Category Archives: Uncategorized

Where were you

new-england-patriots

Last night was an action packed drama filled with suspense and a climax that even Shonda Rhimes couldn’t even ponder. No, I am not talking about the rebirth of 24; I am talking about the Super Bowl between New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons. This game had cliffhanger after cliffhanger but as Jim Valvano once said, ‘Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” and dammit if those Patriots ain’t give up. I wonder if Josh McDaniels called the Annexation of Puerto Rico for that Julian Edelman catch. Patriots must have watched the Jim Valvano ESPY speech while Atlanta was planning to visit Magic City with the trophy. I wonder is Michael Vick smiling on the low because if anybody was supposed to bring a championship to Atlanta it was that guy. Nevertheless, this game will go down as one of the greatest games in sports history. Some say that I may be a prisoner of the moment but overcoming a 25 point lead after the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history was only 10 points is nothing short but amazing. You don’t even come back from that deficit even in Madden because you pass the sticks after being down 21. We can go on and on about the game but as time goes on the question you will ask yourself was where was I when this game was played.

Earlier that day, we were solidifying Super Bowl plans. I got a phone call from my big brother about the game and here was the conversation:

Brother: yoooooo

Me: yooooo

Brother: what it is?

Me: aint shit

Brother: just checkin in. in or out?

Me: I’m in

Brother: aight bet

Translation: What’s good yo? How are you and the kids? You already know the Super Bowl is going to be at my house? Are you coming?

So I’m at my brother’s house and the spread is out of this world. Shout out to Mike Miller for being the grill master. Shout out to Cook for making drinks, shout out to Wylie for opening up his house for this occasion. It was standing room only and nothing but profanity and jokes throughout the whole game. All types of side bets going on. Case in point, one guy wears his authentic Michael Vick jersey makes this bet:

“If falcons win you have to burn that autographed Bill Belichick hoodie and if the patriots win I will burn the jersey”

In my mind I was like what the fuck are you thinking. The Patriots are down 28-3 in the 3rd quarter and Matt Ryan is moving the ball. But like they say the game ain’t over until the clock strikes 0. Don’t give Tom Brady any additional time. Stick to the script but of course this is why you play the game-Chris Berman voice. First the Patriots scored to make it 28-9 and it stays there because Gostowski misses the extra point. Punt after punt turns into the execution of Atlanta’s chances to win the Super Bowl because Tom Brady ran 29 plays which resulted to 24 first downs. Tom Brady went Tom Brady while Matt Ryan went Matt Ryan. As Matt Ryan began to struggle, everybody starts to say and you think Matt Ryan is better than Joe Flacco. Leave it to some Baltimore niggas to mention Joe Flacco during the Super Bowl. Patriots kick a field goal and the whole time the crowd is going crazy.

One Patriots fan: “What the fuck Belichick. Go for it. It’s the Super bowl”

Another Patriots fan: “in Bill we trust”

Then the unthinkable happens. Patriots go for the onside kick and Atlanta recovers so you just knew the game was over; however, the Patriots stop them and they get the ball back. Then it’s 28-20. Then it’s 28-28. Are you kidding me-Reggie miller voice. This game which was declared over by everyone has this house going nuts and” I’m so happy to be here. This is the greatest day of my life”- African yo from coming to America voice. You can never bet against Tom Brady and dammit if he proved that statement correct with this game. Overtime begins and guess whaaaaaaaat. Tom Brady gets the ball and if he scores a touchdown this turns into the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Play after play first down after first down, Tom Brady is becoming closer to immortality. The grill is relighted because somebody shit is getting burnt tonight. People are furred and you can’t hear anything but loud noises and grunts. Then the toss play seen around the world as James White hits the corner and the referee puts both hands up to signal touchdown and pandemonium ensued. Everyone jumping up and down, all the Brady haters sitting in their seat slumped over like someone dope fiend leaning down Lexington Market and the rest is just in pure shock. Face it as a football fan this is the type of game you want to see all the time. Even if you don’t like Tom Brady you have to respect his gamesmanship and his clutch gene is on super saiyan.

Is Tom Brady the greatest player ever? Did New England wins this game or did Atlanta choke? What was Kyle Shanahan thinking? Should Brady retire? These were all the questions that we discussed as we parted ways with plates upon plates of food but before we left for the night we all went outside to see this Michael Vick burn. Sure being at the Super Bowl but being here at this moment can’t ever be replaced. 10, 15, 20 years down the line when the game is all futuristic us adults will be in our 50’s still talking about how this game was on and Tom Brady certified himself as the GOAT. What a time to be alive. So the question remains, where were you?

 

Super Bowl

Superbowl-party

48 hours from now there will be two teams vying for the right to be called NFL Champions for the 2016-2017. Will be it Tom Brady and the Patriots or Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons? Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. In a few days supermarkets will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. There will be some people that miss church or leave right after the sermon because once the TV comes on I am not moving. Everybody has that one guy in the crew that has the perfect house for these types of events because of the energy that it generates mixed with the crowd equals a good ass night. However, there are occasions when that person can’t host the event so this is where someone steps up to the occasion. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead  yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines.

Every time there is a social gathering you must govern yourself accordingly, but on Sunday the etiquette you must exhibit will rival any charm school that wasn’t on Vh1. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.

Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company

Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people this isn’t Real Housewives Sunday where you can just serve chips and tap water. First and foremost how you know I wanted people over my house Super Bowl Sunday. Some people don’t thrive under pressure and you don’t want to be remembered for having a whack Super Bowl party. How rude-michelle tanner voice

Rule 2: Clean your house

I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 3 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has old food stains and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it meaning it should be staged to make your guest feel at home not them holding their coats and looking at the walls to make sure no roaches come out.

Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests

If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.

Rule 4: If you don’t know shit then don’t say shit

Nothing worse than a grown man watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘did he hit a home run?’ Get your sassy ass out my house and take your Kenya Moore twirling ass that way. If you don’t know the game just be quiet and enjoy the game, commercials and the food. If you’re a woman and you know something about the game we salute you but don’t get cocky.

Rule 5: Have a plunger

Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:

Owner: who broke the toilet?

Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.

Rule 6: Don’t try new foods

I know Facebook be coming up with some ill ass snacks on the daily that people share every day. If you nice in the kitchen that’s one thing but trying to switch an ingredient and freak it into your own creation that’s a no-no (young MA voice).Nobody wants a pork chop cheese steak so just stick to the script we ain’t got the time or patience for your new delicacies that you wanna try. Leave that for your girls’ night sleepover.

Rule 7: Television

This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.

Rule 8: Be quiet during commercials

Listen on Sunday the different types of people that will be attendance at your house will vary to the passionate sports fan to the person that talks in Marshawn Lynch ( you know why I’m here). The one time where all people will be in unison will be watching commercials. People like the commercials. Social media lives for the commercials. Just admire their marketing strategy and patiently wait for the 3rd quarter.

Rule 9: Be careful who you invite

Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you inviting your pastor.

Rule 10: Have enough food

Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks  don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.

Bonus Rule: Dress Appropriately

More than likely you will be in the living room or basement of someone’s house watching the game so dress appropriately. You coming to the party in a short dress and high heels just isn’t becoming of you because for one you’re going to keep getting up and walking around because everyone has to see your outfit and two don’t be the girl looking like a hussy. You know the game and how it goes you trying to get chose and that’s cool but doing it on super bowl Sunday is not really cool. Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.

 

Statute of Limitations

statute-clipart-statutesandrules-bg

You’re a married individual with kids and a mortgage and countless bills that make your check look like why am I working in the first place but I’m thankful for everything that I have. Now let’s be real every man and woman has a past which includes past lovers. When I was younger, I wanted the virgin but as I got older I wanted more of a frolicking nun. Like I don’t want someone who is in the Guinness Book of Records but if you have some experience great. I know there are past lovers but I don’t want to be in a room with a bunch of niggas and the only thing we got in common is your pussy and head game. It’s like he got one up because the same faces and same moves you do on me was done on him and God forbid he was the one that taught you that. It reminds me of the 3rd verse of Hotline Bling when Drake says, “These days, all I do is/ Wonder if you’re bendin’ over backwards for someone else/ Wonder if you’re rollin’ up a backwoods for someone else/ Doing things I taught you, gettin’ nasty for someone else. The nonverbal communication between all 3 parties is crazy because we all have one thing in common and that’s the game. It’s very key on how each other plays this out because it can turn into a senseless act of violence or it could turn into some chill shit where it’s an event that happened in the past but the present and the future is with me so I’m chilling. In the beginning it can be a stare down where the one that hit it first can turn into Hov and recite this classic lyric, “Because you know who did you know what with you know who but just keep that between me and you…come on”

Some people just take it and be like hey man it is what it is and it’s no problem because what you may have disregarded someone else turned her or him into a treasure. Is there a statute of limitations where meeting a guy or girl of your significant other’s past? If you a married man does it matter who her man was when she was 17 but now she 35?  But, if this person was the last person before you does the rules change? Do the same rules apply for men? If you a married woman do you feel some type of way if you meet a woman from your dude’s past? Would you go out to dinner and break bread with someone that has had the same dick as you? Do you feel insecure or is it nothing but you got the grand prize which is the husband? Does distance matter? For example if she is from Boston but now lives in Baltimore and she visits home about 4 times a year and one of those times she goes she want you to hang out with her and this former flame even though he is married as well. Do you go or are you like fuck that?

So I’m over a friend house and this exact situation came up. Check this shit out:

Wife: hey bae when we go back to visit my family, we were invited for drinks with Jason

Husband: who Jason yo?

Wife: someone I grew up with and we briefly dated when I was like 16. (For the record she is 35 now)

Husband: never heard of yo before but it’s whatever

Wife: so do you wanna go or nah

It was at this moment where their daughter who is about 9 intervened. First thing I’m thinking is oh shit lil yo about to get popped for jumping in a grown folk conversation but that didn’t happened and I was floored with what she said.

Daughter: Daddy I know how you feel

Dad: oh word how you am I feeling

Daughter: you feel embarrassed

Dad: hi-5 baby girl that’s wzup but on some real shit don’t jump in my conversation when me and your mother are talking. Got it

I was thinking damn son Kids say the Darndest Things but should he have been embarrassed like his daughter said or was he reaching. He remind me of Lance from the Best Man when he was about to marry Mia but all he could think about is how Harper fucked his soon to be wife. Why would he feel embarrassed? For all we know he may not have fucked for real so you making the assumption that every dude she was with fucked. Is that an accurate assumption a man or woman should make with respect to their past lovers.

Wife: I aint checking for him, he aint checking for me. He just did a bid and she stayed with him because Lord knows nigga I’m out and he got lady hips and no facial hair. Fuck I look like leaving you for that nigga. He ain’t  helping with these kids or mortgage plus you lay it down daddy.

Daughter: is that how I got here mommy because daddy lays down a lot.

That was my cue to dip and I said ‘yo just hit me when you get a chance’

Should he go on the date with his wife when they go back home? Is this a big deal? Have you experienced this and if so how did you handle it? If he says no, should she still go since they grew up together? Let me know your thoughts.

#plottwist Have you been with your significant other and one of your former partners enters the room? Were you nervous like Issa when Daniel came to her party? I know rule number one is never let them see you sweat so do you have a waiting to exhale moment and snap back to reality. What if these two men/women form a friendship even though the other guy knows he has had sex with your wife in the past? Do you tell him/her during a truth moment session or no? Now if your significant other finds out from him/her instead of you then the trust may be compromised and he can possibly turn into Lawrence from insecure and start banging someone’s walls loose like that Migos lyric. I state this because if he/she tells you then it comes from a place of malice because you are the one like neo from the matrix while they were just second place and we all know no one remembers second place. For example in soul food when Mekhi phifer beat up that light skin yo after he told her he used to jam her and he deserved it especially after he said ‘I used to call her Coca Cola because she had that Coca Cola bottle shape’. On the other hand, it can lead to your partner getting his ass whipped like Cuty did Anthony on Dead Presidents. It can go a number of ways. We all have a past and that can’t change.

Me personally I wouldn’t want to know if they were complete strangers because it’s like the saying goes, if you weren’t there then it didn’t happen. But, if we were friends or knew of each other like to the point that they know that’s the misses then I would want to know because now I know how to handle the situation. As long as he don’t bring it up then it’s cool but the minute it comes up then we got to shoot the fair one. However, there are rules to this shit and they should be followed to the utmost degree.  The last thing you want to do is embarrass your partner especially in public. Even though the discussion about your former self was told it was the 2-d version because you saw it but couldn’t touch it like watching a movie but now seeing it in 3-D it adds a different layer that everyone can’t handle. As Taxstone would say ‘be safe tho’

 

Diary of a Big Yo Weightlifting

weights

Well the New Year is upon us. New Year. New Me. Time to go ham on these realistic goals. This is not going to turn into a weekly diatribe. This is more about certain shenanigans that occurred the first time I went to the gym for the New Year. First things first it was good to get back in the swing of things lifting weights. It was around 10:30 in the morning and it was a day off so I knew it was going to be packed but son it was packed like Kings Dominion during Black College Weekend. Everybody was on the treadmill, elliptical and Stairmaster but it was weird because it was only men doing cardio and the women were lifting weights. It wasn’t a lot of alpha activity going on. I mean more alpha female then anything. Is this a new thing? Are women trying to take over for the 99-2000? Are men trying to be extra lean? These are genuine questions because I do a little of both but I like lifting weights more than cardio. It was crazy. You had people signing up for new membership and then others are doing their daily routine and of course you got the one person that gotta Snapchat, Facebook live and let the world your next move. On a serious note can someone tell me why people lifting weights with a fitted cap on. You get the hat all sweaty and the shape is being compromised and I hope you don’t wear that with your finest attire.

It was a different scene then what I’m used to because I normally go at night or around 430 in the morning so going around 10 am it was crazy. Not to mention it was a day off for everyone so it was thick like WIC peanut butter. I remember signing in and looking at the treadmill and I was viewing the treadmill like a urinal in the men’s bathroom. Maybe it’s me but if there’s a one treadmill gap between people I won’t use it. It could be a big boy complex and I think that there isn’t enough room and then I’m sweating all crazy and I ain’t getting any sweat on anyone else. Nevertheless, I was able to find a treadmill and I knocked out my time while watching ESPN and now it’s on to the weights and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.

I decided to work on chest so I put 225 on the bench and I start to hype myself up a little bit plus Jeezy was blasting through the speakers so I’m ready. I look to the left of me and it’s another dude with the same weight on the bench and he’s looking at me like the Kevin Hart skit when he was in the gym and he was about to lift weights. So he did about 9 on 225 and he was like, ‘that’s how you lift weights. I ain’t seen you before. You look new’. In my mind I’m like yeah you wouldn’t see me during the day because I got a job my man. I just laughed it off and kept going toward my bench when he said that I couldn’t do what he just did.

Bench guy: you playing. You ain’t about this life here playboy. Real man weight over here

Me: playboy. What you just watch A-Team before you came to the gym?

Bench: I mean what’s up then

Right then and there I was like fuck it. Game time. Maybe it was the weightlifting gods initiating me to the new line of weightlifters. I knew it was all ego because he was smaller than me so his 8 or 9 is equivalent to at least double digits because my size. At this moment my mind turned into a Kermit meme:

Sonny: Should I just do 10 and workout with him since we lifting the same weight?

Sonny Savage: man you from over west yo fuck this nigga. Big and black is back. Stop playing with this clown. It’s time to get down or lay down and if you lay down you stay down cuz we don’t play around. Annihilate this dude leave his bench then go to your bench put 315 on and say get ya weight up lil nigga.

It’s safe to say Savage Sonny emerged from the depths of hell and did 225 20 times then walked to my bench put on 315. I only did like 7 so I’m not Incredible Hulk but then I ended it with a mean stare and a ‘get ya weight up lil nigga’

Bench: I see you playboy. Aight aight. But you the big homie though like that should be light work anyway. Then he tries to shake my hand and I’m like aight yo happy New Year. One day you can be lift big weights.

So until I left the benching area I could see that he was looking at what I was doing. Then I switch to the reverse grip bench press and it fucked the whole game up. He starts asking me mad questions then he wanted to try something light so I put on 185. At about the 3rd rep his breathing starts to change and he was done. I do a casual 12 and I go about my business. I knew I became petty when I asked him, ‘you want a bottle of water yo’. He ain’t say shit but I mean why challenge me. Why did you think if you beat me you get a shot at the world championship belt? This ain’t wrestling my G so lift your weights and go home.  I can say that with consistency and a change of diet, I could be cut up like the Thing from the Fantastic 4 or at least Mr. Incredible because right now I’m looking like Kung Fu Panda. I know it’s a process so it won’t change overnight and for those in the same boat or just trying to get healthier keep going and when you think you about to quit always remember why you started in the first place.

Your Target Weight Loss is….

harvey

My name is Sonny. I’m 33 years old and I’m overweight

Rest of class: Hi Sonny.

I’ve been a big nigga my whole life. I came out the womb wearing husky diapers. My dad is a big guy and so are some of my cousins so it wasn’t a big deal. As long as I played sports particularly football then my existence as a big dude was validated. Man oh man there have been some moments when all I could do is shake my head and be like what the fuck man. But for this very reason I’ve always been humble. I’ve always been the quiet, observant kid because I knew that since I’m the big dude you was gonna to see me anyway so let me at least make it a memorable experience. I could remember shopping with my mom when I was a kid and she would ask the sales clerk where the husky department was and that’s when I knew I was a big dude. Of course I got teased as a kid but I had hands though so after I popped a couple kids it was like I was the kid that played Biggie in the Sky’s the Limit video and all they could say was, ‘Look at they man eye, BIG man they never try/ So we roll wid em, stole wid em/ I mean loyalty, niggaz bought me milks at lunch/The milks was chocolate, the cookies, buttercrunch’.  Growing up I idolized people like Biggie Smalls, Barry White, fat Luther because at some point in my life I was told I looked like them but since they were the shit in their profession I didn’t mind it. But it was once I was compared to Doug Heffernan from the show King of Queens then I knew it was a problem. To the day, Biggie is still a major influence because of his storytelling and overall lyrical ability. But I learned quick that big and black is cool but having a stack as well makes it a whole lot better.

Like high school was a gift and a curse because I played football and all that but once football was over and I was back on my nerdy shit it was a bit challenging. Luckily, I have a good personality so I was still an overall cool guy but it definitely was some niggas cooler than me and it was definitely was some rejection from jawns because I was the big dude. It was like I was the bigger version of Stephon Urkel’. Another disadvantage at the time was that they thought I could make a whole couch by myself. Why the hell would you think of some shit like that? But when times were low, I would listen to some Biggie and I would snap out of it. I will never forget when Biggie said, “I’m big, black and ugly as ever…however”. Stop the record. This is when I learned what confidence is because you can’t say no shit and still expect to flourish. Once you say that you can’t say however. That’s normally the death blow but he continued to get women so it was hell yeah represent for the big fellas babee bay bay uh. I knew I had to improve myself overall and not just my weight because weight comes and goes but there are intangibles that you can’t teach so I also had to focus on those attributes.

I can honestly say I’m proud to be the big boy in the crew. Every crew has to have one. But it’s rules to this shit. First and foremost you have to be as fly as your crew members but you just have to know your limitations. If the shirt needs to be 3x then embrace that because it’s nothing worse than seeing someone tugging at the sides of their shirt all day because they think the shirt is too small. Be comfortable and fly at the same time. When I went to college, I was shocked because I wasn’t the biggest kid on the block and it was refreshing. Don’t get me wrong I was still in a 3x and I was still waiting on the 2 for 150 suit sale at K & G, but to not be the biggest dude was awesome. It gave me a new sense of confidence and all the walls that I built during my high school years were beginning to break down. I still had to be fly at all times because you can’t be the big dude and the bummy dude at the same time. You have to take some risks but you have to know your sweat tolerance. You’re asking what is sweat tolerance. If you sweat a lot no matter the weather you have to take extra precaution when wearing certain things. If you take a shower and you sweat in the shower then your sweat tolerance is low as shit. You have to take extra measures to safe out here. Those sweat rags become essential because the worst thing that you want to happen is wearing a fresh Polo of an exotic color and then the collar is filled with brown sweat marks like you were literally melting as you walk. Then you get the feedback from women was like a breath of fresh air but I had to stay humble because I remember a girl telling me that I got bigger over the semester and it fucked me up because the attraction that was once there is now gone. I know that be shallow but at 20 years old what could you expect. In all honesty I want to feel comfortable in my skin and in the clothes that I wear. I don’t want to squeeze into any pair of jeans or pray that my shirt goes over the belt buckle and I definitely don’t want to run out of stores to go to for clothes. Another thing that bother me from time to time is when all my friends be making clothes and they say I got you big fella but their largest shirt is a XL. Like that doesn’t even fit over my head and you think this is going to fit over my body. That’s wzup.

It was at this time in college when I began to lift weights heavy. Since I never had any guidance I have yet to hit my zenith. Even to this day, I know there are some heights that I’ve yet to reach but it’s not physical anymore it’s more mental because my mom would say you fine to me so I felt I could skip a day or two. Now that I’m married, my wife will say the same thing and the same shit has happened. But then I go to the gym and my daughter says that I’m Mr. Incredible so I’m like yeah but when I want to get a tuxedo jacket for a wedding the tailor is like No. It’s crazy now because there’s a few dudes I went to high school with who were skinny as shit now they are body builders but I will tip my hat off to them because they help others to achieve their goals as well. Nothing worse than a selfish bastard. I mean they are going to push you beyond your breaking point but once you achieve your goal then it was well worth it.

I’ve struggled my whole life on this subject but since I embrace being big it doesn’t bother me as much as it did in the past. I really just wanna feel comfortable in my clothes. I want to wear a tank top and  not look like I got titties on the side. I know the New Year is coming up and the gym is about to be flooded with people like me or some worse than me trying to get right. It’s ok because you are going to have a bad day maybe even a week or a month but keep going. Summer is coming but it’s the winter months when the experiment really happens. I remember watching Celebrity Fit Club and every week Harvey would say, “Your target weight loss is….” I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the skinny guy but I really just want to be healthier and live longer for my wife, kids and family. Now that my wife wants to begin this journey as well its extra pressure because we got to hold each other accountable and sometimes the way we express ourselves can get a bit harsh but as long as the objective is still the same then I can get with it. We are literally going from thick to thin. I know this isn’t going to be easy because it’s all in the experience that makes it worth memorable. I have to push myself beyond my breaking point in order for this to work. The first step is what is my breaking point. The only way to find out is to load the weights up. Let’s see who this story will end?

Have you struggled with losing weight? Are you still struggling? Did you give up? If you didn’t what clicked in your mind for you to keep going? What was/is your target weight loss?

 

 

Christmas time is Here

charlie brown

Man oh man. Where did 2016 go? In a few weeks Christmas will be among us. Families, friends, kids, gifts and basketball games will consume our day. We’re anticipating macaroni and cheese, turkey and other delectable items that will blow your whole summer 17 diet. The Christmas tree is decorated and there might be some cookies for Santa left while various family members prepare the food and I’m not eating all day because I’m going ham on all the Christmas food and desserts. They say the kids eat first but since I’m a child of God, I will abide by those guidelines. I sit there as I watch my kids opening gifts ripping up paper just to scream and give credit to some big white dude with a beard. Naw man fuck that you’re Santa is big and he got a beard but he’s black and his name is Sonny B. I’m looking at my bank statements now embarrassed to even walk into a bank because Tasha the bank teller ain’t gonna see this shit. I am definitely insecure about my funds (see what I did there).

On some real shit, I’m glad I can provide for my kids. As I get older I realize that Christmas is for the kids and not the adults and now that I’m an adult the cycle continues to repeat itself. When I was a kid we had to wait for my dad to wake up and since he worked almost 90 hours a week sometimes he wouldn’t wake up until noon and it would kill me and my sister. Of course mom was like ‘you better let your father sleep…if you go upstairs one more time I’mma take a gift back’. Me and my sister were shook like ass cheeks when rappers go to a Miami strip club. We were impatient and we wanted our gifts now. When dad finally woke up and came downstairs we went ham on the wrapping paper and we screamed at all the gifts we received. At that time I had no idea what sacrifices my mom and dad to provide me the gifts that I thought would make me the cool nigga.

Twenty some years later and I got 3 kids to buy gifts for and let’s not even go into what my wife wants now  I’m looking at my paycheck and all I can do is pray for the best.  Then come to find out my connect who had the discount last year ain’t got it this year so now I’m paying full price for shit now. Ain’t that bout a bitch. Oh well tough break nigga there’s always FUBU. Despite the fact we got Christmas gifts to buy, I got real life shit that in my opinion that is more important. I can buy you a tablet but if we don’t have no electricity then what. I still have to buy diapers, clothes, and groceries while providing a smile on my wife and kids face. I’m beginning to see what my parents went through and I’m appreciative of what they did. Now check this out, I’m looking at the prices for these kids gifts and they are fuckin buggin. I went to buy some shirts for Reid and they were on sale which was a win for the big fella. I’m about to cop 3 shirts for 20 dollars but shipping and handling was 27 dollars. Yea you read that shit right. The shipping and handling was more than the actual purchase. I felt like snoop dogg at the end of that Dr. Dre song when he’s telling everybody to eat a fat dick.

“Shipping  and handling can eat a big fat dick….

Taxes can eat a big fat dick…”

Are you serious? Now I’m looking at my budget breakdown and I’m like ‘nah chief…on to Wal-Mart I go’. I will do everything within my means to provide the best for my family but around Christmas time I have to look to my financial mentors which are Mr. Crab, Jason Pitts and Julius from everybody hates Chris and start to channel their spending ways. I’m like the Fingerhut commercial where someone wants to buy everything and I’m the budget that’s like nah dawg you wilin.

My kids are constantly growing so I know they will need shoes and clothing but it’s something about paying more money for their shoes then my shoes I can’t get with. On some real shit my feet ain’t growing no more and now my son’s shoes cost the same amount. How sway? Where’s JA? What would Jesus do? R U Rapture Ready? PSA to all the parents if you are going to buy toys for the kids please don’t buy sav a lot batteries because when the batteries die instantly then your kids bitching and they lose their mind and say something slick then you gotta give them a ric flair to the chest or the people’s elbow to shut them the fuck up. Face it kids these days be some ungrateful little bastards. All I know is one day my kids will realize the struggles my wife and I had to make sure your Christmas was great.  They will know about the arguments we’ve had because I bought the Essential brand instead of Kraft but since y’all ate that shit it served its purpose. They will know about they were drinking grape drink instead of grape juice.

Morgan: dad can I have some juice

Me: naw we got Kool-Aid though

Morgan: how come we only drink kool aid?

Me: cuz my kool aid is the shit. Then I gave her some Tang and now she wants Kool-Aid all the time now. I got that ass straight real quick.

Don’t go broke and forget the important things in life. Another thing parents if you got kids in school and they stupid don’t reward them with the high end shit. Like if your kid is in the 3rd grade and he’s only passing lunch he doesn’t anything Jordan but a Jordan to the ass to get his mind right. Christmas time is coming so that means me and the kids watching Charlie Brown opening presents and I’m praying the check don’t come out until the 30th.

 

Birthdays was the worst days

nino brown

“Birthdays was the worst days
Now we sip champagne when we thirst-ay
Uh, damn right I like the life I live
‘Cause I went from negative to positive
And it’s all…

(It’s all good)

…and if you don’t know, now you know, nigga, uh”- Biggie Smalls

Today you may get a notification stating that it’s Sonny’s birthday and you should share your thoughts. From there you get the HBD bro, Happy bornday, Happy Birthday, Happy solar return and many others response but the mere fact they took the time out is what’s most important. You hoping somebody put up a picture and you get tagged in it and then let the good times roll. I say that because there’s someone right now like ‘oh shit its yo birthday, that’s wzup but let me see what kermit, Ms. Piggy, Shirley Caesar and those Joe Biden memes hittin fo. Niggas have a birthday every day B’. Now you getting birthday wishes on your timeline, text messages on your phone, getting tagged in pictures and there is someone doing her best Ms. Piggy rendition:

Ms. Piggy….It’s his birthday just send him well wishes

Savage Ms. Piggy…fuck that send him a heart-eye emoji followed by a DM.

Birthdays weren’t always the best days when I was growing up. I come from humble beginnings and I’m proud of it because it made me the man that I am today. For the record just because I have both parents don’t mean I’m a rich kid. That has to be the biggest misconception of all time. Shit, I just got hit with an insufficient funds fee on my way to work today on my birthday. I’m getting more calls from bill collectors then family members today. You know moms was working at the bank she had the steady job, while my dad on the other hand; he was the mortician, limo driver, driving school instructor, cleaning office buildings. Like this man worked at Sinai, Johns Hopkins and Northwest hospital at the same damn time. When my pops was making bread, he was making bread to feed the projects nigga-Calvin from paid in full voice; but when he wasn’t we were satisfied with the end pieces.

Since my birthday is so close to Christmas, my mom would always say, ‘son I aint got nothing for ya man but Christmas is 5 weeks away so I’mma double up’ As a kid you wanted to be disappointed but this is ma dukes like what you really say. I’mma eat this second helping of mac and cheese maybe watch some wrestling and countdown to Christmas.

See I come from a family that didn’t really celebrate milestones. My grandfather was a World War II veteran and was the first black supervisor of Bell Atlantic which is now AT & T and he always preached that you supposed to be great, I’m not celebrating that. As a kid I thought that was fucked up but my grandfather couldn’t do nothing wrong is my eyes but as a grown up I can see where he is coming from. He was saying that you have to work twice as hard to get half the respect as your counterpart so if they graduate high school you get a Master’s degree. Always remember you are no better than anyone else but also know there is no one better than you. So I always treated my birthday as just another day because it wasn’t about the gifts, I can buy the gifts any day after all bills is paid, wife and kids are straight then I will buy me something but by that time it’s gone so Tough break nigga there’s always FUBU.

I’m glad now that I have a wife and kids because on this day they add laughter and enjoyment to this day that would normally consist of Sportscenter, Sportscenter, work, eat, Sportscenter maybe a workout then bed. I wake up this morning and my bones are cracking so I know I’m getting older. I get serenaded by my lady then she goes for the low note sounding like Toni Saxon so all I can do is laugh and be thankful. I’m thankful because of the social climate that we are living in today, everyday should be your birthday because at any given moment some cop or anybody will look at me like I’m a silverback gorilla and try to put silver in my back and celebrate how they killed a gorilla. I’m thankful because I’m learning in life that change is ok because change is the only thing that remains the same. The interactions with my kids this morning proves it:

Morgan: Happy birthday Daddy

Me: thanks yo

Morgan: how old are you now?

Me: I’m 33

Morgan: Dang you old. Do you need a cane or something? Were you around when Jesus was living?

Morgan and Me: laugh real hard

Now it’s time for Reid…

Quianna: Go say happy birthday to daddy

Reid: happy birthday dad…now we go to chuck e cheese

Me: naw son no chuck e cheese

Reid: I’m so mad *insert Arthur fist* it’s my birthday daddy not yours

Me: ok calm down buddy

Reid: I’m not your buddy *then he turns around and smiles at me like Michael Jackson do at the end of Thriller, I can’t make this shit up if I tried*

Last but not least Hannah…

Hannah: daddy…daddy…daddy

Me: Yes Hannah

Hannah: Can we watch a movie?

Me: Sure Hannah

Hannah: I Looooooooooooove you. *proceeds to take my phone and watch Netflix*

I’m glad that I am able to see this day and who knows this could be the change I was waiting for. Thanks to all my family and friends.

*Birthdays I had a penny

Now I’m at the bar right now drinking Henn-ay

Uhhh*- Sonny Smalls

And I’m out…

 

Are you Ready to Rumble

black-couple-fight

There are three things in life that we can’t avoid: death, taxes and conflict. Sure we can cheat death like Devon Sawa in those Final Destination movies but in the end when the Lord calls you home there is no stopping that. It’s like God be yelling to his angels, “Omaha Omaha” then you’re brought back from the depths of hell. Sure you can cheat your taxes but if they can throw Mr. Big in jail what makes you think they won’t throw ya ass in jail. Sure you can cheat conflict but then you turn in a yes-man which is one step away from being a bitch ass nigga. It’s ok to have a different opinion on a subject and not feel like you have to conform to what other people say. Conflict is necessary and isn’t always a bad thing especially if you are in a relationship because if you never make it clear what’s acceptable then anger and resentment turns into monuments of pettiness and those who indulge in them are seldom capable of anything else. Here are a few things that you and your partner will fight about and y’all gonna be alright-Kendrick Lamar voice

Round 1: Social Media

With technology transforming at the speed of light you are going to be tempted in the virtual world. The only problem is that your virtual world is cross-contaminating your real world. It’s cool to have a Facebook page, Snapchat and all that but thirst trapping is a no-no. We see this everyday whether it’s a new IG model or a guy who just finished a workout and has the caption ‘GAINZ’. Social media is the gift and curse in today’s society.  Whether it’s the DM, the heart eye or the eggplant emoji don’t get yourself into some real shit over your some virtual shit. Fellas please don’t get in a jam over a chick that has her thigh meat out in an onesie. Because the last thing you need is a text from your girl like, ‘oh you like thighs now’ then you’re fucked. Now you gotta drive out to Brandywine to get some Crabboss then swing past Central Ave to get a fresh box of Krispy Kreme donuts because you know the ones in Royal Farms are old just for her not to be mad anymore. Is it even worth it? Ladies you aren’t exempt. Please stop liking other niggas memes especially if they are dissing your man. For example, if I post a meme stating “if your man ain’t a Kappa then your man ain’t shit”; don’t like my post especially if your man doesn’t meet those standards. Why set yourself up for a Jody-Yvette argument over a meme? Cut that shit out.

Round 2: Spending Money

According to the latest stats regarding divorce, one of the major factors contributing to divorce is finances. I know you and your partner work hard every day especially when you hit your snooze button a few times and be mad as fuck you gotta go to work but since you like to live indoors instead of outdoors you go to work. You got some partners that act like Julius from Everybody Hates Chris and you have others that spend as fast as they earn it. Some things you shouldn’t have to discuss with your partner like buying coffee or a something from the dollar menu but there are some things that you may have to discuss with your partner. It’s not a dictatorship or anything like that but when you’re on a fixed income there are certain things that you can’t get right now and that’s ok but don’t go into the red for a few likes on social media. I suggest you draft a budget and openly discuss the bills and find out  how much money is needed for each bill. Now if the bills are paid and there is leftover money and your partner is still bitching then it’s definitely deeper than the hatred towards minorities and you may have to re-evaluate this relationship.

Round 3: GTD…Getting those Draws

Look man…you’ve claimed her. You kicked flows for her, kicked down doors for her even left all your motherfucking hoes for her. That’s a win yet she won’t let you in them skins huh. Ignoring the problem isn’t gonna make it go away; you have to talk about it and come to an agreement about how frequent you should be fuckin. Be realistic though. Don’t say every day twice a day and three times on Saturday. Hopefully you both are gainfully employed with social lives so there will be times when that doesn’t happen but at least you had the conversation because you don’t want the doors of infidelity to open because you not fucking. One variable that gets relationship jammed up with respect to sex is watching porn. I mean it serves its purpose but it alters your sexual relationship with your partner because your partner ain’t slurping it up like Pinky or making noise like Roxy Reynolds so if that doesn’t happen in your sexual conquest then you feel slighted. Don’t hold them to that level of standard because they get paid to do that. Don’t like 2-D pussy fuck you up with your 3-D pussy.  Don’t get me wrong if they are down for that then great but you can’t force it.

Round 4: A Mother’s Love

There’s nothing like a mother’s love.  A mother is vital in the development of relationships between man and woman but what role does a mother play in your relationship. There are variables to consider in this answer because there are various types of mothers. You have your overbearing mothers that smother you at all times. There’s the mother who just loves to mother. For example, have you ever gone on a day trip with your partner but your mother made sandwiches for both of you? You have no choice to scream, “You like that” in your best Kirk Cousins voice. You have those mothers that try to be your friend more than your mom and it can stir up drama. Do you get mad if every time you go somewhere you got to pick moms up? Does it bother you every time she wants to go to the store she want you to go to the store? We have to be careful with what we share with our mothers because at the end of the day she is still your mother and even if y’all have resolved your issue it can be a sore spot for ma dukes and a mothers’ shade is second to none. Boundaries have to be set and if your mother disrespects your mate you have to check her right then and there because if your lady doesn’t feel protected she’s gone. If your lady doesn’t check her mom then your man will always feel it’s 2 against 1 and the chances of winning that bad are slim to none.

Round 5: Chores

It’s 2016. Women are successful in their own right. They own businesses, have numerous degrees and just downright the shit so the days of you coming home at 5:30 pm with dinner sitting on the table may be unrealistic. It’s ok for your partner to cook dinner or wash dishes. There shouldn’t be set chores in your home because you are both adults and have the ability to fend for yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect your woman to unload three bags of trash while you look up memes on social media but fellas it’s ok to jump in when your lady can’t do it. Are there certain chores designated for men only or women only?

Round 6: Family Drama

Everybody family is different. But when you date him/her you are seeing the foundation of their existence. There will be issues that you will disagree on and that’s ok but try not to put your partner in the middle of a tug of war between you and their family. The last thing you want is for them to decide because quite frankly you might not like the decision they make. I’m not saying be a doormat or a sucka ass nigga but pick your battles. I do have a question though…how do you react if someone from her family disrespects her? For example if a male family member calls your lady a bitch or something of that nature do you turn into Luke Cage or do you go MLK on the non-violent tip. Even though you’re family you ain’t family if you catch my drift. Now if it someone for your family disrespecting her then you  go by them goon rules if you can’t beat ’em then you pop ’em, You can’t man ’em then you mop ’em, You can’t stand ’em then you drop ’em, You pop ’em ’cause we pop ’em like Orville Redenbacher!!…Motherfucker I’m ill.

For the record this is all case by case scenario but I can admit that I have gone through all these struggles with my wife and we are stronger than ever so it’s ok to have a conflict but once you come up with a solution please implement it and you my friend can have the best week ever if not you are the latest contestant to be a Jordan meme.

 

I’m Coming Home

wp-morgan-logo

About 48 hours from now, Morgan State University and Northwood Shopping Center will be lit from the crack to dawn to the sun goes down and then kick into overdrive when the stars light up the sky. The only event that can cause this much havoc yet re-create such memories is homecoming. Morgan State University’s homecoming is this Saturday and it’s such a powerful experience that people will come from across the globe in order to say that they were there. But before you get your hair done, haircut, grab a nice outfit, or go to the MAC Store to make sure your face is straight, there are some rules that you have to follow in order to make your homecoming successful. It only takes one to mess it up for everybody. It’s like when back in the day there was a fight in school and activities were cancelled so don’t be the fuck up that’s fucks up Homecoming for years to come.

Rule 1: Leave the kids home B

Parenthood is an amazing thing. A lot of people love to re live their college days at homecoming and unless you was a parent during those days leave the kids at home. Your kids don’t understand the experience. They are probably scared to death because it’s so many people. If your goal is to turn up and have fun with some liquor and good food bringing your kids will create an anti-climactic story. My rule is unless they are in double digits they aint coming. They can come to the parade and all that but once kickoff starts they are at their designated location. Fellas don’t use your kid to get some single father pussy knowing you a deadbeat dad or don’t bring your kid just to pass to the mother while you acting like you don’t have a kid in the first place. Ladies don’t blow your budget trying to have your kid fresh to death knowing you got those Kidgets diapers from the Family Dollar and you praying somebody buy your kid a chicken wing from Sunny’s.

Rule 2: Make sure your house is in order

Listen, if you have a house nearby the campus just know it’s gonna be a madhouse because everybody will want to come there especially to get their second wind before they go to the party or they could just relax and take notes as they take totes of the marijuana smoke to recap the events of the day. So make sure all bills are paid in advance, house clean, bathroom is clean, paper towels and toilet paper. If they want food then start that process once they arrive because this aint my pay week and I got Lunchables and Kool Aid Jammers to get for my kids. Your house needs to look like you showcasing it to a potential buyer. Don’t risk a turn off notice because your friends will turn into Flavor Flav and say, “I aint got nothing for ya man”

Rule 3: Drink Responsibly

It’s nothing but red cups, Snapple, mystic and other types of bottles in every one’s hand at homecoming and guess what it’s all liquor in those cups. Please know your liquor tolerance. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling, mumbling and stumbling (Chris Berman voice) up and down the campus or at the tailgate and with the ratio of men to women being so wide don’t ruin your chances because you turned into weekend at Bernie’s’. Nothing wrong with a little shot of Henny quite frankly I turn into Hen Griffey when the henny in the system and I live the slogan, “Hennething is Possible”. I feel like Billy Dee Williams in Mahogany. I know some ladies are laughing at that but I’ve bagged plenty off that henny.

Rule 4: Know the temperature

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. If it’s 50 degrees, shorts and tank top might not be the best idea even if you want to show off your new leg and arm tattoo. Be smart before you look like Roscoe from those Martin skits. Prepare multiple outfits as the weather changes frequently.

Rule 5: Don’t reinvent yourself

Hear ye hear ye…more than likely we know your relationship status beforehand especially if you are on social media so please don’t try to steal the pussy or dick from someone else wrecking their home. Beware of the person that knows your status and still shoots the J and tries to get some play. Don’t let the temptation get the best of you. If you married before homecoming you want to stay married after homecoming. Don’t let a homecoming hook up ruin your life. You don’t want those problems over here big fella (chance the rapper voice). Look if you couldn’t bag shorty when she didn’t have the freshman 15 or responsibilities, what makes you think you can bag her now after she got the thick thirty and you got a mortgage and kids to raise. Get your hug (a future rule), maybe kiss on the cheek, have a laugh or two and get low.

Rule 6: Know your wallet

Look every promoter in the world will have a party this weekend but if you got a picture of Julius from Everyone Hates Chris in your wallet just know you can’t go to every party. First of all those club prices aren’t going to be the same club prices that it would have been on a normal Saturday so that could deter your plans off the rip. To be honest you probably can’t afford it and that’s ok because you are now a responsible adult and moderation is key.

Rule 7: Protect yourself at all costs

Look it’s gonna be some fine women there trying to get chose and for real, fellas are going to put on their finer threads to showcase their fashion sense. You might be lucky and get some but like the rule says protect yourself at all costs. Let’s be real your body count has increased since college but you know what else increased…these diseases.  To quote the late Tommy Ford, you may GTD but don’t get a STD. Pregnancy is real. Don’t become an after school special.

Rule 8: Dress to make sure you’re comfortable

It’s gonna be a long day so wearing something tight might not be the best idea. Fellas, if you built like Kung Fu Panda wearing some of these designers might not be the move for you and that’s ok. When I was at Morgan there were a few big dudes that always stepped up the dress game for the big fellas and always keep me on my toes. Shout out to my man D. Murry, my man Kane and my man L. Guy. We can’t look like we are 38 weeks pregnant trying to squeeze into a designer shirt. Know your limits. No one knows your body better than yourself so act like it when you are at homecoming. For example, if you don’t wear heels, homecoming ain’t the time for an experiment with heels especially if you want to try and be cute and for the life of us and all the latter-day saints please don’t walk on cobblestone with heels on. If the length of your heels is on Hillary Clinton level just wear some flats. I know somebody is having a sale somewhere. Get some real women dollars and purchase a nice pair of flats and your feet will thank you later. The last thing you want is your feet looking like the hamburger helper glove.

Rule 9: you’re at the party now what

You’ve paid your money. You got your drink and you scoping the scene looking at potential targets and all that shit but make sure you have a good time. Fellas, if you know you don’t have the leg strength stop trying to pick a jawn up off the ground and we too old to be holding your big ass up as you freak a young jawn with the amber rose booty. Ladies, if you know after a night of dancing you gonna need some Ben-Gay, trying to take over for the 99-2000 may not be the best move for you. You can’t afford to take Monday off because your arthritis has flared up and you got the gout. Master the 2 step and continue to flourish.

Rule 10: Get your hug

Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. Homecoming is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Joop but I don’t know your budget. But get your hug. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn homecoming into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, homecoming is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

Bonus Rule: Let the Greeks prosper

There is someone that you know that is Greek and they have remained their true self even after they crossed and they are some that don’t just keeping it a bean. But there is a particular time after the game in which Greeks will participate in their homecoming ritual. Let them Greeks prosper man. Don’t try to jump in their circle because they are worse than the Bey-hive. Don’t be talking about you could have been one but didn’t because your dog died or some silly shit like that and if you not Greek bringing up certain stories aint the move. For example don’t say yo son I wonder which Delta painted the AKA shield back in the day. Like on some real shit if you don’t know which one it was or if it even was a Delta that did that you ain’t gonna find out now. What you think this is? The 1-800-GetIndicted Hotline.

There are many more but play your cards right and your homecoming experience will be awesome baby with a capital A; but if you decide to deviate from this you will have 365 days of regret. Fortune favors the bold so how bold will you be.

 

Kids say the Darndest Things

mo

Look at this girl’s face. She’s pretty right. This is my daughter Morgan. She’s 7 years old and very smart but she’s getting to that age where she is asking questions that makes me think before I answer because if I answer it wrong then she’s asking another question and the cycle continues until I’m like, ‘shit I don’t know ask ya mother yo’. See the thing with me is that I love my daughters to the death but I know there’s gonna be a point where she gonna say something smart at the big fella and quite frankly I aint here for the fuck shit. I’m letting you know now I’m not ready for the smart remarks, side eyes and slick talk. My goal right now is to instill respect and fear at the same damn time-future voice. I want her to respect me enough that she can ask questions to gain clarity but have a level of fear in the event she come at me reckless. Like you knew you was wrong but you asked for it baby-DMX voice.  I have a sister and she has prepared me somewhat for these types of moments. Thanks Sis.

Shout out to Sammie and Netta because this is one of them #aightboomcheckit aka #whatyouwontdo type of stories involving a conversation me and my daughter Morgan. So aight boom check it, Morgan, my wife and I travel to White Marsh Mall to pick up a Lane Bryant order and get something for Morgan since she’s been doing great in school. Normal right hell no aint nothing normal in the Grayson household but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Pulling up to the mall blasting that Gucci or something trap like getting in the Julius from everybody hates Chris mode because I didn’t do the budget for the week so I’m frantic but I was told at a young age ‘don’t let them see you sweat plus you damn big to show emotion’. When I go to the mall with my wife she sometimes get the Biggie mentality and be like ‘clear the mall out fuck the fall out’ where I’m like shit that’s 67 dollars’ worth of jean jacket right there. You can’t wear a jean jacket with the sleeves cut I mean that should be only 35 dollars right. See I am a product of the big man syndrome. You ask what the big man syndrome is. The big man syndrome is when you are presumed to be mad at all times unless you’re smiling. Has anyone ever asked what’s wrong and nothing be wrong with you but since you aint smiling or laughing so something is wrong? It’s worse for a big fella so you better smile or else. If this has happened and you a big fella you might have big man syndrome. So I’m walking with my daughter and outta nowhere my daughter says this shit:

Morgan: ‘Daddy why you don’t smile? Why you so boring? You don’t ever have no fun you aint fun’

Me: What you say yo??? (My face was screwed up like bobby brown at this point)

Morgan: (thinking aww shit I might have fucked up but I got ma dukes right here so I’m good)…. “Daddy why you not smiling…aww never mind”

Quianna: Naw Morgan don’t be scared say what you gotta say. See Sonny kids be knowing man. She is speaking that truth. Tell him Morgan. Read him Morgan read him (add 3 snaps)

Now, Morgan getting gassed up like Sunoco all laughing and real confident. Quianna laughing all hard. Morgan laughing all crazy and I’m going through mad scenarios in my head. I realize at times I can be ruthless with my words so I got to be wiser when I shoot my verbal ammunition and since I felt blindsided  I felt the need to go Jon Snow on both these people. Should I go James Evans and say, “I’m boring huh. See how boring I am when you don’t have no food in the fridge or no cable in the house or no fresh shoes I bet you aint saying I’m boring then”? Should I go Julius from Everybody Hates Chris and say, “that’s 48 cents worth of breath right there I suggest you be quiet”. See I think my wife giving Morgan that courage upped the ante and deep down I know she was joking (I think she was but since I aint know for sure I still need to proceed with caution). I chose another option and laughed it off and said, ‘yo Morgan wilin for real. She dummin out on the big fella’ and then went silent the whole time I was in the mall.

I took the silent approach because honestly I didn’t know how to answer the question without coming off mean and with me being 6’0 damn near 330 that would cause a scene so let me chill. By me going silent it allowed me to decompress and think damn am I really boring hell no not Sonny Brasco but to Morgan, Reid and Hannah I’m dad so she might have a point. I think what made it worse was every 5 minutes Quianna asking me ‘you mad or nah’ and snickering. In all actuality I was just prepared to eat that one and move on but when Morgan said, ‘why you can’t be like mom’ that when I was like fuck it, it’s go time.

Me: Why I can’t be like Mom? What does that mean yo? Morgan you say I’m boring right. Give me an example because you buggin talking to me like that. (I think Morgan was looking at me transform to the angry yo from Inside Out and thought is this what happens when Keeping it Real goes Wrong because if it is I don’t like this)

Morgan: I mean dad you not smiling like you not happy. Aren’t you happy with me? Don’t we make me happy?

Me: (See how she tried to flip it on me real quick. She flipped it like Simone from the Olympics. My kids are the real sour patch kids like how I am supposed to respond to some shit like that. Well played Morgan well played) Of course I’m happy so let’s get to the bottom of this so you don’t say nothing crazy like to me no more yo.

I know I know she’s only 7 but this is how I talk.

Morgan: I mean you laugh on vacation or when we watching movies or when we together so when you weren’t laughing I just thought you were mad. Maybe I shouldn’t said boring what I mean was mad’

Me: I’m good yo just chillin for real aint nothing serious. But you gotta make sure you know what you saying before you say it because you may not like my response next time.

Morgan: ok dad. (Then we do a handshake and we back to normal shit)

I wonder if I gave Morgan energy that just threw her synergy off and she was like yo from Belly when he was like…’I don’t like that shit…naw I don’t like shit’. I have to realize that my kids is watching my every move even when I was just chillin and the wild part this is just the beginning. I’m not looking forward to her getting older and there’s still Hannah. Come on man-Cris Carter voice.