need to know when you and Reid are getting haircuts. The weekend is booked up so I need something soon.

Sonny: well you know our barber best days is the weekend but let me see what I can do

Qui: ok

I call the barber and his only appointment was 830 pm on Wednesday. So in my mind I’m like ‘shit, big fella for the win’. We schedule the pictures for Thursday night at Columbia Mall. Simple right. Nigga this is the Graysons’ we talking about. Thursday afternoon comes and I get a call from the wife.

Qui: you coming home for lunch

Sonny: yea why

Qui: because Hannah need her hair done. Jo Jo won’t let me put him down and he stinks. Reid gonna be mad he can’t go to karate,I need to pump and I’m hungry and I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired of this shit

Sonny: so I guess sex is out the question

Qui: motherfuck…

Sonny: DAAAAAAAAAAAMMNNN. Thats’ crazy

I get home and start to hold Jo Jo and get ready then I hear a bang at the door. It was Reid, Hannah and Grandma Cindy. Shout out to her for coming through in the clutch for picking him up.  So I’m ironing clothes and getting ready checking the clock. I felt like henry hill in the end scene of goodfellas before he got caught.  We get dressed and ready to go then it hit me.  Fuck, we forgot Morgan. Like how did I forget a whole kid. So we rush to the school arrive about 10 minutes late then Quianna lean on the aftercare lady but we doing good on time so we gonna focus on that part. All the kids at one time say I’m hungry so we stop at McDonalds and we out.

Wouldn’t you know we make it to the appointment 15 minutes to spare and we walk In JcPenney like 2Pac walking out of court. It was a lot of families in there but of course we were the minority. Hannah speaking to everybody, Morgan is acting like a second mother and Jo Jo just pooting away. We get in the room and start taking pictures and Jo Jo was hitting main man with the no smile just like his daddy and I couldn’t have been more proud. Then the photographer grabs a bunny to make Jo Jo smile.

Photographer: ok everyone say Monkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy.

All the kids said that shit but me I was like fuck that and it was a stone face the whole shoot. Maybe While we were waiting to review the pictures, Hannah yells out, ‘Daddy look it’s a horse in the store’. I’m thinking it’s a picture but it was really was a big ass dog and we got to bet it and Hannah wants to ride it like a horse. This kid imagination is too funny but I’m just glad we got through the pictures. Grayson Family 2018 pictures was a success and now my wife will post these pictures and break the internet before the stock market open.

Between now and sometime Thursday afternoon, families across the globe will gather once again to feast on delectable foods and drinks while giving thanks for what they have. Tomorrow can be summed up in an acronym 3FL (family, food, football and liquor). There’s nothing like generations coming together discussing their life experiences as the kids play and watch football.  Sure there is going to be some disapproval because your woke cousin wants to tell us the real meaning of thanksgiving. Man if you don’t sit your Allen Payne from CB4 ass down and eat this food. This nigga just watched Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and now he’s pissed because Franklin was sitting by himself. Nevertheless, we dedicate this day to overeating, mid-day naps, spades, jokes, social media plates and outfit approvals.  Dietary restrictions are thrown out the window. In order for this to be a successful thanksgiving, adhere to the rules that I am about to present.

1. Be Grateful

No matter your circumstance, there are always blessings to count. Your trials and tribulations are temporary, for the victory is always everlasting. Quite frankly, adversity builds character.  Be blessed with the opportunities that you do have because there is someone right now that will trade spots with you instantly and won’t even think twice about it. We take for granted the opportunities that we do have to focus on the trivial stuff such as likes, who’s the most woke and counting people’s pocket. Be thankful for the life that you are able to choose. Yes, sometimes you FAIL but FAIL is just an acronym for First Attempt In Learning. I went to church this weekend and I learned that the opposite of grateful is entitlement. That’s some powerful shit. Paul Gibbons wrote, “Feeling entitled is the opposite of feeling grateful. Gratitude opens the heart, entitlement closes it.” Remember the only thing you are entitled to is death, breath and conflict. But the mere fact you are breathing allows you to be more clarity to difficult circumstances even if it the cost of true understanding is the removal of certain people from your life. Being grateful allows your level of bitterness to be eradicated while focusing on what life still has to offer you. My dad once said, “Life is nothing but an assortment of people battling the unknowns while vying for a positive outcome but you can sum that up in one word: Family”.

2. Setting

The setting is very important because it sets the tone for the evening. As a kid, I grew up going to my grandma every Thanksgiving . It was a foregone conclusion what time food would be ready and what time we were expected to leave but in that span of time, life was celebrated. If you have to go to Auntie house where you got to take your shoes off, plastic is on all the furniture and she has a white room where no one can enter then this become the recipe of disaster. Thanksgiving is a time to be free and let loose and not worry about your Rent-A-Center furniture or your QVC payment plan carpet. Another very important part of the setting is a clean house. Look man you send out the text messages well in advance so as Ruby Dee said in American Gangster, ‘you knew they was coming’. There is no excuse for a dirty house. I understand if you have small children you can get a pass but dishes in the sink, bathroom with the ring around the sink, toilet and tub is unruly. Have some couth you trout mouth heathen. One more thing if this is the first time going to someone’s house take a mental note of all the exits and bathrooms in the event your body starts to do the motion of a Pepto Bismol commercial (Nausea, Heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea). There is nothing worse than having stomach issues and the bathroom is the size of a port-a-potty.

3. Food

Thanksgiving Day is on November 22 this year, which means that grocery stores will be complete pandemonium starting on the 20th. People will be running around with their carts like they are on Supermarket Sweep. The aisles will be naked like a hood strip club. If you thought parking was an issue before, wait until tonight. Please get all the food you need now before you turn into Heathcliff Huxtable on that Thanksgiving episode. Shoutout to all the people that will flood Planet Fitness the next two days just to blow it on the first Thanksgiving plate but you know why I am here-Marshawn lynch voice. The meal is the climax of the day. We treat thanksgiving dinner like surgery because we don’t eat or drink after midnight the day before. We starve until the food gets ready. I don’t know who needs to read this but let everybody eat first before you bring out the Tupperware and make 6-7 plates to go. Listen here and listen good, today isn’t the day for no new shit. You hear me bih-Ike turner voice. Don’t you dare come to my carnivore ass house with that vegan mac and cheese or the sweet potatoes that’s really smashed carrots dipped in reduced fat syrup. Leave that roasted butternut squash, cauliflower mash potatoes and no calorie Jell-O in your refrigerator. I am eating all the protein, carbs and bread. GAINS bitch. This isn’t the time for newcomers. Cooking food for thanksgiving is like applying for a job. If you don’t have the experience, references or raving reviews you will remain on the waiting list. A live video of your ingredients must be submitted for further review. Match the food item to the cooking ability of the person you assigned it to. Let’s keep it a bean certain meats are overrated with respect to Thanksgiving, it’s the sides where Thanksgiving shines the most. You better flourish macaroni and cheese, stuffing, sweet potatoes, greens, biscuits and whatever else you want to have. I’m only going to say this once: do not shortchange on the dessert. Dessert is the final piece of the puzzle. Dessert to me is the equivalent of a woman biting her lip while looking at you after drinking bottomless mimosas; there will be a happy ending.

4. Dress comfortable

Look I know it’s all about the outfit and everything but unless you going somewhere out on the town after thanksgiving, you gonna end up at grandma house anyway, so the fashinova outfit with the pumps may be a tad bit too much. Remember what I told you, the setting is very important so ladies before you call Heather, Angie, Karen, Lauren or whoever to do your makeup make sure you ain’t walking into the same furnace as Shadarach, Meshach and Abednego. Ain’t nothing worse than wasting money knowing damn well your face will look like the wicked witch of the west melting. Don’t get me wrong please be presentable but please do your due diligence before leaving. Fellas, this goes for you as well. There is no need for the skinny jeans, Carl Thomas sweater and Donell Jones hat. If you don’t buy that all black sweatsuit from Walmart at rollback prices and relax. One reason why the outfit is important because at some point of the day you gonna take a nap. How relaxing do you think your nap is gonna be if all your clothes are tight on you like a condom.

5. Inviting your significant other

First and foremost please get the go ahead before you invite Creed to your house because things can get rocky. Since you are going to be around family, why not bring your significant other that no one has heard of to meet the fuckers. Before inviting your significant other to the gathering, please create a PowerPoint of all your family members and include names because what you don’t want is for your man to see someone he dropped bombs over Baghdad in her box now you looking like the outkast. On the other hand you don’t want to bring your lady and she sees someone she let use her face as a daycare.  If you know your mate drinks Henny, don’t bring no damn Wild Irish Rose, MD 20/20 or some other off brand vodka then try to drink the same yak I seen Shannon Sharpe wit. That is grounds for immediate ejection with no plate to go. Your mama taught you better than that. Have some decorum you despicable peasant. Now that you are your partner are in the house, please be prepared for all thanksgiving clap backs.

Here are some examples:

Sis: how many kings you gonna have this year? What you building a royal flush

Clapback: Nope just building a house something your credit score knows nothing about

Auntie: when you going to stop having children

Clapback: when you stop auditioning for Maury?

Uncle: Why won’t you let me watch junior

Clapback: because you got a pending sex offender charge, Uncle Pete

Grandma: when are you getting married?

Clapback: when you don’t get divorced

Guy Cousin: When you gonna bring a girl to thanksgiving

Clapback: When you stop bringing your “friend” Clarence

Choose to be with your family on this day. Yea some of them don’t like you for whatever reason but there will come a time where your family won’t be there and all you have left is memories.  We live in a microwave world whereas Thanksgiving is like an oven. It’s time to sit back, relax and reflect. Remember there is a start date and an end date but it’s the hyphen that determines your legacy. As always, govern yourself accordingly and have a happy thanksgiving.

 

Yo: hey hey Sonny.

Sonny: aint shit brother. Just trying to flourish out here. What’s good tho?

Yo: Can’t complain. You know Homecoming this week. You writing your blog again or nah

Sonny: is an elephant heavy? I’m coming back baby

48 hours from now, Hillen and Argonne will be filled to capacity with melanin oozing from their pores as they enter the latest edition of Morgan State University homecoming. Homecoming is the metropolis of black excellence. Every field of human endeavor will be represented. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers, therapists, entrepreneurs and others will be there ready to reclaim their Morgan State time. After watching a bootleg edition of Hidden Colors 6, it was revealed that Morgan State homecoming was the real reason why Jesus wept. Homecoming is going to be thicker than a lunch lady mustache and we are all here for it. Homecoming brings that nostalgic vibe like the first time you heard Uproar on the Carter 5. I wonder how many people went to Patient First for shoulder pain after trying to do the Harlem shake. As always with events like this, there are guidelines you need to adhere to or your homecoming experience will be short lived.

Rule 1: Babysitter

Parenthood is the most rewarding job an individual can have so why not have one day when you can unwind and let your hair down and have a good time because reality kicks in and it’s back to the routine. For those that are pregnant now, please use precaution and if necessary call Violet from the Incredibles to create a force field to protect you and that young king/queen you are about to bring into the world. If you have a newborn baby, leave that baby at home. If you have to bring the baby make sure they are in a HAZMAT suit. You have no idea what germs these people are carrying. People are sweating, drinking, smoking, using the bathroom and not washing their hands. People trying to kiss the baby on the cheek after they just kissed a dick like yo, my nigga you wilin. If you can’t find a babysitter have no fear, there are babysitting services available at Homecoming. Shout out to the genius who went to Shark Tank to pitch this idea. Another shout out goes to Netta for posting this flyer on Facebook. Besides Ms. Helen, Netta may be the unsung hero of Morgan State. For the record, MCM’s and WCW’s will be nice to each other this week because they want the other person to babysit this weekend. To avoid any let down just line up that babysitter now or face the consequences. Babysitters are going to be the hottest thing on the market since the Kavanaugh trial.

Rule 2: Grooming

If you get your haircut the day of homecoming make sure you wash your hair. You don’t want loose hairs all over the place. You hug a girl and now she got a 5 o’clock shadow. Choose your beard products wisely. I know you want your beard to look like Black Thought from the Roots but if you misuse the products and your beard smell like rancid yogurt then your day is done. Now you getting the Heisman from all the women and getting roasted in all the GroupMe’s across the nation. Also, if you are a hairy individual, trim that shit. Can’t be walking around looking like a yeti in 75-80 degree weather. Today is not the day to experiment with cologne you ain’t familiar with. You don’t want to OD and get roasted like the dude in Anchorman when he put on that sex panther cologne. Go with what you know even if you have to take a scratch and sniff from JcPenney.

Ladies, you aren’t exempt for this rule. Make sure you apply the proper makeup to face ratio. Can’t have you looking like a dark and light skin Michael Jackson at the same time. If you haven’t already, consult your makeup person and get some tips or budget a consultation with a MUA sales rep. The same way y’all look at a guys’ shapeup is the same way we look at those baby hairs. If you need a toothbrush and some blue magic before you walk out the house then do that shit. Also, ladies if you plan on wearing a skirt make sure you shave man. You can’t be wearing a skirt but your legs look like wrangler jeans. Have some couth. Make sure you apply the proper deodorant/BMI ratio for Saturday’s festivities.

Rule 3: Drink Responsibly

I know common sense aint so common especially when dealing with alcohol consumption. If you haven’t been to MSU homecoming in a while there are 2 individuals that have the alcohol game on lockdown and that is Mo Wilson and Sammie Johnson. Mo has already declared that the more you tip the more aggressive he will pour not to mention Sammie has been nicknamed Hen’Challa so please govern yourself accordingly. You can end up smooth like Henny Lattimore, Hen Griffey, Henny Lofton and even Henny G if you mixed with something or you can end up like Groove from House party or Weekend at Bernie’s. Whether you are on campus or at the tailgate the alcohol levels will be at an all-time high. This isn’t for the faint at heart. You must give your vital organs a pep talk the same way Kane’s grandfather did in Menace II Society. Your organs will go as hard as Jon Snow in Game of Thrones but after that last shot of Henny your whole body turns into the blob from Hotel Transylvania. Please know your liquor tolerance. If your tongue starts to turn white and your mouth is consistently dry then stop immediately. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling and stumbling. Now you got physical therapy 4 days a week because you tore your ACL and couldn’t stand on your own two feet.

Rule 4: Support each other

In this divisive world we live in today it is imperative to support each other and their endeavors and don’t immediately ask for the homey discount. Be prepared to pay full price for their quality work, but if they give it to you at a discount then that’s a different story. Here are some people in different fields we can support as they begin to brand themselves:

Art- Antonio Moore

Music: Sam Malone, Driz Lo

Literature: I call these people the Justice League of Literature: Archie Barlow, JoRell Whitfield, Carl Michel’, Tsanonda Edwards, Lillian Mitchell aka Regina King according to white yo from This is Us.

Clothing: Trix with OIA, Carmen Green, Ron Green (What’s Up African?)

Catering: Will Lewis

Restaurant: Ifeanyi Nwoko (Montego Bar and Grille)

Makeup: Lauren Johnson, Heather Campbell

The list goes on and on and the best part of this is that these are all Morgan alum. If you can’t support then shame on you and all your complaints against other businesses become null and void

Rule 5: Know the Weather

With technology at our fingertips there is no excuse why you aren’t properly dressed for homecoming. Do your due diligence and make sure are dressed for the occasion. However, the weather can be like Rudy Giuliani because the truth isn’t the truth. Currently, the weather for Saturday is 72 degrees which is perfect hoody weather. Fellas, guard your hoodies like you guard your player on 2K because Swiper will be out in full effect. Please check the forecast Saturday morning and decide your outfit from that because it could be chilly like a woman’s response when a man says, ‘why you aint smiling’ or it could be lit like Kings Dominion during Black College Weekend. If you know you know-Pusha T voice. Please have multiple outfits because if its Homecoming 2013 when it was 90 degrees, a lot of us will be melting like the wicked witch of the west in Wizard of Oz. Fellas, I know it’s October and you think you are in the clear but if you are a big nigga you are never in the clear. Have your washrag on deck at all times.

Rule 6: Know your Priorities

Before every homecoming you have to make adult decisions such as which bill am I going to pay, which one I am going to let slide until the following week. Am I eating Hot dogs and baked beans for the week just to save up for a party? Who is going to watch these kids (refer to rule 1 if you forgot already)? If you haven’t secured the time off from work yet, don’t be an idiot and do a no call no show. Look you knew 2 weeks ago when the party flyers starting coming out who was throwing what and when and where. If you frugal look for the parties that have the free cover (i.e. Montego Bar and Grille Friday Night see the flyer from Kian Gumbs for further details. Shit that party has a free buffet. Can’t go wrong with that at all). You don’t have to go broke in order to have fun this weekend. Don’t OD before you get paid with a reality check that your ass can’t cash. You living your best life now if you take the F out you are living your best lie. Get your priorities straight before you turn into Jada Pinkett from Set it off and have to fuck that old man for your gas and electric bill. If you have to turn into Jason Pitts for this weekend, that is ok, just find ways you can indulge and still have something for the following week. We are all responsible adults so moderation is key but if you have everything under control then take this weekend and fuck it all the way up.

Rule 7: Greetings

Nothing more special than seeing black people greet each other with love. The handshake is a bond between two individuals that shows mutual respect for one another and can generate lifelong friendships. Aint nothing like seeing you dap 10 individuals with 10 different handshakes and be genuinely happy with each other’s presence.

If you see 2 men greeting each other:

M1: ok ok, I see you play boy. Out here flourishing and shit

*handshake*

M2: sheeeeeeeeit nigga that’s you. You the one with the red cup. I’m tryna get like you fa real

M1: yea ard. Keep doing ya thing. Proud of you yo

M2: my nigga *handshake*

Since, ladies travel in packs it will be: Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia, Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki, Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky,  Cookie, well, I met her in a food truck line, Tonya, Diane, Lori, and Carla, Marina, Selena, Katrina, Sabrina, about three Kim’s, LaToya, and Tina, Shelley, Bridget, Cathy, Rasheeda, Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita, Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda, Donna, Ulanda, Tawana, and Wanda walking across the bridge then they see you:

Them:  *screams all loud* KISHA

Kisha: hey girl

Them: yes ma’am. Won’t SHE do it. well come on hair. Come thru body. Yaaaaaaaaaaaas. Work it out hunty

Kisha: girl stop. Naw keep going

Embrace the love and enjoy yourself

Rule 8: Tailgating

I was listening to Sam Malone the other day and he has a song that symbolizing what you should do at the tailgate. It’s called Settle Down. In the hook, he says ‘seen too many dark nights, that’s why I sometime leave the car parked nights and settle down, settle down, settle down, settle down’. The tailgate is homecoming inside of homecoming. I can honestly say that I’m not washed but I’m in the laundry basket though. Like, I’m too old to be on campus and in the suite trying to get some NUPE juice but I ain’t old enough to be in the alumni tent by Montebello. I’ve been a NUPE 15 years now, what I look like searching for a young nigga to make sure I get a plate with some NUPE juice like I ain’t an OG but at some point you gotta realize that aint the scene for you. You gotta keep it real with yourself and just go to greener pastures which is the tailgate across the street. Picture this: Over a thousand people. Melanin is popping like Orville Redenbacher and skin is glistening like a chicken box from Sunny’s and there is nothing but space and opportunity for a story that only Zane can write. It’s gonna be tons of food, liquor, music and people reminiscing on the good times they had at Morgan State. This is the party before the party. Listen closely if you know on a normal Saturday night you inside chilling with no makeup or a bra on, please know your body will not be ready for a tailgate at MSU. You must start your homecoming prep about a month ago. You have to train like Floyd Mayweather for this event because once the sun goes down Friday night you may not sleep again until Monday Morning. It might be wise to take Monday off if you have that type of flexibility. Alert your body now because the DJ will be going ham with the Philly Set, Diplomats set, Reggae, Baltimore Club, Go-go, NYC shit and now you need a nap before you go to the real party. Ladies make sure you are prepared for anything especially when you hear, “Cash money records taking over for the 99-2000”. Those lyrics will be relevant forever and ass clapping must commence upon hearing this.

Rule 9: Breast to Chest Hug

Some rules will never change and breast to chest hugs is one of them. Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner that turns into a security guard for Beyoncé then leave that nigga home. Homecoming is the time where Christian hugs are thrown by the wayside and it’s nothing but breast to chest. Fellas make sure your neck is bathed thoroughly- king jaffe jofer voice from coming to America. Your hug should be like when Will and Jada see each other after a long day at work. Weak hugs will be dismissed. Tread lightly with the hug though because you can’t be all brick on a lady without her consent. This MeToo movement is real and it aint worth the risk. On the other hand it could turn into an Xvideos shoot. Either way, homecoming is your time to flourish

Rule 10: Let the Greeks Build

This is a monumental year for many Greeks in their perspective organization which means they are going to talk that shit on Saturday. There will be all types of exclusive fashion choices and downright pandemonium. Just let the Greeks live man. 2003 was one hell of a year for Morgan State. You had AKA’s, Deltas, Kappas, Sigmas and Iotas cross that year and best believe they came to take names. I have an over/under with respect to Greek members:

Over/under: 3 fathers snatched by Carmen Green. But that will be reduced to 2 because one of them will have green bubbles

Over/under: 2 marriage proposals for Kamilah Goodrich. But that may increase to 3 or decrease to 1 after she finds out you’re a Ravens fan

Over/under: 5 of these conversations, “you know I’ve always had feelings for you since Dr. Fleetwood class”

What a time to be alive ladies and gentlemen. I know there are more rules but this should get you through another homecoming at the national treasure known as Morgan State University,

Fair Morgan

 

On Saturday, August 18^th, 2018 I was a volunteer for a Day of Hope located on the grounds of Freedom Temple AME Zion Church amongst various other churches and organizations. We passed out food for the less fortunate, gave away over 400 backpacks to school children, clothes giveaway, a prayer tent, job employment assistance, mental health awareness, a bounce house and overall good fun. I felt led to volunteer at this event because it’s all about giving back especially when others have helped you. I know that my job title may be an Engineer but my Earth title is to help others and be a servant to the Lord. I try to be the best representation of his ideals and principles; consequently I fall short every day. Thankfully, I get another chance when I wake up in the morning. I realize that God has put me in situations as a reminder that anything can happen to you but with HIM, I can get through it. So to see these people be blessed with groceries, potential job placement, school supplies and overall support from total strangers is what life is all about. Why wouldn’t I want to be a part of that? I knew the workload would be heavy but I got broad shoulders so I am used to this.

Before the events started we had a meeting outside with the coordinator and we greeted each other and this lady named Faith came to me and said that God told her to tell me that I’m an unsung hero. This was a powerful statement because I truly feel that God was speaking to me through her and to add the fact that her name is Faith and with the current situations I have going on in my life, I need faith to order to keep myself sane this is just confirmation or how my friends like to call it ‘STAMP’. I look at myself in three arenas: Spiritual, mental and physical. Physical attractions are common, a mental connection is rare, a spiritual connection is divine. In my opinion the spiritual is most important because it’s the foundation of existence. It’s the moral fabric that keeps us all grounded. Once the spirit is broken then the mental follows suit because now your mind feels that these trials and tribulations are your destiny and there is no comeback. With mental health awareness being on the forefront, it is pivotal that the mental aspect not be overlooked. To be honest, I go through struggles everyday more mental than physical but I must remain strong for my family and friends. I know that my mental struggles have caused conflict with my wife. Luckily, we have a strong base of communication where we can talk these things out. To be 100 percent honest, I need help.  There are times that I battle with not fitting in; being inadequate to those I love the most and feeling inferior. I know my wife says I can talk to her about anything and normally I do but I don’t want to be a burden to her. Through prayer it has re-established my spiritual arena; however it is imperative to have a strong mental foundation because it can affect your physical state because now at this point you don’t give a fuck and the first thing people see is your physical.

There is a 5 letter word known for destruction and it’s called the DEVIL, a known adversary since the beginning of time and normally the person that gets credit for any misfortune. Always remember that life is warfare. For all the good things you try to accomplish there will be someone or something trying to extinguish your candle of light but never stop trying. Also, stop giving the Devil so much credit. Another 5 letter word known for destruction is PRIDE. Having large amounts of pride will convoluted your thought process which can lead to your ultimate demise. It happens to us all. Pride has gotten the best of me a few times in my life and it almost cost me my marriage because I felt my season should have been now but the Lord had other plans and it’s that recognition that despite my thoughts, I am still here shows that a higher power is present in my life. I felt that as an Engineer with a Master’s Degree, I shouldn’t settle for any job and I damn sure shouldn’t be at social services trying to get food stamps or a ticket to a food pantry. My name is Sonny for crying out loud, but those events showed that I’m susceptible to anything but it’s how I deal with adversity that builds my character. There is a 5 letter word known for countering the devil and your pride and that is JESUS. Like I said earlier life is warfare but with Him on my side and wearing His armor for protection, I will not be defeated. I may be bloody but not unbowed.

I want us to live everyday with hope. I know that may be hard at times especially with the social climate of America and dealing with your own personal struggles. I want us to not look like what we are going through. This can be difficult for me because my facial expression normally dictate my mood. It wasn’t until I became familiar with the story of John the Baptist death that I must strive to not look like what I am going through.  John the Baptist was known for speaking so highly about Jesus and how He was the one to be praised. He became a popular preacher and according to Matthew 3:13-17 he baptized Jesus. ¹³ Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.¹⁴ But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” ¹⁵ Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented. ¹⁶ As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. ¹⁷ And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” John’s story ends in tragedy when he is killed by King Herod Antipas. John was imprisoned by King Herod because he publicly criticized his marriage to Herodias who was once married to his brother. Deep down King Herod didn’t want to kill him because he recognized how important John was but his PRIDE got in the way. After granting his stepdaughter/niece anything she wanted she was coaxed by her mother to ask for John’s head on a platter. Bound by his own words, he did what the girl wanted and she even had the nerve to deliver his head to his mother. Jesus was devastated to find out that his older cousin, John has been killed and decides to retreat to a place of solemn to grieve with his disciples. As you recall he wept over Lazarus but this one hurt him to the core. Even though no one was supposed to find out where he was, a multitude of people came looking for help for Jesus. Despite what he was going through, he knew that he had to help others.

I mention this story because throughout our own trials and tribulations, there is a multitude of people that look up to you for guidance, strength and understanding. Don’t let turmoil alter your spiritual state for it’s this foundation that continues to keep us pushing. Continue to be the unsung hero for your actions do not go in vain. Continue to let your Earth title trump your job title because you can lose everything today. Leaders are remembered but a servant never dies. Let everyday be a continuation of hope.  Will it be easy? Of course not but remember victory no matter how brief it is sticks with a person. Some people dream of a second chance thanks to God we are living it.

 

 

 

Saturday morning comes bright and early as the alarm goes off at promptly 6:30 and I let the Grayson buffet begin. They had the usual continental breakfast lineup but because the manager invited to me to partake in their feast I felt obligated to go ham. I bring plate after plate back to room and as I open the door she is awaken to the fresh smell of Belgian waffles and I look like the man. Now you remember how I brought up finances earlier, well we didn’t have a lot but we had enough for some water ice. We sit down and become immersed with the scenery; whether it’s the cloud to blue sky ratio or the wind ever so gently blowing the leaves on the trees. It had a euphoric setting for a full marriage ministry conversation because we can discuss our strengths, weaknesses and goals (short and long term). I felt a connection with my wife at that moment and throughout the conversation despite some of the trials and tribulations we are experiencing right now, a woman jumps out of a car with a shirt saying “God is Enough”. Mind blown. Now if that aint a holy slap to the face then I don’t know what it is. It put everything into perspective and the only thing I said after seeing this was, “I see ya big fella. Well played Lord well played” Normally, I would expect this loud boom when God wants to talk to me but in all actuality it’s the small things like this that make you say whoa.

We prepare for this fancy Groupon dinner at this steakhouse. My wife got on a colorful dress with jewelry, makeup and sandals looking like Lane Bryant page 7 under New Arrivals section. We arrive at the restaurant and it gave me a Bronx Tale vibe. I felt like I should have had on all black with a leather jacket like the Fonz and a Fedora and my wife should have had on a skirt that poof out like one of those dresses you would see in Grease with the Easter church socks and black and white uniform shoes. You had the Bronx Tale soundtrack playing in the background creating the nostalgic setting. Walking in the restaurant all you hear is “sha bop da bop….sha bop da bop…sha bop da bop wee uuu wee uuu  sha bop da bop….I only have eyes for youuuuuuuuu yeah”(to keep it all the way a thousand, this quartet isn’t better than the New Jack City trio singing Living for the City but back to the story). The bartender greets with us the salute and yelled out we got a deuce deuce here. There was a section closed off with a curtain so we thinking no one is allowed back there but that area is lit. I wonder if it was a coming home party for one of the gangsters. It’s a few young couples in there and there’s two older women in the restaurant (remember the two older women as the story goes on).  I see everybody ordering surf and turf buying drinks and I’m like oh these young cats out here getting busy. I knew the food would be great when the owner who looked like Pauly from Goodfellas came out the kitchen yelling, “Make sure you caramelize the onions. We run a business over here and more bread pronto”. He is talking to all the guests then he notices something has gone awry. He approaches the young couple and says:

Owner: you enjoying the food

Customer: yeah

Owner: good. I’m glad to hear that. Wait a minute young fella. Why you got that lady purse on the floor. Whatsthematterwityou (yeah I know all one word) then smacks the man’s cheek twice and the man has this befuddled look on his face (think Charlie Murphy after Rick James gave him the 5 fingers to the face) You know that’s bad luck. You don’t want bad luck with a lady looking like that.  Enjoy your meal.

He then kissed her hand and walked away like a boss. As he walked away he saw me and gave me the head nod and the salute.

Wife: you really think you Sonny or something

Me: I see you hatin wit cha hatin ass.

The waiter comes to check on us and I say:

Me: Let me holla at you real quick yo. Look man we on this Groupon ya dig don’t blow the shit up just putting you on alert

Waiter: don’t worry boss. I got you

Me: my man- Denzel Washington voice

For a second I felt embarrassed because everybody else is eating like it’s the last supper and arguably the biggest person in the restaurant is eating conservative. Go figure. So as the other couples are leaving, every guy with your lady yelling all loud…’so uh yeah we on a Groupon’. Like there was a table of 6 people trying to use 3 Groupons at one time and I had to shed a thug tear because look at all these young Jason Pitts in the making. It was like there was concession stands workers at a baseball game, “groupon here, I got a groupon here, 25 dollars for 50 dollars’ worth of food here”. The bill came up to only 9.00 and I had this vision that Julius, Jason Pitts, Mr. Krabs and I’m gonna git chu sucka asking how much for one rib Chris Rock are smiling down at me while Detrick Haddon‘s choir singing “well done you can come on in” as I just entered the Frugal Hall of Fame.  Things couldn’t get any better right…

As we leaving the restaurant, it’s a big commotion outside where all these people are running so of course my wife and I look at each other like yo this shit look like back home but it was something worse. Remember those two old ladies I mentioned earlier, well they are lying face down in concrete bleeding profusely as they were just hit by a car. Talk about being shook daddy for real. To see these ladies who just said hi and bye to us a minutes ago laying in a pool of blood not moving…good grief-Charlie Brown voice. Nothing else mattered at that moment but the health of these two strangers. By the time the ambulance came they were both conscious and help was being administered. This made the phrase, “here today gone tomorrow” very vivid and it makes you appreciate every day you have on Earth. Yeah you will go through trials and tribulations but within a blink of an eye it can turn into a victory or it can turn into your departure from Earth. I am thankful to share the experiences that I have with my wife, kids, family members, brothers and friends but I can sum up this whole weekend and what’s going on in my life in 3 words: God is enough.

This weekend I had the pleasure of taking my wife on a little getaway because this past month has been as busy as the beginning, middle and end of tax season. So I have this idea of taking my wife somewhere where she can relax, eat, sleep and not worry about the children. In order to accomplish this, I had to channel my inner Julius from Everyone Hates Chris. See I’m more of a value package type of guy this whole a la carte buying shit is overrated and can be downright expensive. So one night I fell asleep and a frugal angel appeared in my dream and said loudly, ‘Check out the Travel section of Groupon big fella.’ The next day I woke up with a new sense of purpose as I entered the Groupon world like an intern the first day of work at a big company.

My checklist was: King size bed, refrigerator, microwave, parking, breakfast and some good places to eat because my wife is my Man vs. Food partner. So I decided on an area close to Philly since she loves cheesesteaks and the last time we ordered one, I ordered it like I was back in Baltimore and let’s just say this didn’t end well.  This is us in a nutshell.

Friday morning comes and all bags is packed and I’m getting the kids outta here and the first question I ask her is: tolls or no tolls. She politely put on her shades and said ‘nigga just drive the car don’t mess up this vacation for me or imma mess up the booty reparations for you this weekend’. Sidebar: I gotta shout out Warryn Campbell, if you haven’t watched the show We’re the Campbell’s check it out because right now he is arguably the big and black is back goat because every episode his wife ask him to do something and his reply is add to this the booty reparations. Therefore, I got to driving like Morgan Freeman in that Miss Daisy flick. I had the Spotify banging and we out. As we driving we approach this bridge and for the record my wife hates bridges so as we get closer she was like, ‘oh Lord Sonny why you aint tell me there was a damn bridge. Alexa play The Battle is not yours it’s the Lord by Yolanda Adams. You know what fuck it I’m going to sleep’. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that aint no damn Alexa in the car so instead I played Apeshit because that would describe my wife at that very moment. After that was over we was back in action talking about life shit listening to whatever Spotify played. We pull up to the hotel and I noticed a Wawa so instantly I’m like shit if she wants a snack got that 5 dollar sub and I look like a hero. Winner winner chicken dinner. I love driving with my wife because we have the same taste in music so as all these white people are in the lobby here comes the Grayson’s’ with this song blasting through the speakers:

“Pussy ho, pussy ho/ Pussy ho, she a pussy ho/These niggas won’t hold me back/These hoes won’t hold me back/These hoes won’t hold me back/These niggas won’t hold me back/These niggas won’t hold me back noooooooo”

Some look in disgust but I got a head nod from a Spanish kid and he was like, ‘ok ok I see you big guy…nice truck’. I gave him the head nod and proceeded to check in. As I’m checking in the manager says:

Manager: ‘We have breakfast from 6-10 and you are more than welcome to come down. Will you be joining us for breakfast? Also, don’t forget we have lemonade and ice tea available 24 hours a day as well”

Me: Well if you are offering. Siri set alarm for 6:30 am. You know I got to give the people a head start.

Wife: If you don’t be quiet wit cho Sams from Lean on me hungry ass and don’t you even think of bringing that bottle down and making a jumbo half and half.

Me: Shidddddddddddddddd-Clay Davis voice. I’m getting busy.

The room is nice. All the amenities accounted for so I begin my plot for dinner. In my mind, I am channeling Dave Chappelle from Half Baked when he went on that date but I know my wife aint playing that shit so I have to govern myself accordingly. Then my wife says:

Wife: Hey I’m thinking about a date night involving some steak and a ritzy restaurant. You know we haven’t had a date in a while and I saw what you put in that suitcase. Wear that shirt I like and imma wear what you like and oh yeah I saw it on Groupon. Sonny are you even listening to me you got that damn ESPN on you haven’t heard anything I said.

Me: Shut up quianna just shut up. (Now I know what you thinking…this nigga crazy, he aint getting no ass at all for all we know he might die tonight) but this is what I really said

Shut up, quianna just shut up. You had me at Groupon.

Wife: boy bye. Enough about tomorrow’s dinner what about tonight my nigga. Ishkabibble’s or nah

Me: We out.

Riding to Philly blasting this new Dave East mixtape feeling like Baltimore roads with all these damn potholes, uneven paving and constant construction reminders but I trust the process (see what I did there). Pull up to the spot and my wife begins to coach me like my life was on the line and in her eyes it probably was.

Wife: look babe forget what happened last time. You got this babe. You want me to google how to properly order a cheesesteak

Me: first of all it’s only a cheesesteak. Nigga do you see this body. Does it look like I need google?

Wife: to you it’s just a cheesesteak but to me it’s culinary matrimony. You know I like it when my man takes charge.

Me: that might have been the fattest shit I ever heard and yet I’m still turned on. Aight, see what google say but turn that Bluetooth shit off I don’t want nobody hearing this.

I go to the counter and hit the girl with the mean Marshawn Lynch talk:

Me: ‘You know why I’m here. Cheesesteak wiz wit”

In a perfect world there would have been commentary during this conversation from Mark Jackson saying ‘Mama there’s goes that man” or Stuart Scott yelling “booyah” as I ordered this food correctly. I get in the car and to see my wife smile over a cheesesteak is what marriage is all about, well at least my marriage.