All posts by Sonny

Party at my House

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48 hours for now there will be 2 teams fighting for the right to call themselves champions of the National Football League. For the rest of us, Sunday marks another Super bowl party where there will be plenty of food, liquor, women and weed (especially if the game is a blow out). Let’s be real there will be these types of people at the party: those who love the game, those who want to eat, those who want to snapchat with football emojis and those that want to watch This is Us afterwards. To make sure that you have an eventful party please take a look at some of these rules.

  1. Television

Look if you hosting a Super bowl party, you must have a Hi—Def TV. With these new TV advancements the bare minimum is a high definition TV. We are too old for pliers and aluminum foil on the antenna to generate a signal. Face it your friends have come over to watch commercials, the game and This is Us on a Hoshi Toshi not a TV made for a bathroom.

  1. Kids

If your kids have to be breastfed, changed frequently or can’t keep still please try to find them a babysitter. Nobody got time to chase a kid around especially if there is fine china present or they got some rent-a-spoons from Rent a Center. Please monitor your kid at someone else’s house. If your kid is badder than a two year old then they ass and maybe even your ass needs to stay home or find a babysitter.

  1. Know your liquor tolerance

It will be plenty of liquor at this party and you must know your tolerance before you embarrass yourself. It will probably be some fine women at this party and you might be able to snag a young tenderloin; but if you drunk like Groove from House Party then your chances will shrink as fast as Mario hitting an object. Nothing worse than a drunken person in someone’s basement. Know your limits

  1. Ask permission before you bring someone

Imagine you tell a girl to dress up nice because we are going out and BOOM you are at your friend’s basement and all the other girls is like, “who invited her? Why is dressed like that? I guess Myron gonna give Diamond a ride home” You need to make sure you have received clearance from the host before you bring anyone else to their house.

  1. Bringing Something

If you are asked to bring something please come thru in the clutch like a perfect transmission. Fellas, if the host asks you to bring some liquor don’t bring a 6 pack of Corona Light beer but the whole time you drinking Henny straight. Are you kidding me-Reggie miller voice? Ladies, you aren’t exempt. If you are bringing food please know your audience. Do not and I repeat do not bring all vegan food to a super bowl party. Now I know you may have seen Carmen Green’s Super bowl vegan recipes on social media (shout out to you for bringing awareness and all that) and think ‘hey that’s a good idea” but it’s not. For one, she is a vegan and furthermore we aint trying to eat that shit if steak, chicken, nachos, hot wings, pizza, subs are on the menu. Have you ever been to a tailgate and you show up with the vegetable tray? What is normally their response? Exactly…Don’t be that guy.

  1. Making a plate

This rule is strictly for those with significant others who have to stay home with the kids because they didn’t follow rule 2. Please please please don’t go to this super bowl party and not bring home a plate for your lady.

Make sure you do one of the following:

  1. Ask her did she eat before you leave
  2. Ask her do you want something to eat before you leave
  3. Bring her a plate
  4. All of the above
  5. None of the above

If you choose E then you are stupid and your lady with some gas from her Wives Group on GroupMe may result in burning all your things in your car like Angela Bassett did in waiting to exhale. And to make matters worse she might delete your player on NBA2K so your road to 99 is now a zero. For real don’t be that guy ever.

  1. Please have an assortment of food

If you are hosting a super bowl party, you should have an assortment of food. Think of it as a low budget Golden Corral or a weekend selection at the refac. Make sure you have water, soda and other drinks beside alcohol because you have to work tomorrow and you can’t call off work the next day. You are too old to play the Ferris Bueller card and you are also too old to be showing up at work looking like Weekend at Bernie’s.

 

 

Weight for it

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“Yooooo. My name is Sonny and I am overweight”

“Hiiii, Sonny”

A few weeks back I went to the doctor for a normal checkup and as usual this is the conversation I have with the nurses:

Nurse: step on the scale Mr. Grayson

Me: aight

Nurse:  well 300+ pounds. What type of diabetes do you have?

Me: none for real, I’m just big

Nurse: really, let me check your vitals

Me: That’s a bet

Nurse: imma need the super-size cuff because this one won’t fit

Me: oh word that’s wzup

Nurse: wow your vitals checked out fine Mr. Grayson. The doctor will see you in a minute.

Now this is normal for me so I wasn’t surprised by the comments but I loved the fact that I was able to silence her with my results. The doctor comes in and he’s going over the results and of course weight is the topic of discussion. The irony of it all is that he’s has a Santa clause gut but I don’t trip because I don’t let my weight define me. Don’t get me wrong it is a part of who I am but I will continue to flourish anyway. See I have always been a bigger person since birth and always the biggest person in the crew.

As a kid it was difficult because some opportunities I wasn’t able to have such as playing rec football. I will never forget that day, I was 11 years old standing in line with my mom and my sister and she was so proud and then they weighed me and said, ‘due to your weight and our insurance policy you won’t be able to play recreational football’. I was furious and I remember that was the first time thinking this big boy shit is whack. I guess its back to my Arizona husky jeans and Izods with some snickerdoodles from the Great Cookie. But then I’m watching TV and I see Biggie Smalls on the screen with women on each side and this dude instantly became my idol. He was bigger than me, in my opinion uglier than me and he aint give a fuck. I wanna be like this guy. For example, Biggie Smalls said, ‘heart throb never, black and ugly as ever; however…” Now stop right there, you can’t say however after a statement like that. You are finished. There is no comeback from that, but for Biggie to end that line with “however, I stay coogi down to the socks, rings and watch filled with rocks” was euphoria. It gave me more confidence than ever so this notion of being big wasn’t cool man fuck that if Biggie Smalls can do it so can I.

Sure high school presented a different challenge but fuck it you have to go through the bad to recognize what’s good. High school was an interesting time period. Sure the braces, haircuts from my mom didn’t help my situation but I was introduced to football and that neutralized a lot of emotions that I had going on. It wasn’t until I got to Morgan State where I was like oh shit, it mad big niggas out here and they are all flourishing. Aww shit now big and black is back baby baybee uhhhhh. Of course I couldn’t be sloppy and I had to always put my best foot forward. Despite my size, I was able to do all the shit skinny dudes did and even better to be honest. Case in point, from 2001-2003, I was at every club every weekend getting busy on the dance floor. To this day some people remind me of my dancing moves back in the day. From the ankle down is light; it’s the rest of the body that’s heavy. Even in my Greek life, I’m proud to say that on my line, “I’m the only big boy on this gig”. People didn’t expect a big fella like me to move this way but I flourish because I love the underdog role. I love being underestimated and proving them wrong.

Fast forward a few years now I’m 34 married with 3 kids and tons of life to live and the doctor says:

Doctor: we need to implement diet, exercise and possibly weight loss surgery.

Me: Weight loss surgery Doc. damn son I’m that big.

Doctor: I mean your weight crept up a little bit but I can tell you work out frequently so I’m not worried about the exercise. On the other hand, a word to the wise is that your heart is your biggest muscle. Even though you have a huge chest and big triceps if the heart fails then everything goes so the weight surgery can definitely prolong your life in conjunction with diet and exercise. Don’t think the surgery is the beginning and closing. You have to complete a program first and who knows you may lose 30-40 pounds while in the program and surgery isn’t even an option. Just think about it. See you in a month Mr. Grayson.

Me: aight Doc.

The whole ride I was thinking about life and how it would be if I wasn’t here and seeing my wife and kids go on without their protector was horrifying. Normally, I don’t have any emotions toward anything but that conversation had me thinking like A Boogie after he got shot in Paid in Full. Shit, I got a CPAP so I’m breathing different so something has to give. Ultimately, this is a decision I have to make but it isn’t the physical because I don’t mind a diet and I love working out.  I use my daughter Morgan as motivation for working out because she always calls me “Mr. Incredible” and I love playing sports so being active isn’t the problem. This is really a psychological issue for me. My whole life I have been big and I dealt with the bullying, teasing and mean comments from people and transformed into a cool motherfucka and I preserved through this. So if I do this, am I erasing my identity? What are the pros and cons of this? Am I conforming to what society deems as healthy? Am I just joining a new wave? These are the questions that I ask myself and every time I ask that question I answer the question differently. Will I be looked at the same as a smaller person? Like the doctor said, I can do the program lose weight and surgery not even being an option. Am I scared of surgery? Being a smaller size definitely has some benefits especially when I’m in the sheets with the misses but at what cost will it take for me to get there. At this point in my life, I’m living for myself as well as other therefore my actions affect everybody so we will see how this journey goes. I didn’t get this body overnight so I won’t lose this body overnight but the process is what this is all about it. Cheers to the next steps of this journey. Pass me a diet henny and baked chicken box from Sunny’s.

Oh give thanks

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24 hours from now we will gathered over the table giving many thanks to the cooks for another festive Thanksgiving. Whether you travel by plane, train, bus or automobile families from across the globe will come together to eat a meal, watch football, crack jokes and create memories that could last a lifetime. You want this event to be successful so here are some key points you must follow or your Thanksgiving can turn into an episode of Jerry Springer. As always govern yourself accordingly.

Rule 1: Uninvited

I know this is a time to be thankful for everything especially if you have food, water, shelter and clothing but if you must notify the host if you are bringing someone especially if they aren’t family. I can understand surprising family especially if you from out of town but going to grandma house and you bring Fe-Fe that only drink Fiji water and eats off the finest of China you stay her simple ass home. Ladies this goes for you as well don’t be bringing Bruh man from the 5th floor knowing he couldn’t all the food up, take a shit and move on to the next house. Have some couth.

Rule 2: Kids menu vs adult menu

Depending on the age of the child, your children will be very picky on any occasion so thinking Thanksgiving would be different in a stupid assumption. There is always an exception to the rule. For example, I do have a cousin who is about 8 that has the palette of a 40 year construction worker but for all the other kids just go with the basics. For example, kids you will not get the mac and cheese that contain Vermont, cheddar, Monterrey jack and imported cheeses from Wisconsin. You will get the Kraft family dinner box and you will like it. If you know your kids not eating the adult food please make sure you provide food for them.

Rule 3: Know the Cooks

Thanksgiving is a very important meal. There are people who have been planning their next Thanksgiving since November 25 of last year so please don’t disappoint. You must know all the cooks that are preparing the food. For example, if her arm fat doesn’t have the shape of an uppercase U then she can’t make the Mac and cheese. You need to see women in moo-moo’s with a bonnet and some slippers listening to the best of Shirley Caesar as she prepares to make beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lambs, rams, hogs, chicken, turkey, rabbit (you name it). Listen here and listen well if your sweet potato pies are so dark they look like pumpkin pies, go sit down and watch the game for this is not your ministry. Get that pumpkin pie all the way outta here. I want my sweet potato pie to be light and sweet enough to cause blood sugar to spike up expeditiously. In my family we call this ‘nigger pies’. I’m all for lifestyle changes but don’t you show up to a house of carnivores with a tofu turkey or baked vegan mac and cheese. I know somebody will like it but just not this household. Please have King Hawaiian Rolls, that’s all I have to say about that-Forrest Gump voice.

Rule 4: Dress comfortable

You are going to consume a lot of food in the next 4-5 days so dress comfortable. Nothing worse than seeing that button fighting for their life because you ate so much food and now you are about to pop literally. Not to mention you are going to someone’s house why are you dressing like you are going to the club wearing heels and all that knowing grandma makes you take your shoes off as soon as you walk in the door. You aint getting chose on Thanksgiving Day so ladies wear your leggings and oversized sweater. Fellas, you aren’t exempt for this rule either. Your auntie doesn’t want to see you in jeans that she can probably fit and a snug ass shirt. So take your Walmart version of Nino Brown and sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change.

Rule 5: Bringing the boo to Thanksgiving dinner              

This is a tricky situation because it’s nothing like bringing a new person to the place where it all began. As always govern yourself accordingly and please brief the family as well as the new boo before they come. Walking in blind to a family situation can be very awkward especially if they come from 2 different worlds. Case in point, fellas please let your girl know about the touchy-feely uncle that wears a du-rag and calls her buttercup or suga pie from the break. This uncle is the one talking like a pimp from a 70’s movie and mentions how he takes Viagra every day. Keep her away from that nigga. Also, if there are family members with any mental issues or something like Alzheimer’s please let me know. I forgot to tell my wife that the first time she met my grandmother and she talked to her for 2 hours straight and kept saying how Leonard Thompson was a low down snake in the grass. For the record, Leonard Thompson has been deceased since 96 but since he hasn’t come home yet she thought he was out here cheating. RIP Grandma. Ladies, if you know you have overprotective family members or known killers in your family please let ya man know upfront. Of course, they will test him anyway and this is a chance to see what he is made of but give him fair warning. For example, when I met my wife family for the first time, her cousin took me on a drive through all the projects as a scare tactic but I made out fine after I told him you being followed by somebody so we got low. Now her aunts on the other hand are a different story. I met her aunt and she said to me:

Auntie: have you seen Meet the Fockers

Me: yeah that’s a funny movie fa real

Auntie: well we meet the fuckers.

Game. Set. Match

Rule 6: When is the right time to eat dinner?

For most of us we will starve ourselves thanksgiving so we can make room for the Shirley Caesar platter, but when is the right time to eat dinner. Normally, we eat after the first football game is over which would be around 4 or so. I’ve been places where they ate as early as 1 but that wasn’t effective for me because I was hungry again around 6 so that’s a no go. I have also been places where dinner didn’t start until 6 and I went Tasmanian devil on that food. I think I got banned that night because I haven’t been invited since. It’s case by case scenario but what too long and you got a hunger headaches but you looked at WebMD and they said you having an aneurysm.

Rule 7: Liquor

At some point in the night you will indulge in an adult beverage that will get you feeling right. I’m talking the Bruce Leroy glow type of right. I’m MJ at a game 6 type of feel and if you lucky you might be smiling like Mike Jack did at the end of Thriller. But if you one of those people that wanna bring Mad Dog 20/20, Wild Irish Rose or some cheap ass vodka and think you gonna drink up all the Henny or Dusse you got another thing coming. Keep that bad energy with you while we sip on that hen dawg. Have some decorum young man. You are a lost soul and we will pray for you but you can’t drink with us. Seats taken.

Rule 8: Family Feud

I know Hov said nobody wins when the family feud; but we all have that family member that just wants to stir up another batch of shit flavored Kool-Aid. This is the one that has nothing nice to say at all but always needs your help because their lights are about to get cut off. Don’t be that nigga. Sometimes it is good to get the tension out in the atmosphere instead of keeping it in but if you the Cousin Faith of the family then you may want to sit this Thanksgiving out. If you like Gator and you want mama to put cash in my hand just watch out for the Good ol Reverend Doctor. Arguments happen but contain it so it doesn’t ruin the Thanksgiving vibe especially if kids are around. Settle it over some Monopoly, spades, or something else but don’t turn this holiday into a nightmare. Please have fun and thank the Lord for all your blessings as they continuously overflow and have a good day and evening.

 

 

I’m Coming Home fa real

Morgan_State national treasure

48 hours from now, Morgan State University and Northwood Shopping Center will be lit from the crack of dawn to the sun goes down and then kick into overdrive as the stars light up the sky. Fliers have been hitting the internet for weeks. The only event that can cause this much havoc yet re-create such memories is homecoming. Morgan State University’s homecoming is this Saturday and now that’s it’s a National Treasure it’s about to be as black as me, all of What’s Up African? Apparel, Michael Blackson, Shannon Sharpe and Gabby Sidibe all in one room. It’s gonna be filled with weed, mild’s and that hen dawg. So, before you get your hair done, haircut, grab a nice outfit, or go to a MUA girl, there are some rules that you have to follow in order to make your homecoming successful. It only takes one to mess it up for everybody.

Rule 1: Find your kids a sitter expeditiously-Joe Clarke voice

Parenthood aint for the faint of heart so that’s why Homecoming should be the day that you have the right to participate in debauchery and do hood rat things with your friends. If it was up to me none of my kids are coming to Homecoming until they go to Morgan State themselves but we all know that shit aint happening. For those that are pregnant, please use precaution and if necessary create a force field to protect that young king/queen that’s about to enter the world. Just know bringing your kid especially if it’s a toddler/newborn will automatically turn your homecoming into an outside version of Chuck E. Cheese. Learn from my mistake. I remember taking Morgan to homecoming when she was in an infant. What was I thinking? First things first pushing a stroller with a baby bag and my lady’s purse was chaotic. Your kid is overstimulated, scared, filled with anxiety and they looking to you for help while you looking for a plate. Morgan was in a backward facing stroller so as I want a shot of yak, she want some breast milk, a diaper change and a new outfit because you know she messed up that outfit that we had to have from Macy’s but luckily for my wallet, I got it during their one day sale at 30 percent off. They can come to the parade and all that but once kickoff starts they are at their designated location. To avoid any let down just line up that babysitter now or face the consequences. Babysitters will be the hottest thing on the street since Bodak Yellow came out.

Rule 2: Know your body

Listen here and listen good if you know on a normal Saturday you have on your robe, bonnet, slippers with the bunny on it eating Halo Top ice cream and watching re-runs of Fix my Life by 10 pm, please know your body will not be ready for a homecoming made for a national treasure like Morgan State University. You should have started your homecoming prep about a month ago. Go for a walk, go to bed later do whatever you have to do because once the sun goes down Friday night you may be up until Sunday night just to watch New Psalmist on Demand so you begin your quest for salvation on Monday.

Rule 3: Drink Responsibly

If Mo Wilson, Sammie or both have anything to do with Homecoming or any event this weekend please govern yourself accordingly because they will have you looking like Groove from House Party and many of us are too big to being helped to their car. Whether you are at a tailgate or at Northwood just know those red cups and your vital organs are having a hell in the cell match. Your organs will go as hard as Leonidas in 300 but after that last Long Island Ice Tea or that French Connection your whole body turns into Weekend at Bernie’s. It’s nothing but red cups, double red cups, Faygo bottles and other types of bottles in every one’s hand at homecoming and guess what it’s all liquor in those cups. Hopefully you got the eVite from Sammie but if not oh well. Please know your liquor tolerance. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling, mumbling and stumbling (Chris Berman voice). Nothing wrong with a little shot of Henny quite frankly I turn into Henny G with my melodic voice and the words that spew from it. I know some ladies are laughing at that but I’ve bagged plenty off that Henny.

Rule 4: Know the temperature

We got weather apps, Alexa, Echo Dot, Siri, Channel 101 if you have Xfinity and other gadgets that can assist you on your clothing options on Saturday. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. If it’s 50 degrees, maybe Uggs boots are the correct selection but it’s 79 and sunny, I request that you don’t wear those. As of now the weather is calling for AM showers but 78 degrees with 80 percent humidity. In other words it could be Freaknik this Saturday at Morgan State University.

A few of my brothers, Farid Keys and Ant said it best:

Farid: 80 and rain…TUH! Folk gone think they in Miami. Girls gone be in bikinis/one pieces (don’t play yourself) and jean shorts (but the key phrase in that whole statement is don’t play yourself).

Ant: Miami weather in Baltimore mid-October sounds like love.

As always, be smart before you have toilet paper in your nostrils trying to hold the snot from falling down your face ol’ Roscoe for Martin looking ass nukka.

Rule 5: Don’t reinvent yourself

I’m all here for the rebirth in everyone’s life but under no circumstance come to homecoming thinking you are better than anybody. People don’t forget shit. We remember all the fights, the falls going up and down those old Student center steps so don’t act like Stephon Urkel when you were really Steve. I’m not saying that Morgan defines you but that holier than thou approach after college will get you roasted faster than those ribs on the grill. Another thing do not let the temptation get the best of you. If you married before homecoming you want to stay married after homecoming. Don’t let a homecoming hook up ruin your life. If you are going to indulge in sexual relations please wear an all body condom because you don’t want to end up on 1515 North Avenue on Monday morning. Fellas please don’t end up on alimony and child support payments because you slid in a DM that ended up in a group chat which then starts a conversations like:

Woman 1: With all due respect I know you don’t know me but I think you should know what ya man is doing

Woman 2: you can have that nigga

Ladies, you aren’t immune to this rule. Don’t get caught up and right when you about to get some it’s two dudes at the door with a dick. So what you gonna do for the dick, cause dude brought the other dude with a dick. Are you about to choo-choo for the dick, ask how he knows you for the dick. Don’t get caught in this predicament.

Get your hug (a future rule), maybe kiss on the cheek, have a laugh or two and get low.

Rule 6: Know your wallet

Before every homecoming you have to make adult decisions such as which bill am I going to pay, which one I am going to let slide until the following week. Am I eating Top Ramen for the week just to save up for a party? Will Netta have those Sunny’s coupons because the Lord knows what I want and I know HE answer prayers. Look every promoter in the world will have a party starting Monday and ending with a brunch on Sunday so for this one week you have to become an accountant and figure out what is your top priority. To be honest you probably can’t afford it all and that’s ok because you are now a responsible adult and moderation is key.

Rule 7: Be comfortable

It is going to be a long day so wearing something tight might not be the best idea. Fellas, if you built like Rick Ross before he lost weight and you can’t afford his type of clothing then certain designers might not be the move for you and that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with a shirt for Destination XL, Casual Male, Big and Tall section of any department store. Shit, if you wanna be fly get an exclusive T shirt and just freak it. I know bellies, beards and baldies are in style but it’s all in the presentation. Know your limits. Biggie Smalls, forefather of the Big and black is back attack made a profound statement; “I’m big black and ugly however I stay Coogi down to the socks”. If you don’t prepare properly you won’t make it to the however part. Use his words as a motivational tactic and flourish like a PowerPoint presentation during Finals week. Now go win this for Biggie, Fat Luther, Gerald Levert, Cedric the Entertainer and all other big boy trendsetters. Ladies we love when you exude confidence but there is a difference between confidence and “oh no baby what is you doing”. If you get confused for the aunt of the Jamie Foxx show certain looks may not suit you well. There is nothing wrong using your Haute Cash, Real Women Dollars, Ashley Stewart deals or Fashion Figure coupons to look like a million bucks. Don’t forget your MAC, Sephora or Fenty products to make the look complete. Another item up for discussion is shoes; if the length of your heels is on elderly usher level just wear some flats. If you know you walk like a baby calf fresh out of the womb please don’t pick Homecoming to wear heels and dammit if I see you in a pair of those one dollar Old Navy sandals or slippers with the fur on them I’m going to step on your foot with my construction boots. Get that dumb shit outta here. Your old ass knows better than that. Embrace your sex appeal.

Rule 8: You’re at the party now what

You’ve paid your money. You got your drink and you scoping the scene looking at potential targets and all that shit but make sure you have a good time. Fellas, if you know you don’t have the leg strength stop trying to pick a jawn up off the ground. If you haven’t learned anything look at the Facebook post where the Que flipped the girl over like it was WrestleMania. We are too old and brittle and women are looking too fine to be tossed like a sack of potatoes. Refer to rule 2 because if you know after you do the Milly rock you slip a disc in your back just resort to the 2 step. Alert your body now because the DJ is going to play a Philly set, some Dipset, some NYC shit, classic Go-go, classic Baltimore club and that reggae will make you need a back brace and some Icy Hot. Don’t go to the Sunday Brunch smelling like Ben-Gay because you went in the DeLorean and took yourself back to 2001. Ladies, if you know after a night of dancing you gonna need to get the Myra treatment on your feet with the sandblaster because your bunions grew out of control, trying to take over for the 99-2000 may not be the best move for you. Do the pocket knife and sip slow and let the party come to you.

Rule 9: Breast to Chest 

Some rules will never change and getting breast to chest hugs is one of them. Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. Homecoming is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Weak hugs will be met with a prompt response: Do you want to fight me? Yes box, No box, Maybe box. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Your hug should be like when Whitley Gilbert hugged Dwayne after she left Byron at the altar. Tread lightly during the hug thought because if you get a hard on like Mike did Alicia in the Wood that could turn homecoming into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, homecoming is your opportunity to become the Old Spice guy.

Rule 10: Leave that gangsta shit at the door

“yall go to parties to ice grill/ I go to parties to party with nice girls
you young boys gotta chill/30’s the new 20 nigga, I’m so hot still”- Jay-Z

“Analyze it for yourself, do the analogy/ that jealousy just might lead to a fatality”- Jadakiss

Men don’t be at Homecoming ice grilling everybody you see. I’m just here trying to party and get breast to chest hugs from nice girls and have them smell that new Scentbird on my neck and ask what scent that is so they can get you some so you can stop using that Axe body wash your 30 plus old ass is using. Picture this: Thousands of people. Melanin is poppin like old school popcorn on the oven and skin is just glistening like fried chicken out of a Stoko’s pan and you want to get belligerent and fight. How stupid can you be? Ladies and fellas are out here for the picking and you want to be that nigga. Choose your battles wisely because starting a fight is one thing but being the instigator and getting your ass whipped in front of all those people is the end of your Morgan State career. After further review, it has been determined that Morgan homecoming was the real reason that Jesus wept because He was just so happy at all the creations bestowed on this planet Earth and how fine they look. Don’t ruin it. Get rapture ready if you gonna be that jawn.

Last but not least: Bricks

So Morgan decided to show its whole ass like a vintage Prince outfit. First they are building new buildings quicker than Usain Bolt doing the 100 meter dash. Then they buy Northwood Shopping Center. If that wasn’t enough they have a sign stating “Where Blacks lives always mattered” Hold up wait a minute y’all thought they was finished. They were deemed a National Treasure and to top it all off they decide to create bricks leading up to Frederick Douglass. Are you serious-Dick Vitale voice? When I first heard this all I can do is act like I was in School Daze and say “awwwwwwwwwww shit.” Kudos to Morgan State for their creativity but please don’t use this as a means of getting the box. I can see a conversation like this occurring:

Boy: what you mean I don’t make our relationship public

Girl: I mean you ain’t make me your WCW

Boy: that’s because I put you on a brick

Girl: oh baby

Boy: taps head three times “can’t be on a brick if I didn’t attend the school”

Please be careful and be mindful who you put on a brick because if you are not careful you will be at Home Depot looking for red tape, a chisel or some concrete mix. Putting a woman on a brick may not get you that ass-Calvin from paid in full voice. As a matter of fact it will make you look like an ass especially if you picked the wrong one.

“I know you ain’t a pimp, but pimp, remember what I taught ya/ Keep your heart Three Stacks, keep your heart/ Hey, keep your heart Three Stacks, keep your heart/ Man, these girls is smart, Three Stacks, these girls is smart/ Play your part… play your part”

 Bonus Rule: Let the Greeks prosper

Let’s keep it a bean for one more moment please. There is a particular time after the game in which Greeks will participate in their homecoming ritual. Let them Greeks prosper man. Don’t be talking about how you could have been one but didn’t because your GPA was 1.6 and you thought taking 8 summer classes would bring it up to a 2.5. If you not Greek bringing up certain shit ain’t the move. For example don’t say ‘where the gay yo that tried to get AI snatched a few years back’ or ‘Did you hear one of those NUPES taped Frederick Douglas cane before Homecoming how disgraceful’ and finally ‘Son where is that Sigma yo that was running for Mr. Morgan and danced in that Blue Leotard’. Let us have our moment man.

I know there are more rules but this should be enough to get you through another MSU Homecoming. Stay Classy, Morganites.

 

Back to School Night

 

reid

As I’m getting older, I begin to realize that there are certain events I will have to attend where before it would be the last thing on the mind. For example, I ate whatever I wanted with no remorse now the doctor wants me on a plant based diet and I’m in the gym 4-6 days a week. I know my wife be like, ‘son get this sweaty ass clothes the whole fuck outta here’; on the other hand I’m getting stronger which is a turn on her so winner winner chicken dinner. Another event I must attend as I get older especially with me having kids is Back to School Night.

I’m driving with my wife to school because my son Reid had Back to School Night. It’s so weird to say Reid is in school like I remember holding you like a football now you got homework. Where did the time go? The whole time I’m riding the one song that kept playing in my head was Leaders of the New School, ‘It’s Just another case of that old PTA’. Listening to teachers talk about their goals and plans for the whole school year. Back to School Night is from 5:30-730 and since we are the Graysons we arrive right on time which was 7:15 pm. I know in her mind she has repeated this summary at least 48 times so she tired and ready to go home and then you see 2 more parents. I know she was like ‘Fuck’. It’s like when you close at 9 pm and at 845 somebody comes in the store and has a cart of 100 items.

This is how it went down:

Teacher: Good evening. My name is Ms. _____ and I’m your kid’s teacher. Here’s a syllabus in which we focus on sight words, letters of the alphabet, handwriting, reading books. They say they should know 30-50 sight words by the end of the year. UHHHHHHHH that’s a little ambitious but anything is possible. We will focus on reading books and you never know, your child may be reading by the end of the year and it just warms my heart to see them learn how to read.

*Sidebar…Seeing Reid trying to read a book at home makes me look him at Matilda when she was learning how to read and I’m so excited for that because he loves to look at books and tell a story. He is his Daddy’s son*

Teacher: Oh I’m sorry what kid do I have the pleasure of teaching this year

Me: My name is Sonny and I’m Reid’s dad.

Teacher: ohhhhhhhhh Reid Grayson

In my mind I’m like here we go with the fuck shit but let me hear her out and not activate angry black man mode.

Teacher: welllllllllll Reid is Reid.

I don’t even know what that means. Shit no one knows what that means but it’s provocative and it gets the people going. Sike, I’m lying I know my son and I knew what she wanted to say but she decided to govern herself accordingly.

Teacher:  He is very pleasant and easy to get along with. Sometimes he gets up to talk to me and I can’t hear what he’s saying. He loves to be around the kids. He will play along with the kids but not with the kids and every now and again he will just get up and walk away to another table and say ‘hey kid what you doing’. However; there was this one time when I asked him a question and he responded with ‘maybe later’.

Me: ha ha ha.

Quianna stares at me with the ‘nigga is you serious face’ and my conversation is now over.

Quianna: what does he do when you tell him to sit down?

Teacher: he sits down

Me: word he listens to you. That’s a win for the big fella.

See as I have stated in previous posts we have had Reid evaluated for many things and we still haven’t received an official response so this is new old shit to me about the quirks that my son has. I know he is intelligent and he knows his stuff but if there is something going on let me know so I can get the right services for my boy. He is the last Grayson and as his predecessor my job is to set him up with everything he needs so he can succeed.  I’m glad that she is taking interest in him and his development. Before, I didn’t think too much of back to school night because my kids were young but as they get older this become more important. Let’s see how this year goes not only for my son but for my daughter Morgan then next year Hannah oh man. The last name Grayson about to be a household name in the Baltimore City Public School System.

 

 

 

 

College Drop In

father son

A few days ago I went to the Should, Could, Dream Tour by my brother Cheers at Morgan State University. Seeing these incoming freshman glued to every word as he speaks with such passion is setting these kids up for greatness. College will create some of your greatest memories known to man, but going to a national treasure and a HBCU at the same damn time- future voice is an adventure that only a select few can talk about. HBCU’s have such an influence that it is often imitated by other schools only just to fall flat on their face as the melanin of these students continue to flourish and make a mark on history.

As I was looking in the audience, I began to think what if Should, Could, Dream was around in 2001 and 17 year old Sonny heard this message. Oh well since it wasn’t, this is 33 year old Sonny talking to 17 year old Sonny. Relax and take notes.

  1. Expand your boundaries

Listen kid, you are a Baltimore guy to the fullest. All you know is Baltimore but as dad once said, “Son, in order to be successful in life young man you must expand your boundaries”. Yeah, Baltimore vs. Y’all Whores makes an excellent t-shirt but that mentality will get you nowhere in life. Don’t listen to Drake, No New Friends. You will need new friends in order to be successful in life. Some of my closest friends in my life are from Philly, DC, PG, Jersey and New York City.

Who knows one of those guys or girls will help you find a job in the near future.

  1. Support your own

“It’s a secret society all we ask is trust”- Jay-Z voice…”We all we got” like Nino Brown eloquently said in New Jack City. In today’s world we are all we got. Support your own people man. We as black men and women are capable of creating some dope shit. Following Hov is cool and all but your man’s that’s starting from the ground up needs your support just the same. Whether, it’s a clothing line or a mixtape show that person the same support you show to those billionaires that don’t give a flying fuck about you.

 3. Campus Life

Campus life is the SHIT. There really isn’t any other way to explain it. Campus life can be described in just 6 letters: B R I D G E. Oh Lord, the bridge is a combination of the corner mixed with a fashion show and that slick talk. Face it; there will be days were you will say fuck school and just chill on campus all day. You will put on your best combination just to walk back and forth across campus because everybody must see your new outfit. On this bridge, you will discuss sports, music, politics, TV shows, women and possibly ruin your academic eligibility because you can easily be on the bridge from sun up to sun down. And when the weather is poppin and the women are dressed so elegantly you can forget it. Govern yourself accordingly because if someone yells, “what are those???” you might as well respond with “Worldstar” and drop him.

  1. Financial Aid

Financial aid is a necessary evil. Financial aid sometimes reminds me of Mrs. Trenchbull from Matilda; they mean well but their delivery can be a little unorthodox. As 76ers fans would say, “Trust the process”. We just want a refund and our classes not to drop. Financial aid can have you in there longer than Martin in the DMV on his day off or  you could be out of there quicker than Usain Bolt running the 100 meters Please come prepared to fill out paperwork and have all your shit together. Make copies of everything and hope for the best.

  1. Refund Checks

After a few months of struggling eating nothing but cafeteria food or saving just enough money for a Chicken box from Sunny’s or Stoko’s you may be presented a refund check for all your hard work you put in with for filling out you FAFSA. We all know when niggas get a refund because y’all use your damn mind. Just last week you were treating the cafeteria food like restaurant week now you see ladies in class with a MCM bag, 30 inch hair and heels knowing you walking on cobblestone and you only got a 8 am class. To make matters worse you walk like a baby horse after birth. Fellas will buy some Dopes or go to the club in a Versace shirt looking like an extra in a Migos video. Do it look like I was left off the video? Please be responsible. Don’t be like that Jadakiss lyric, “go to work for 2 weeks to buy Jordan’s just to be broke again”.

  1. Homecoming

Homecoming is the mecca of your college experience. It’s a weekend filled with debauchery, scandal and bad decisions. Nothing like the smell of Hennessy, weed, fried chicken, grilled food and desperation. Gorgeous women walking in packs. Fellas plotting harder than a Shonda Rhimes episode. It is poetry in motion, but all I need is a cup of Henny and I’m straight.

  1. Greek Life

Fraternities and sororities run the yard. Your job if you choose to accept it is to find the best one for you. For the record all the fraternities and sororities are cool with each other so if you express interest to more than one, they will find out. Whether it’s the Kane or Gold Boots choose wisely. Do your research. If you do become a member please under no circumstance switch up on your friends from the beginning and be Greek only. If you only hanging around Greeks, chances are you lame as fuck. Now you lame as fuck with letters. Your organization can’t erase your lameness so be true to yourself at all times. It’s easier said than done I know but don’t do that shit. It’s plenty of women that were quoting Angela Davis rocking afros in August and by March of next year quoting Amber Rose and wearing bundles. Fellas are guilty of this shit too and it’s quite disgusting.

  1. Probate Season

Every fall or spring there will be a probate or Greek introduction of new members in the pit unless you are AI, 10 Legends from Fall 03 then you probate under the bridge. (Arguably the greatest probate of all time, I’m a little bias since I’m the only big boy on that gig). Nevertheless, this is the rebirth of Greek life as old heads pass the torch and the young ones take over but remember an old head is always ready to pull your ass up so stay ready at all times. There will be always be someone in the crowd talking about how they should, could or dream about being on that line even though they had a 2.0 GPA. But, next year after taking 22 credits during the spring semester, 4 summer classes in Session 1 and 4 more in session 2 and working 60 hours a week they will be ready. Bitch please- AI guys voice

  1. Partying

Have fun. Parties will be in endless supply; whether it’s in a dorm room or in the club. You could party from Wednesday to Sunday every week if you want to but that gets old very quick and expensive. Remember your refund check hasn’t hit yet so save your coins. Activate Julius from Everybody Hates Chris mode during these times and just go after the women. Trust me there will be more than enough options for you to choose from. Don’t get too carried away. After a while, Robin Harris voice from House Party will pop in your head and say, “keep your head in them books and off them gals”. Always be safe, know where the exit is and shoot your shot young man. Go Kobe in the year he had Smush Parker, Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown.

 10. Man to Woman Ratio

It is safe to say that you will be outnumbered by a 150:1 ratio of women to men. I’m just playing it won’t be that bad but it is nice, real nice (Bernie mac voice). Whitley Gilbert, Freddy, Denise Huxtable, Justine from the Cosby Show, Ashley Banks, Lena James and the list goes on and on will be at your disposal. Please please please do your research. Find out who is who and what is what. 9 times out of 10 they all know each other so you must be a certified sniper like a personal trainer at Planet Fitness. (Sidebar: Personal trainers are assassins with their women clients. Don’t debate me. I have all day). You have to pay attention to their moves, see who they hang with and make your selection at your own risk. Please don’t end up a screenshot in someone’s GroupMe chat. Luckily, technology wasn’t as advanced when I was in school but today…good grief. Proceed with caution. You will win some and you will lose some but you will live to see another day.

I know I threw a lot at you 17 year old Sonny, but it was for your own good. Now go out there and make 33 year old Sonny proud. Flourish young man flourish. Fortune favors the bold so how bold will you be.

 

 

Any Given Sunday

sonny and the kids

I have come to face the fact that nothing is normal with my family of 5. They provide so much fun and keep me on my toes every day of the weekend especially on Sunday whether at Bedside Baptist or Freedom Temple. They bring memories that leave a lasting impression and last Sunday was no exception.  I overslept and missed the morning service but I remembered I was invited to a Baptism at 2 pm. At the young age of 33 these are the invitations that I expect to receive. I mean the club scene is cool and all but I’m definitely past my prime for that arena and I’m glad to see people transition into the next phase of their life. Being able to witness a baptism has deeper meaning as I get older because the parents of this child is stating that I want you to be in the village raising this kid. Face it we all got friends maybe even family that you would never let them watch your kid. Since, I missed the morning service there is no reason why I would be late to this right….wrong  wrong (Charlie murphy voice). First, my youngest daughter who has twists in her hair poured a whole cup of water in her hair so now my wife has to do her hair. My other 2 kids are fighting because my son wants to watch Scooby Doo while wearing a cape because he’s also the vampire from Hotel Transylvania while my daughter wants to watch some Disney bullshit. Needless to say there isn’t a dull moment in my house.

The service starts at 2 pm out Ellicott City somewhere and we leaving the house at 1:55pm. My wife plugs in the address in the GPS and it states arrival for 230 pm which is actually good for us. Historically, the Graysons’ as a whole are late to every event. I mean we felt good. We got that 4:44 blasting. My daughters are singing the hook from 4:44 and we got a shiny minivan stunting in my mind. But, I forgot who I was dealing with because I pull into the parking lot and this is the lineup: Aston Martin, Bentley Truck, Benz, Beamer, Maserati. It was like as I was in the driveway, Kendrick Lamar was in the clouds screaming ‘Nigga be humble’. Car after car pulling up and before we get in the church main man says, “we at capacity and all kids got to sit on their parents lap”. I’m like damn, it’s a baptism not a bar mitzvah. Fellas, and the women oh Lord the women (g money from new jack city voice). Good grief. It was nothing but YSL, Givenchy, 24 inch and above Peruvian hair fresh out the pack, sundresses,heels and just melanin of all shades. It was Melanin Illustrated. It was like every Page 43 from JET magazine over the past 30 years were in one building. Now I know why  Jesus wept. He wept because of all these melanin He created so elegantly graced the earth.

The church was small and I’m looking like a NFL lineman so you already know I gotta do the club walk. We have all been there where the club is packed and we gotta move ever so gingerly. The usher says to me, ‘hey man you got a family of 5 so you gotta sit in the choir loft all the way up front”. The aisle is cut in half to make extra seats so I’m fucked from the get go. To paint the picture I’m 6 feet tall about 325 pounds with a spearmint polo rolling into church late carrying a Lalaloopzy bag in one hand and Hannah in the other. Safe to say my tough guy rating is low. If this was Madden, my toughness rating would be 0. Can’t do nothing gangsta with a pink book bag. The whole time I’m like excuse me, my bad yo, whats good big homie trying to squeeze through and then it’s always one nigga that never wanna cooperate. He sees my big ass family coming down this aisle and he doesn’t want to move so fuck it, I smack him with my book bag and keep moving. We make it to the choir loft and we sit down but it was like the whole church focused their attention on us. I got big ass Reid on one leg, Hannah on the other and I’m looking in the crowd and all the fathers giving me the head nod which meant, ‘we see you big fella and prayers in advance that your kids don’t act a whole fool during this service’.

Everything is going good. The service is moving along. The preacher is preaching the good word, you know the word where after every sentence is followed by the organ. The congregation is standing up, shouting their praises and then the preacher says: “And you know what the Lord wants”. The church goes silent but in my son Reid’s mind it was his time to shine.  It was like the time Kevin Hart was about to curse out his teacher because Reid looked at Hannah and if their minds were in synch, Reid was telling Hannah… ‘It’s about to go down’

Here is how it went:

Preacher:  And you know what the Lord wants….

Reid: (screaming loudly) I want tablet. Share Hannah right now.

Hannah: Talking Tom yaaaaaaa talking tom. It’s a mouse. It’s a mouse.

The church starts to look over. I got both kids in my lap. Reid is sliding down my leg like a water slide and the whole time I’m thinking how am I gonna survive. To make matters worse, people in front of me turning around saying, “you talk that talk young lady”. Really nigga. Come on man-cris carter voice. Then Hannah starts sliding down my leg laughing because she see Reid doing it, Morgan is asking who everyone is because if they don’t know her mommy then they are lame.

Sonny: stop sliding down my leg boy

Reid: weeeee… I am a vampire

Hannah: I am talking tom

Morgan: Daddy who is that? Is she a delta? I’ve never seen her before? Did she go to Morgan?

Sonny: I’m showing all teeth to distract the congregation but in all actuality I said Reid…Hannah..if yall don’t stop sliding my damn leg in front of all these people I’mma throw yall in the van.

The kid gets baptized and everyone is leaving the church. It wasn’t until I get into the lobby where a father came to me and said…’Sonny you a wild boy but you handle it. You was struggling for a second but you pulled through. I know you was in trouble as soon as you sat down. Keep hope alive. Black dad magic.’ Then he put his arm around his lady and turned around like Michael Jackson in Thriller and just laughed.

All of this happened in an hour. Imagine the other 23.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jane Carter

jane carter

 

FYI…fellas I don’t care how long you’ve been in a relationship with your lady please don’t get too comfortable. Do the same things you did in the beginning because the consistency is one of the turn-ons that keeps your lady interesting. Something we forget to do because we get too comfortable is ask questions. Check out this dumb shit I did with my wife and now I’ve been dubbed the black Doug Heffernan mixed with the spending style of Julius from Everybody Hates Chris.

I’m coming in from the gym so of course I’m drenched like I went swimming in a t shirt; therefore the next thing I must do is take a shower. I’m taking a shower but I forgot my hair stuff and I will be damned if I turn off the shower just to get back in so I saw some stuff called Jane Carter and I was like fuck it why not. I know nothing about Jane Carter or any of those products my wife use. All I know is that on the bottle it says, “Detangles, moisturizes and provides hair growth”. My mind gets to turning like shit; this is a winner winner chicken dinner. This is the trifecta. I should have been using this the whole time now my beard is about to look like Kiyan from Lion Guard then my wife aint gonna be able to tell me shit. I complete my shower and I get dressed and proceed with my day thinking nothing about it.

About 330, I hear this…’Sonny….Sonny…Sonny. SOOOOONNNNNNNYYYY’. Immediately I go upstairs in a panic because maybe something happened to one of the kids or maybe my wife is in trouble and I must go into warrior mode. Real rap I shouldn’t have brought my black ass upstairs.

Wife: did you use my Jane Carter?

Me: I don’t even know what that shit is for real

Wife: don’t lie to me nigga

Me: show me what it look like yo

Wife: “shows me bottle”

Me: yes, I did use it. I didn’t think nothing of it why did I do something wrong

Wife: did you something wrong? What the fuck you think? I can’t have shit in this house. First the kids want all my popsicles and water and snacks. You want the pussy all the damn time like I’m just a walking vag and a bitch can’t even wash her damn hair without your big head ass using my shit. This is Jane Carter. Jane Carter nigga this aint Suave ol Family dollar shampoo using ass. This was 20 dollars a bottle and it’s halfway gone and I just bought it yesterday. Damn. Just leave me alone

Me: Quianna ….baby girl….Joan

Wife: Sonny, leave me alone before I say something I regret

In my mind, I’m thinking that whole shit you just said a few minutes ago you don’t regret none of that shit. Fuck it, I will leave you be. I didn’t see the big deal about the Jane Carter but since it doesn’t have significance to me I treated it as such whereas my wife has a different appreciation for this product. Maybe I didn’t value her stuff which in turned brought a whole scenario in which I don’t value her as well. Trying to figure it out is like going on WebMD asking for help. You enter headache, WebMD says you just had an aneurysm.

In an effort to smooth things over, I go to Chipotle get her a burrito bowl with double everything and then I opened the door playing the New Edition classic, “When will I see you smile again” handed her the food and prayed I got the order right. Within a few bites we were back to being cool but this is one of the consequences that can occur when you don’t ask questions and get too comfortable. Next time you get too comfortable, Bryson Tiller gonna come down on a umbrella like fonzworth Bentley did on that Dave Chappelle skit when he was making the band and paused for about 8 seconds then yell DON’T. Hopefully this helps if not it’s another story at my expense. Stay classy, internet.

Long live the Cookout

cookout

Let’s be real Mother Nature has been acting like a schizophrenic all year long. One minute it’s do the right thing riot weather and Sal’s pizzeria is in trouble and in the same week we in the streets with the deuce deuce and the bubble goose. Recently, the weather has begun to reflect what it should be doing but if it fucks up again, blame Trump. We need to cherish these days ahead and what better way to do this then Cookout Season. Cookout Season is a great way to get people together that you love in one room over grilled food and liquor. To be honest getting invited to a cookout is like a wedding reception because everybody can’t make the cut and with social media being so relevant there is always someone salty that they weren’t there. If you post a pic and the comment is, “looks like fun at your little cookout”, just know that person is being showered in Lawry’s season salt. The scene itself is like the Sistine Chapel painting with the manicured grass, ladies looking like golden fried chicken all scrumptious and shit, while the fellas getting fresh cuts just to end up in someone’s backyard. Gotta love it.  With every season there are certain code of conduct that must be utilized at all times. Whether you’re at your own house or at the Squad Life Cookout coming up July 1st, you must adhere to the code of conduct.

  1. Inviting the whole neighborhood without telling the chef.

We all love cookout food. I get that but if my budget is for 20 people and you invited 20 people by yourself we gonna be in some shit which means people fighting for food like Doughboy from Boyz n the Hood came home because ‘bitches gotta eat too’ Out of respect you gotta ask the host before you make a move like this

  1. Make sure the cookout is kid friendly

I’m for the kids. Wu-Tang is for the kids. Trix are for the kids but cookouts may not be. Please communicate with the host and make sure kids are invited. The house may not be kid friendly so don’t add any additional risk because the last thing you want is your kid breaking the butt statue sitting on the TV stand. Quite frankly I’m trying to get furred so I don’t wanna be worried about no kids anyway so pass me the Henny.

  1. Complain about the selection of food and drink

First and foremost be thankful that you were invited to break bread with each other. The last thing you can do is complain especially if you didn’t bring anything but your appetite and a jawn because you didn’t have enough money to feed him/her yourself. When invited you should ask if they need anything and if they say no that’s one thing but if they say bring something then bring something.

If the cookout has crabs and you didn’t put in on those crabs keep your crabby patty hands away from the crabs unless you received an evite that you can eat the crabs

Sidebar: in the event the host asks you to bring something but you are financially destitute are you upfront with the host or do you not show up at all.

  1. Know your limits

Save yourself the embarrassment of running through someone’s yard holding your butt because your digestive system failed you or being stretched on the grass because you too drunk. Remember Groove from House Party…you know the brother in the suit. Don’t be that guy. Also don’t be that guy who Play was looking for when the toilet broke. You don’t want to remembered as the kid that can shit some bricks.

  1. Turning the party into your mixtape release party

I’m all for local artists getting a chance to make it out here but you just can’t force that. Now if the crowd request your tape then that’s awesome baby with a capital A. However, if that’s not the case don’t bombard the iDeck with Track 4.

  1. Cooking food knowing that ain’t your ministry

We know that some people have the gift of cooking and some don’t and that’s ok, you are still the product of the Almighty and you will be blessed. Bringing a dish knowing your ass doesn’t cook is a no-no. Nobody wants to try blueberry mac and cheese. Technical foul

7. Clean House

If you got a dirty house please clean that shit up before we come over. I don’t want to think that I drop a chocolate chip when it’s really a mouse dropping. (Look they were here before us but that doesn’t mean we have to see them)

  1. GTH (get the hug…dawg)

Listen it’s a cookout. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. A cookout is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Axe body but I don’t know your budget. Get the hug dawg-Tommy Ford voice. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, a cookout is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

  1. Dress accordingly

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. We have to appreciate the appearance of the black woman because when they dress up good Lord. Recent historians have determined that the black woman was the real reason that ‘Jesus wept’. They look like Ms. Parker, Damita, Sidney, Yvette, Claire Huxtable or Keisha. “Now Keisha was a bad motherfucker…tall, darkskin, some big ass tits looking like a ghetto Naomi Campbell” Just make sure you dress accordingly because you don’t want to be at the cookout walking like a newborn animal.

  1. Biggie said it first: this rule is so underrated/ Keep your family and business completely separated/Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch/Find yourself in serious shit

 

Translation: Bringing your white or co-worker that isn’t the same race as you to all black cookout could have disastrous results. Just because he’s cool like Bill Maher don’t mean he can say nigga like Bill Maher.

  1. Know the game

At some point during the cookout, someone is going to want to play Spades, UNO, Tonk, Taboo, Dominoes and the list goes on and on. If you don’t know to play those games ahead of time please don’t wait until this day to learn especially if there is money on the line. If you can’t beat the computer in Spades what makes you think you gonna beat a real person. Playing Spades at a cookout can turn into a Las Vegas Casino or Las Vegas after an event (ask Pac and Biggie).

 

 

Bro Code

bro code

“I ride for my guys that’s the bro code”- Young M.A

Listen man in life there are written rules and unwritten rules that you must abide by in order to have a successful existence on Earth. “Treat others as you would want others to treat you” has to be the standard rule that all races, genders, nationalities, religions need to live by. In today’s culture we as men live by the “bro code” which is basically a manual that needs to be reciprocated amongst other men unless you want these hands or other weaponry. So here are some truths that will conveniently point out facts that men from any generation must utilize.

  1. Never slander another man in order to GTD (get the draws)– This is just one of the most disgusting things a man can do to another man and the fact that it happens so much is even worse. Face it, fellas we pick the women but the woman chooses us. Let that marinate. If the woman doesn’t want you don’t be a douche about so fuck her friend or not but never lie on another man to get the booty.
  2. Bros before hoes– classic phrase but sometimes she got that wet wet and can do damage to a friendship. Now if this lady is your wife then all bets are off but if you are just a girl you jam after a cookout or something she should never have deference over your homeboy.
  3. Player 1 controller belongs to the owner of the house– how dare you come to my house and play 2K and think you are player 1. I take that as slap in the face and we must have a duel afterwards. Would you let me come to your house and eat the big piece of chicken hell no then why do you get to be Player 1?
  4. All groceries must be carried in one trip– I don’t care how you do it. But God gave you two hands so use them.
  5. Allow one urinal separation between men– I don’t know why we even have to elaborate but this rule gets broken quite often and enough is enough. Your shoe should never touch another man’s shoe while taking a piss. Case closed
  6. Even if we playing sports, don’t smack another guy ass– look man I know we see this on TV but I will be damned if every time you shoot a basket you have to smack them on the ass afterwards. Stop that bullshit expeditiously-Joe Clarke voice
  7. No sisters or mothers– Scarface killed Manolo. Stay away my moms’- Kyle lee Watson voice. Need I say more? It isn’t worth it. But step-sisters or step mothers is fair game.
  8. Open Bar at my funeral– Listen if you are my real bro, the repast will not be in a church it will be at someone’s house where there will be endless amount of Henny and other beverages. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I don’t like to party.
  9. Dogs– If you get a dog it must be up to knee length or bigger. Fellas if your bro wants a lap dog then you Ric Flair chop him as hard as you can. I’m 6’0 almost 325 pounds could you imagine me with a shitzu. Fuck no, in my ideal world I would have a mastiff bare minimum but for some reason I have a feeling it will eat my kids so big dogs or no dogs at all.
  10. Every crew must designate a wingman– If you have been given this high position under no circumstances can you fail him. There must be a shy brother, cool brother, woke brother, down for whatever brother. You have to be a chameleon to serve your brother as the best wingman.
  11. Never lie about bodies– Look man everybody isn’t Wilt Chamberlain with the ladies but be satisfied with what you have been with. Inflating numbers ain’t cool especially when we find out the truth. Just don’t do it.
  12. If invited to a wedding don’t add your own +1: Look man getting invited to a wedding is a big deal but if you’re a single just relish the opportunity of all the single women that will be there. Trust me the groom is going to look out for you and if doesn’t then take back your gift.
  13. Never leave another brother hanging– simple enough right
  14. Delete browsing history– No explanation needed. Erase me like I was in the Men in Black movie.
  15. Divulging information– If pressed by your lady about a party or a fellas’ trip you must use three word phrases only such as “it was aight”, “it was cool”, “and glad I’m back” short and concise statements are the best way to go.
  16. Can’t talk too much– When discussing you and other woman, you can’t go in-depth with all the sexual details. This isn’t the Cam scene from Paid in Full. Plus if your brother is really a Judas he may use that against you to fuck your girl which is a clear violation but you knew you was wrong but you asked for it baby-DMX voice.
  17. Fighting– If you see a brother fighting you must intervene but if you get your ass handed because your friend did some fuck shit like ran, you do reserve the right to fight your friend after all wounds have healed.
  18. No sex with the Ex– Look if you bring a woman to a fight party, Vegas night, cookout or any other social gathering more than once then unofficially that is your girl and under no circumstances can your friends fuck her after it’s over. It doesn’t matter how bad she is or how much she throws the pussy at you don’t do it unless it results in a train then go ahead and embarrass her but can’t have eye contact.
  19. No sharing – I know how the saying goes, “sharing is caring” but there are certain things that you can’t share. For example, 2 men should never share an umbrella. Look I’m a big dude and can rarely find an umbrella to keep my big ass dry what makes you think I’m sharing my umbrella with another person. That ain’t happening, captain. Another thing we don’t share is a dessert. Maybe because I don’t eat dessert like that but I just can’t imagine ordering a waffle cone sundae and asking for 2 spoons and the other spoons goes to another nigga with a beard. It’s like 2 hot dogs in the same bun. Just wrong. If you must link up at a restaurant please exhaust all options such as the bar and tables and if you have to do make your own table but two men in a booth shouldn’t occur.
  20. Moving– Very underrated rule but sometimes neglected. If you ask your brother to use his truck to move your shit out of your house, make sure you fill his tank back up and even offer to have his car detailed. Food and liquor is always an option as well and if your friend just so happens to own a clothing line, he must reimburse his brother with exclusive merchandise.

I know there are many more but this is just the beginning because as time moves on so does the rules. Stay Klassy, Gentleman of Planet Earth.