Category Archives: Uncategorized

Back to School Night

 

reid

As I’m getting older, I begin to realize that there are certain events I will have to attend where before it would be the last thing on the mind. For example, I ate whatever I wanted with no remorse now the doctor wants me on a plant based diet and I’m in the gym 4-6 days a week. I know my wife be like, ‘son get this sweaty ass clothes the whole fuck outta here’; on the other hand I’m getting stronger which is a turn on her so winner winner chicken dinner. Another event I must attend as I get older especially with me having kids is Back to School Night.

I’m driving with my wife to school because my son Reid had Back to School Night. It’s so weird to say Reid is in school like I remember holding you like a football now you got homework. Where did the time go? The whole time I’m riding the one song that kept playing in my head was Leaders of the New School, ‘It’s Just another case of that old PTA’. Listening to teachers talk about their goals and plans for the whole school year. Back to School Night is from 5:30-730 and since we are the Graysons we arrive right on time which was 7:15 pm. I know in her mind she has repeated this summary at least 48 times so she tired and ready to go home and then you see 2 more parents. I know she was like ‘Fuck’. It’s like when you close at 9 pm and at 845 somebody comes in the store and has a cart of 100 items.

This is how it went down:

Teacher: Good evening. My name is Ms. _____ and I’m your kid’s teacher. Here’s a syllabus in which we focus on sight words, letters of the alphabet, handwriting, reading books. They say they should know 30-50 sight words by the end of the year. UHHHHHHHH that’s a little ambitious but anything is possible. We will focus on reading books and you never know, your child may be reading by the end of the year and it just warms my heart to see them learn how to read.

*Sidebar…Seeing Reid trying to read a book at home makes me look him at Matilda when she was learning how to read and I’m so excited for that because he loves to look at books and tell a story. He is his Daddy’s son*

Teacher: Oh I’m sorry what kid do I have the pleasure of teaching this year

Me: My name is Sonny and I’m Reid’s dad.

Teacher: ohhhhhhhhh Reid Grayson

In my mind I’m like here we go with the fuck shit but let me hear her out and not activate angry black man mode.

Teacher: welllllllllll Reid is Reid.

I don’t even know what that means. Shit no one knows what that means but it’s provocative and it gets the people going. Sike, I’m lying I know my son and I knew what she wanted to say but she decided to govern herself accordingly.

Teacher:  He is very pleasant and easy to get along with. Sometimes he gets up to talk to me and I can’t hear what he’s saying. He loves to be around the kids. He will play along with the kids but not with the kids and every now and again he will just get up and walk away to another table and say ‘hey kid what you doing’. However; there was this one time when I asked him a question and he responded with ‘maybe later’.

Me: ha ha ha.

Quianna stares at me with the ‘nigga is you serious face’ and my conversation is now over.

Quianna: what does he do when you tell him to sit down?

Teacher: he sits down

Me: word he listens to you. That’s a win for the big fella.

See as I have stated in previous posts we have had Reid evaluated for many things and we still haven’t received an official response so this is new old shit to me about the quirks that my son has. I know he is intelligent and he knows his stuff but if there is something going on let me know so I can get the right services for my boy. He is the last Grayson and as his predecessor my job is to set him up with everything he needs so he can succeed.  I’m glad that she is taking interest in him and his development. Before, I didn’t think too much of back to school night because my kids were young but as they get older this become more important. Let’s see how this year goes not only for my son but for my daughter Morgan then next year Hannah oh man. The last name Grayson about to be a household name in the Baltimore City Public School System.

 

 

 

 

College Drop In

father son

A few days ago I went to the Should, Could, Dream Tour by my brother Cheers at Morgan State University. Seeing these incoming freshman glued to every word as he speaks with such passion is setting these kids up for greatness. College will create some of your greatest memories known to man, but going to a national treasure and a HBCU at the same damn time- future voice is an adventure that only a select few can talk about. HBCU’s have such an influence that it is often imitated by other schools only just to fall flat on their face as the melanin of these students continue to flourish and make a mark on history.

As I was looking in the audience, I began to think what if Should, Could, Dream was around in 2001 and 17 year old Sonny heard this message. Oh well since it wasn’t, this is 33 year old Sonny talking to 17 year old Sonny. Relax and take notes.

  1. Expand your boundaries

Listen kid, you are a Baltimore guy to the fullest. All you know is Baltimore but as dad once said, “Son, in order to be successful in life young man you must expand your boundaries”. Yeah, Baltimore vs. Y’all Whores makes an excellent t-shirt but that mentality will get you nowhere in life. Don’t listen to Drake, No New Friends. You will need new friends in order to be successful in life. Some of my closest friends in my life are from Philly, DC, PG, Jersey and New York City.

Who knows one of those guys or girls will help you find a job in the near future.

  1. Support your own

“It’s a secret society all we ask is trust”- Jay-Z voice…”We all we got” like Nino Brown eloquently said in New Jack City. In today’s world we are all we got. Support your own people man. We as black men and women are capable of creating some dope shit. Following Hov is cool and all but your man’s that’s starting from the ground up needs your support just the same. Whether, it’s a clothing line or a mixtape show that person the same support you show to those billionaires that don’t give a flying fuck about you.

 3. Campus Life

Campus life is the SHIT. There really isn’t any other way to explain it. Campus life can be described in just 6 letters: B R I D G E. Oh Lord, the bridge is a combination of the corner mixed with a fashion show and that slick talk. Face it; there will be days were you will say fuck school and just chill on campus all day. You will put on your best combination just to walk back and forth across campus because everybody must see your new outfit. On this bridge, you will discuss sports, music, politics, TV shows, women and possibly ruin your academic eligibility because you can easily be on the bridge from sun up to sun down. And when the weather is poppin and the women are dressed so elegantly you can forget it. Govern yourself accordingly because if someone yells, “what are those???” you might as well respond with “Worldstar” and drop him.

  1. Financial Aid

Financial aid is a necessary evil. Financial aid sometimes reminds me of Mrs. Trenchbull from Matilda; they mean well but their delivery can be a little unorthodox. As 76ers fans would say, “Trust the process”. We just want a refund and our classes not to drop. Financial aid can have you in there longer than Martin in the DMV on his day off or  you could be out of there quicker than Usain Bolt running the 100 meters Please come prepared to fill out paperwork and have all your shit together. Make copies of everything and hope for the best.

  1. Refund Checks

After a few months of struggling eating nothing but cafeteria food or saving just enough money for a Chicken box from Sunny’s or Stoko’s you may be presented a refund check for all your hard work you put in with for filling out you FAFSA. We all know when niggas get a refund because y’all use your damn mind. Just last week you were treating the cafeteria food like restaurant week now you see ladies in class with a MCM bag, 30 inch hair and heels knowing you walking on cobblestone and you only got a 8 am class. To make matters worse you walk like a baby horse after birth. Fellas will buy some Dopes or go to the club in a Versace shirt looking like an extra in a Migos video. Do it look like I was left off the video? Please be responsible. Don’t be like that Jadakiss lyric, “go to work for 2 weeks to buy Jordan’s just to be broke again”.

  1. Homecoming

Homecoming is the mecca of your college experience. It’s a weekend filled with debauchery, scandal and bad decisions. Nothing like the smell of Hennessy, weed, fried chicken, grilled food and desperation. Gorgeous women walking in packs. Fellas plotting harder than a Shonda Rhimes episode. It is poetry in motion, but all I need is a cup of Henny and I’m straight.

  1. Greek Life

Fraternities and sororities run the yard. Your job if you choose to accept it is to find the best one for you. For the record all the fraternities and sororities are cool with each other so if you express interest to more than one, they will find out. Whether it’s the Kane or Gold Boots choose wisely. Do your research. If you do become a member please under no circumstance switch up on your friends from the beginning and be Greek only. If you only hanging around Greeks, chances are you lame as fuck. Now you lame as fuck with letters. Your organization can’t erase your lameness so be true to yourself at all times. It’s easier said than done I know but don’t do that shit. It’s plenty of women that were quoting Angela Davis rocking afros in August and by March of next year quoting Amber Rose and wearing bundles. Fellas are guilty of this shit too and it’s quite disgusting.

  1. Probate Season

Every fall or spring there will be a probate or Greek introduction of new members in the pit unless you are AI, 10 Legends from Fall 03 then you probate under the bridge. (Arguably the greatest probate of all time, I’m a little bias since I’m the only big boy on that gig). Nevertheless, this is the rebirth of Greek life as old heads pass the torch and the young ones take over but remember an old head is always ready to pull your ass up so stay ready at all times. There will be always be someone in the crowd talking about how they should, could or dream about being on that line even though they had a 2.0 GPA. But, next year after taking 22 credits during the spring semester, 4 summer classes in Session 1 and 4 more in session 2 and working 60 hours a week they will be ready. Bitch please- AI guys voice

  1. Partying

Have fun. Parties will be in endless supply; whether it’s in a dorm room or in the club. You could party from Wednesday to Sunday every week if you want to but that gets old very quick and expensive. Remember your refund check hasn’t hit yet so save your coins. Activate Julius from Everybody Hates Chris mode during these times and just go after the women. Trust me there will be more than enough options for you to choose from. Don’t get too carried away. After a while, Robin Harris voice from House Party will pop in your head and say, “keep your head in them books and off them gals”. Always be safe, know where the exit is and shoot your shot young man. Go Kobe in the year he had Smush Parker, Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown.

 10. Man to Woman Ratio

It is safe to say that you will be outnumbered by a 150:1 ratio of women to men. I’m just playing it won’t be that bad but it is nice, real nice (Bernie mac voice). Whitley Gilbert, Freddy, Denise Huxtable, Justine from the Cosby Show, Ashley Banks, Lena James and the list goes on and on will be at your disposal. Please please please do your research. Find out who is who and what is what. 9 times out of 10 they all know each other so you must be a certified sniper like a personal trainer at Planet Fitness. (Sidebar: Personal trainers are assassins with their women clients. Don’t debate me. I have all day). You have to pay attention to their moves, see who they hang with and make your selection at your own risk. Please don’t end up a screenshot in someone’s GroupMe chat. Luckily, technology wasn’t as advanced when I was in school but today…good grief. Proceed with caution. You will win some and you will lose some but you will live to see another day.

I know I threw a lot at you 17 year old Sonny, but it was for your own good. Now go out there and make 33 year old Sonny proud. Flourish young man flourish. Fortune favors the bold so how bold will you be.

 

 

Any Given Sunday

sonny and the kids

I have come to face the fact that nothing is normal with my family of 5. They provide so much fun and keep me on my toes every day of the weekend especially on Sunday whether at Bedside Baptist or Freedom Temple. They bring memories that leave a lasting impression and last Sunday was no exception.  I overslept and missed the morning service but I remembered I was invited to a Baptism at 2 pm. At the young age of 33 these are the invitations that I expect to receive. I mean the club scene is cool and all but I’m definitely past my prime for that arena and I’m glad to see people transition into the next phase of their life. Being able to witness a baptism has deeper meaning as I get older because the parents of this child is stating that I want you to be in the village raising this kid. Face it we all got friends maybe even family that you would never let them watch your kid. Since, I missed the morning service there is no reason why I would be late to this right….wrong  wrong (Charlie murphy voice). First, my youngest daughter who has twists in her hair poured a whole cup of water in her hair so now my wife has to do her hair. My other 2 kids are fighting because my son wants to watch Scooby Doo while wearing a cape because he’s also the vampire from Hotel Transylvania while my daughter wants to watch some Disney bullshit. Needless to say there isn’t a dull moment in my house.

The service starts at 2 pm out Ellicott City somewhere and we leaving the house at 1:55pm. My wife plugs in the address in the GPS and it states arrival for 230 pm which is actually good for us. Historically, the Graysons’ as a whole are late to every event. I mean we felt good. We got that 4:44 blasting. My daughters are singing the hook from 4:44 and we got a shiny minivan stunting in my mind. But, I forgot who I was dealing with because I pull into the parking lot and this is the lineup: Aston Martin, Bentley Truck, Benz, Beamer, Maserati. It was like as I was in the driveway, Kendrick Lamar was in the clouds screaming ‘Nigga be humble’. Car after car pulling up and before we get in the church main man says, “we at capacity and all kids got to sit on their parents lap”. I’m like damn, it’s a baptism not a bar mitzvah. Fellas, and the women oh Lord the women (g money from new jack city voice). Good grief. It was nothing but YSL, Givenchy, 24 inch and above Peruvian hair fresh out the pack, sundresses,heels and just melanin of all shades. It was Melanin Illustrated. It was like every Page 43 from JET magazine over the past 30 years were in one building. Now I know why  Jesus wept. He wept because of all these melanin He created so elegantly graced the earth.

The church was small and I’m looking like a NFL lineman so you already know I gotta do the club walk. We have all been there where the club is packed and we gotta move ever so gingerly. The usher says to me, ‘hey man you got a family of 5 so you gotta sit in the choir loft all the way up front”. The aisle is cut in half to make extra seats so I’m fucked from the get go. To paint the picture I’m 6 feet tall about 325 pounds with a spearmint polo rolling into church late carrying a Lalaloopzy bag in one hand and Hannah in the other. Safe to say my tough guy rating is low. If this was Madden, my toughness rating would be 0. Can’t do nothing gangsta with a pink book bag. The whole time I’m like excuse me, my bad yo, whats good big homie trying to squeeze through and then it’s always one nigga that never wanna cooperate. He sees my big ass family coming down this aisle and he doesn’t want to move so fuck it, I smack him with my book bag and keep moving. We make it to the choir loft and we sit down but it was like the whole church focused their attention on us. I got big ass Reid on one leg, Hannah on the other and I’m looking in the crowd and all the fathers giving me the head nod which meant, ‘we see you big fella and prayers in advance that your kids don’t act a whole fool during this service’.

Everything is going good. The service is moving along. The preacher is preaching the good word, you know the word where after every sentence is followed by the organ. The congregation is standing up, shouting their praises and then the preacher says: “And you know what the Lord wants”. The church goes silent but in my son Reid’s mind it was his time to shine.  It was like the time Kevin Hart was about to curse out his teacher because Reid looked at Hannah and if their minds were in synch, Reid was telling Hannah… ‘It’s about to go down’

Here is how it went:

Preacher:  And you know what the Lord wants….

Reid: (screaming loudly) I want tablet. Share Hannah right now.

Hannah: Talking Tom yaaaaaaa talking tom. It’s a mouse. It’s a mouse.

The church starts to look over. I got both kids in my lap. Reid is sliding down my leg like a water slide and the whole time I’m thinking how am I gonna survive. To make matters worse, people in front of me turning around saying, “you talk that talk young lady”. Really nigga. Come on man-cris carter voice. Then Hannah starts sliding down my leg laughing because she see Reid doing it, Morgan is asking who everyone is because if they don’t know her mommy then they are lame.

Sonny: stop sliding down my leg boy

Reid: weeeee… I am a vampire

Hannah: I am talking tom

Morgan: Daddy who is that? Is she a delta? I’ve never seen her before? Did she go to Morgan?

Sonny: I’m showing all teeth to distract the congregation but in all actuality I said Reid…Hannah..if yall don’t stop sliding my damn leg in front of all these people I’mma throw yall in the van.

The kid gets baptized and everyone is leaving the church. It wasn’t until I get into the lobby where a father came to me and said…’Sonny you a wild boy but you handle it. You was struggling for a second but you pulled through. I know you was in trouble as soon as you sat down. Keep hope alive. Black dad magic.’ Then he put his arm around his lady and turned around like Michael Jackson in Thriller and just laughed.

All of this happened in an hour. Imagine the other 23.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jane Carter

jane carter

 

FYI…fellas I don’t care how long you’ve been in a relationship with your lady please don’t get too comfortable. Do the same things you did in the beginning because the consistency is one of the turn-ons that keeps your lady interesting. Something we forget to do because we get too comfortable is ask questions. Check out this dumb shit I did with my wife and now I’ve been dubbed the black Doug Heffernan mixed with the spending style of Julius from Everybody Hates Chris.

I’m coming in from the gym so of course I’m drenched like I went swimming in a t shirt; therefore the next thing I must do is take a shower. I’m taking a shower but I forgot my hair stuff and I will be damned if I turn off the shower just to get back in so I saw some stuff called Jane Carter and I was like fuck it why not. I know nothing about Jane Carter or any of those products my wife use. All I know is that on the bottle it says, “Detangles, moisturizes and provides hair growth”. My mind gets to turning like shit; this is a winner winner chicken dinner. This is the trifecta. I should have been using this the whole time now my beard is about to look like Kiyan from Lion Guard then my wife aint gonna be able to tell me shit. I complete my shower and I get dressed and proceed with my day thinking nothing about it.

About 330, I hear this…’Sonny….Sonny…Sonny. SOOOOONNNNNNNYYYY’. Immediately I go upstairs in a panic because maybe something happened to one of the kids or maybe my wife is in trouble and I must go into warrior mode. Real rap I shouldn’t have brought my black ass upstairs.

Wife: did you use my Jane Carter?

Me: I don’t even know what that shit is for real

Wife: don’t lie to me nigga

Me: show me what it look like yo

Wife: “shows me bottle”

Me: yes, I did use it. I didn’t think nothing of it why did I do something wrong

Wife: did you something wrong? What the fuck you think? I can’t have shit in this house. First the kids want all my popsicles and water and snacks. You want the pussy all the damn time like I’m just a walking vag and a bitch can’t even wash her damn hair without your big head ass using my shit. This is Jane Carter. Jane Carter nigga this aint Suave ol Family dollar shampoo using ass. This was 20 dollars a bottle and it’s halfway gone and I just bought it yesterday. Damn. Just leave me alone

Me: Quianna ….baby girl….Joan

Wife: Sonny, leave me alone before I say something I regret

In my mind, I’m thinking that whole shit you just said a few minutes ago you don’t regret none of that shit. Fuck it, I will leave you be. I didn’t see the big deal about the Jane Carter but since it doesn’t have significance to me I treated it as such whereas my wife has a different appreciation for this product. Maybe I didn’t value her stuff which in turned brought a whole scenario in which I don’t value her as well. Trying to figure it out is like going on WebMD asking for help. You enter headache, WebMD says you just had an aneurysm.

In an effort to smooth things over, I go to Chipotle get her a burrito bowl with double everything and then I opened the door playing the New Edition classic, “When will I see you smile again” handed her the food and prayed I got the order right. Within a few bites we were back to being cool but this is one of the consequences that can occur when you don’t ask questions and get too comfortable. Next time you get too comfortable, Bryson Tiller gonna come down on a umbrella like fonzworth Bentley did on that Dave Chappelle skit when he was making the band and paused for about 8 seconds then yell DON’T. Hopefully this helps if not it’s another story at my expense. Stay classy, internet.

Long live the Cookout

cookout

Let’s be real Mother Nature has been acting like a schizophrenic all year long. One minute it’s do the right thing riot weather and Sal’s pizzeria is in trouble and in the same week we in the streets with the deuce deuce and the bubble goose. Recently, the weather has begun to reflect what it should be doing but if it fucks up again, blame Trump. We need to cherish these days ahead and what better way to do this then Cookout Season. Cookout Season is a great way to get people together that you love in one room over grilled food and liquor. To be honest getting invited to a cookout is like a wedding reception because everybody can’t make the cut and with social media being so relevant there is always someone salty that they weren’t there. If you post a pic and the comment is, “looks like fun at your little cookout”, just know that person is being showered in Lawry’s season salt. The scene itself is like the Sistine Chapel painting with the manicured grass, ladies looking like golden fried chicken all scrumptious and shit, while the fellas getting fresh cuts just to end up in someone’s backyard. Gotta love it.  With every season there are certain code of conduct that must be utilized at all times. Whether you’re at your own house or at the Squad Life Cookout coming up July 1st, you must adhere to the code of conduct.

  1. Inviting the whole neighborhood without telling the chef.

We all love cookout food. I get that but if my budget is for 20 people and you invited 20 people by yourself we gonna be in some shit which means people fighting for food like Doughboy from Boyz n the Hood came home because ‘bitches gotta eat too’ Out of respect you gotta ask the host before you make a move like this

  1. Make sure the cookout is kid friendly

I’m for the kids. Wu-Tang is for the kids. Trix are for the kids but cookouts may not be. Please communicate with the host and make sure kids are invited. The house may not be kid friendly so don’t add any additional risk because the last thing you want is your kid breaking the butt statue sitting on the TV stand. Quite frankly I’m trying to get furred so I don’t wanna be worried about no kids anyway so pass me the Henny.

  1. Complain about the selection of food and drink

First and foremost be thankful that you were invited to break bread with each other. The last thing you can do is complain especially if you didn’t bring anything but your appetite and a jawn because you didn’t have enough money to feed him/her yourself. When invited you should ask if they need anything and if they say no that’s one thing but if they say bring something then bring something.

If the cookout has crabs and you didn’t put in on those crabs keep your crabby patty hands away from the crabs unless you received an evite that you can eat the crabs

Sidebar: in the event the host asks you to bring something but you are financially destitute are you upfront with the host or do you not show up at all.

  1. Know your limits

Save yourself the embarrassment of running through someone’s yard holding your butt because your digestive system failed you or being stretched on the grass because you too drunk. Remember Groove from House Party…you know the brother in the suit. Don’t be that guy. Also don’t be that guy who Play was looking for when the toilet broke. You don’t want to remembered as the kid that can shit some bricks.

  1. Turning the party into your mixtape release party

I’m all for local artists getting a chance to make it out here but you just can’t force that. Now if the crowd request your tape then that’s awesome baby with a capital A. However, if that’s not the case don’t bombard the iDeck with Track 4.

  1. Cooking food knowing that ain’t your ministry

We know that some people have the gift of cooking and some don’t and that’s ok, you are still the product of the Almighty and you will be blessed. Bringing a dish knowing your ass doesn’t cook is a no-no. Nobody wants to try blueberry mac and cheese. Technical foul

7. Clean House

If you got a dirty house please clean that shit up before we come over. I don’t want to think that I drop a chocolate chip when it’s really a mouse dropping. (Look they were here before us but that doesn’t mean we have to see them)

  1. GTH (get the hug…dawg)

Listen it’s a cookout. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. A cookout is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Axe body but I don’t know your budget. Get the hug dawg-Tommy Ford voice. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, a cookout is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

  1. Dress accordingly

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. We have to appreciate the appearance of the black woman because when they dress up good Lord. Recent historians have determined that the black woman was the real reason that ‘Jesus wept’. They look like Ms. Parker, Damita, Sidney, Yvette, Claire Huxtable or Keisha. “Now Keisha was a bad motherfucker…tall, darkskin, some big ass tits looking like a ghetto Naomi Campbell” Just make sure you dress accordingly because you don’t want to be at the cookout walking like a newborn animal.

  1. Biggie said it first: this rule is so underrated/ Keep your family and business completely separated/Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch/Find yourself in serious shit

 

Translation: Bringing your white or co-worker that isn’t the same race as you to all black cookout could have disastrous results. Just because he’s cool like Bill Maher don’t mean he can say nigga like Bill Maher.

  1. Know the game

At some point during the cookout, someone is going to want to play Spades, UNO, Tonk, Taboo, Dominoes and the list goes on and on. If you don’t know to play those games ahead of time please don’t wait until this day to learn especially if there is money on the line. If you can’t beat the computer in Spades what makes you think you gonna beat a real person. Playing Spades at a cookout can turn into a Las Vegas Casino or Las Vegas after an event (ask Pac and Biggie).

 

 

Bro Code

bro code

“I ride for my guys that’s the bro code”- Young M.A

Listen man in life there are written rules and unwritten rules that you must abide by in order to have a successful existence on Earth. “Treat others as you would want others to treat you” has to be the standard rule that all races, genders, nationalities, religions need to live by. In today’s culture we as men live by the “bro code” which is basically a manual that needs to be reciprocated amongst other men unless you want these hands or other weaponry. So here are some truths that will conveniently point out facts that men from any generation must utilize.

  1. Never slander another man in order to GTD (get the draws)– This is just one of the most disgusting things a man can do to another man and the fact that it happens so much is even worse. Face it, fellas we pick the women but the woman chooses us. Let that marinate. If the woman doesn’t want you don’t be a douche about so fuck her friend or not but never lie on another man to get the booty.
  2. Bros before hoes– classic phrase but sometimes she got that wet wet and can do damage to a friendship. Now if this lady is your wife then all bets are off but if you are just a girl you jam after a cookout or something she should never have deference over your homeboy.
  3. Player 1 controller belongs to the owner of the house– how dare you come to my house and play 2K and think you are player 1. I take that as slap in the face and we must have a duel afterwards. Would you let me come to your house and eat the big piece of chicken hell no then why do you get to be Player 1?
  4. All groceries must be carried in one trip– I don’t care how you do it. But God gave you two hands so use them.
  5. Allow one urinal separation between men– I don’t know why we even have to elaborate but this rule gets broken quite often and enough is enough. Your shoe should never touch another man’s shoe while taking a piss. Case closed
  6. Even if we playing sports, don’t smack another guy ass– look man I know we see this on TV but I will be damned if every time you shoot a basket you have to smack them on the ass afterwards. Stop that bullshit expeditiously-Joe Clarke voice
  7. No sisters or mothers– Scarface killed Manolo. Stay away my moms’- Kyle lee Watson voice. Need I say more? It isn’t worth it. But step-sisters or step mothers is fair game.
  8. Open Bar at my funeral– Listen if you are my real bro, the repast will not be in a church it will be at someone’s house where there will be endless amount of Henny and other beverages. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I don’t like to party.
  9. Dogs– If you get a dog it must be up to knee length or bigger. Fellas if your bro wants a lap dog then you Ric Flair chop him as hard as you can. I’m 6’0 almost 325 pounds could you imagine me with a shitzu. Fuck no, in my ideal world I would have a mastiff bare minimum but for some reason I have a feeling it will eat my kids so big dogs or no dogs at all.
  10. Every crew must designate a wingman– If you have been given this high position under no circumstances can you fail him. There must be a shy brother, cool brother, woke brother, down for whatever brother. You have to be a chameleon to serve your brother as the best wingman.
  11. Never lie about bodies– Look man everybody isn’t Wilt Chamberlain with the ladies but be satisfied with what you have been with. Inflating numbers ain’t cool especially when we find out the truth. Just don’t do it.
  12. If invited to a wedding don’t add your own +1: Look man getting invited to a wedding is a big deal but if you’re a single just relish the opportunity of all the single women that will be there. Trust me the groom is going to look out for you and if doesn’t then take back your gift.
  13. Never leave another brother hanging– simple enough right
  14. Delete browsing history– No explanation needed. Erase me like I was in the Men in Black movie.
  15. Divulging information– If pressed by your lady about a party or a fellas’ trip you must use three word phrases only such as “it was aight”, “it was cool”, “and glad I’m back” short and concise statements are the best way to go.
  16. Can’t talk too much– When discussing you and other woman, you can’t go in-depth with all the sexual details. This isn’t the Cam scene from Paid in Full. Plus if your brother is really a Judas he may use that against you to fuck your girl which is a clear violation but you knew you was wrong but you asked for it baby-DMX voice.
  17. Fighting– If you see a brother fighting you must intervene but if you get your ass handed because your friend did some fuck shit like ran, you do reserve the right to fight your friend after all wounds have healed.
  18. No sex with the Ex– Look if you bring a woman to a fight party, Vegas night, cookout or any other social gathering more than once then unofficially that is your girl and under no circumstances can your friends fuck her after it’s over. It doesn’t matter how bad she is or how much she throws the pussy at you don’t do it unless it results in a train then go ahead and embarrass her but can’t have eye contact.
  19. No sharing – I know how the saying goes, “sharing is caring” but there are certain things that you can’t share. For example, 2 men should never share an umbrella. Look I’m a big dude and can rarely find an umbrella to keep my big ass dry what makes you think I’m sharing my umbrella with another person. That ain’t happening, captain. Another thing we don’t share is a dessert. Maybe because I don’t eat dessert like that but I just can’t imagine ordering a waffle cone sundae and asking for 2 spoons and the other spoons goes to another nigga with a beard. It’s like 2 hot dogs in the same bun. Just wrong. If you must link up at a restaurant please exhaust all options such as the bar and tables and if you have to do make your own table but two men in a booth shouldn’t occur.
  20. Moving– Very underrated rule but sometimes neglected. If you ask your brother to use his truck to move your shit out of your house, make sure you fill his tank back up and even offer to have his car detailed. Food and liquor is always an option as well and if your friend just so happens to own a clothing line, he must reimburse his brother with exclusive merchandise.

I know there are many more but this is just the beginning because as time moves on so does the rules. Stay Klassy, Gentleman of Planet Earth.

Mock you very much

lbs1

 

DVR set. Snacks in the oven. Henny in the cup as I relax in the recliner after I give all my kids tablets to keep their ass quiet. I know you wondering why would I do that on a Thursday but today is the 2017 NFL Draft. Tonight is the night where Roger Goodell will step to the podium amongst the boo birds and announce the picks for your perspective football team. Everybody expects Myles Garrett to go number 1 but this is Cleveland we are talking about so anything is possible. But on some real shit with all the mock drafts from all the sites and everybody gonna be wrong at some point so why not use fictional characters where 100% of the time, I’m wrong every time. Tune into the first round of the 2017 NFL Draft on ESPN8-The Ocho.

  1. Cleveland Browns- Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans)

Arguably the best defensive player in the draft and Cleveland needs all the help it can get. Plus he won a state title in a racist town. Day 1 starter.

  1. San Francisco 49ers’- Steve Lattimer ( The Program)

This guy gained 35 pounds of muscle in 3 months and after reports of John Lynch talking about selecting him the last thing you want is Lattimer screaming, “what are you leading me on”

  1. Chicago Bears- Alvin Mack (The Program)

With his recent injury history, this selection may be a huge risk. But in the City where linebackers are revered add another one to the list.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars- Darnell Jefferson (The Program)

Three straight picks from ESU as Jefferson becomes running back of the future. The wildcard for this pick is Joe Kane.

  1. Tennessee Titans- Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)

Running game stamped. QB stamped. Wide receivers…not so much. With 2 first round picks they can go offense/defense and he wants us to show him the money.

  1. New York Jets- Shane Falco (The Replacements)
  2. Los Angeles Chargers- Earl Wilkinson (The Replacements)
  3. Carolina Panthers- Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday)
  4. Cincinnati- Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)
  5. Buffalo Bills- Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
  6. New Orleans Saints- Alan Bosley ( Remember the Titans)
  7. Cleveland Browns- Johnny Moxon ( Varsity Blues)
  8. Arizona Cardinals- Bobby Boucher ( Waterboy)
  9. Philadelphia Eagles- Earl Meggett (The Longest Yard)
  10. Indianapolis Colts- Wendell Brown (Varsity Blues)
  11. Baltimore Ravens- Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
  12. Washington Redskins- Danny Bateman (The Replacements)
  13. Tennessee Titans- Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)
  14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
  15. Denver Broncos- Billy Bob (Varsity Blues)
  16. Detroit Lions- Bud Kaminski (The Program)
  17. Miami Dolphins- Big Mike (Blind Side)
  18. New York Giants- Louis Lastik (Remember the Titans)
  19. Oakland Raiders- Luther ‘Shark’ Lavay ( Any Given Sunday)
  20. Houston Texans- Joe Kane (The Program)
  21. Seattle Seahawks- Gary Bertier (Remember the Titans)
  22. Kansas City Chiefs- Rudy Ruettiger (Rudy)
  23. Dallas Cowboys- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
  24. Green Bay Packers- Becky O’Shea (Ice Box-Little Giants)
  25. Pittsburgh Steelers- Meaney (Waterboy)
  26. Atlanta Falcons- Forrest Gump ( Forrest Gump)
  27. New Orleans Saints- Uncle Rico ( Napoleon Dynamite)

 

 

The Boogie Man

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It’s around 12:30 am this morning watching ESPN as they recap the lackluster All-Star Weekend when the screen turns red and the only words you see on the screen is BREAKING NEWS. What could be breaking news at this hour? Hopefully, it’s nothing tragic like a sports death. It may be a sports death if you’re a Kings fan because DeMarcus Cousins was traded to the New Orleans Pelicans for Tyreke Evans, Langston Galloway, Buddy Hield, 2017 first round pick (top 3 protected) and 2017 second round pick. This is ironic because Boogie was just in New Orleans for the all-star game and now this is what he is going to call home. I love the NBA.

DeMarcus Cousins is the enigma of the NBA. For all his talent, which includes a 20-10 average and now implementing the 3 ball, he is known for his technicals and his erratic behavior. Pairing him with Anthony Davis is a dangerous combination for multiple reasons. One reason is that they are top 5 players in their prime and in a half court tempo will give other teams the blues. It can also be dangerous because if they don’t mesh this could be another debacle and now you have two disgruntled big men who could leave the city. New Orleans is definitely playing with house money because DeMarcus Cousins is eligible for a 5-yrs./179 million dollar extension this summer and with his hometown being Mobile, Alabama, they have a good chance to re-signing him. These next 3 months will be pivotal in re-signing him because right now they are 2 games out of the 8th spot in the Western Conference playoffs and a potential matchup with either Golden State Warriors or San Antonio Spurs could be enticing. I’m not saying they are going far in the playoffs but anything is possible. Remember the 07 Golden State Warriors led by Baron Davis and Stephen Jackson beating the Dallas Mavericks squad that won 67 games. I’m just saying.

Let’s be real. DeMarcus Cousins isn’t a winner. He hasn’t produced a winning season since he has entered the NBA. For the 7 years that he has been in the league he has gone through multiple coaches, multiple teammates and multiple suspensions. He has already been suspended one game for reaching his 16th technical in the quickest amount of time. 24, 22, 28, 28, 29, 33 and 24 as of now represent the amount of wins the Kings have had since drafting Cousins.

Some are already calling this the heist of the century because of what the Kings received in return. Quite frankly, there isn’t enough value that Sacramento was going to receive for Cousins. It’s apparent that this was a culture move as the Kings are in full rebuilding mode and it starts with cutting ties with DeMarcus Cousins or this another case the Kings’ upper management not knowing what the fuck they are doing.  Even though, he is averaging 27.8 points, 10.7 rebounds and 4.9 assists a game his behavior was too much for the Kings to handle. Face it, you are not going to get equal value for him as various teams like Phoenix Suns, Orlando Magic and Los Angeles Lakers were fielding calls to Vlade Divac in the hopes of obtaining the disgruntled big man. Fear is the biggest motivator because his stats are gaudy but the fear of him ruining your team will get your ass fired. Another fear is the likelihood of re-signing him since he becomes a free agent in 2018. Stars like him never get equal value when they are traded. Other examples of this would be Allen Iverson to the Nuggets, Tracy McGrady to the Rockets and Carmelo Anthony to the Knicks.

The Kings may not have done badly in this deal. Sure they got a lot of players that don’t match up to DeMarcus Cousins but once you read the fine print this could be a win for the Kings. The Kings will receive Tyreke Evans, Langston Galloway, Buddy Hield, a first round and a second round pick. They get the Pelicans first round pick which could be as high as the lottery if the Pelicans miss the playoffs as well as their second round pick which came from Philadelphia and stands as the 35th overall pick as of today. Having a high second round pick can provide major dividends ask Golden State and their selection of Draymond Green. Sacramento also receives Buddy Hield who is a marksman from the field. In a shrewd business move trading DeMarcus Cousins practically guarantees that the Kings will keep their first round draft pick which was going to the Bulls in a previous trade if it fell outside the top 10. As of yesterday they were number 11. I can imagine they fall below the top 10 after this deal. Look at it from this standpoint, the Kings could end up with 2 lottery picks in a draft that NBA executives are calling the deepest draft class in 5 years, in addition to Buddy Hield and a top second round pick. This could be the re-emergence of the Sacramento Kings or it could be another example of the Kings being the Kings. According to a recent mock draft, they have the Kings selecting Jayson Tatum from Duke and De’Aaron Fox from Kentucky. These are two players that can jumpstart a franchise and with a high second round pick anything is possible. In other news, the Kings are making Darren Collision, Ben McElmore, and Arron Affalo available for trades as well with the hopes of returning more picks or cap-friendly deals. Let’s not forget that Tyreke Evans is on the last year of his deal. He could be bought out by the Kings and become available to any one in the league. Paging the Cleveland Cavaliers…Paging the Cleveland Cavaliers. These moves will create cap space for the summer and could bring more free agents to the city but with so much uncertainty, who wants to come to the Kings. It’s apparent that the Kings are ready to rebuild and it just sacrificed its biggest piece.

The Kings have reached that moment of clarity where giving away assets is not the answer. Thinking about long term success and acquiring assets is the sustainable course to right the wrongs of this franchise. For the Pelicans, if this trade works then it’s another edition of the Twin Towers and there will be plenty of things to celebrate in the Big Easy. If it doesn’t work well I don’t even want to know what happens if this doesn’t work.

Fortune favors the bold and this was the bold move by both teams. Which fortune will it favor? Only time will tell. All I know is everyone is downloading the latest roster update on 2K. In life you may have to lose in order to win. Who took the bigger L?

Where were you

new-england-patriots

Last night was an action packed drama filled with suspense and a climax that even Shonda Rhimes couldn’t even ponder. No, I am not talking about the rebirth of 24; I am talking about the Super Bowl between New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons. This game had cliffhanger after cliffhanger but as Jim Valvano once said, ‘Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” and dammit if those Patriots ain’t give up. I wonder if Josh McDaniels called the Annexation of Puerto Rico for that Julian Edelman catch. Patriots must have watched the Jim Valvano ESPY speech while Atlanta was planning to visit Magic City with the trophy. I wonder is Michael Vick smiling on the low because if anybody was supposed to bring a championship to Atlanta it was that guy. Nevertheless, this game will go down as one of the greatest games in sports history. Some say that I may be a prisoner of the moment but overcoming a 25 point lead after the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history was only 10 points is nothing short but amazing. You don’t even come back from that deficit even in Madden because you pass the sticks after being down 21. We can go on and on about the game but as time goes on the question you will ask yourself was where was I when this game was played.

Earlier that day, we were solidifying Super Bowl plans. I got a phone call from my big brother about the game and here was the conversation:

Brother: yoooooo

Me: yooooo

Brother: what it is?

Me: aint shit

Brother: just checkin in. in or out?

Me: I’m in

Brother: aight bet

Translation: What’s good yo? How are you and the kids? You already know the Super Bowl is going to be at my house? Are you coming?

So I’m at my brother’s house and the spread is out of this world. Shout out to Mike Miller for being the grill master. Shout out to Cook for making drinks, shout out to Wylie for opening up his house for this occasion. It was standing room only and nothing but profanity and jokes throughout the whole game. All types of side bets going on. Case in point, one guy wears his authentic Michael Vick jersey makes this bet:

“If falcons win you have to burn that autographed Bill Belichick hoodie and if the patriots win I will burn the jersey”

In my mind I was like what the fuck are you thinking. The Patriots are down 28-3 in the 3rd quarter and Matt Ryan is moving the ball. But like they say the game ain’t over until the clock strikes 0. Don’t give Tom Brady any additional time. Stick to the script but of course this is why you play the game-Chris Berman voice. First the Patriots scored to make it 28-9 and it stays there because Gostowski misses the extra point. Punt after punt turns into the execution of Atlanta’s chances to win the Super Bowl because Tom Brady ran 29 plays which resulted to 24 first downs. Tom Brady went Tom Brady while Matt Ryan went Matt Ryan. As Matt Ryan began to struggle, everybody starts to say and you think Matt Ryan is better than Joe Flacco. Leave it to some Baltimore niggas to mention Joe Flacco during the Super Bowl. Patriots kick a field goal and the whole time the crowd is going crazy.

One Patriots fan: “What the fuck Belichick. Go for it. It’s the Super bowl”

Another Patriots fan: “in Bill we trust”

Then the unthinkable happens. Patriots go for the onside kick and Atlanta recovers so you just knew the game was over; however, the Patriots stop them and they get the ball back. Then it’s 28-20. Then it’s 28-28. Are you kidding me-Reggie miller voice. This game which was declared over by everyone has this house going nuts and” I’m so happy to be here. This is the greatest day of my life”- African yo from coming to America voice. You can never bet against Tom Brady and dammit if he proved that statement correct with this game. Overtime begins and guess whaaaaaaaat. Tom Brady gets the ball and if he scores a touchdown this turns into the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Play after play first down after first down, Tom Brady is becoming closer to immortality. The grill is relighted because somebody shit is getting burnt tonight. People are furred and you can’t hear anything but loud noises and grunts. Then the toss play seen around the world as James White hits the corner and the referee puts both hands up to signal touchdown and pandemonium ensued. Everyone jumping up and down, all the Brady haters sitting in their seat slumped over like someone dope fiend leaning down Lexington Market and the rest is just in pure shock. Face it as a football fan this is the type of game you want to see all the time. Even if you don’t like Tom Brady you have to respect his gamesmanship and his clutch gene is on super saiyan.

Is Tom Brady the greatest player ever? Did New England wins this game or did Atlanta choke? What was Kyle Shanahan thinking? Should Brady retire? These were all the questions that we discussed as we parted ways with plates upon plates of food but before we left for the night we all went outside to see this Michael Vick burn. Sure being at the Super Bowl but being here at this moment can’t ever be replaced. 10, 15, 20 years down the line when the game is all futuristic us adults will be in our 50’s still talking about how this game was on and Tom Brady certified himself as the GOAT. What a time to be alive. So the question remains, where were you?

 

Super Bowl

Superbowl-party

48 hours from now there will be two teams vying for the right to be called NFL Champions for the 2016-2017. Will be it Tom Brady and the Patriots or Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons? Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. In a few days supermarkets will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. There will be some people that miss church or leave right after the sermon because once the TV comes on I am not moving. Everybody has that one guy in the crew that has the perfect house for these types of events because of the energy that it generates mixed with the crowd equals a good ass night. However, there are occasions when that person can’t host the event so this is where someone steps up to the occasion. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead  yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines.

Every time there is a social gathering you must govern yourself accordingly, but on Sunday the etiquette you must exhibit will rival any charm school that wasn’t on Vh1. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.

Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company

Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people this isn’t Real Housewives Sunday where you can just serve chips and tap water. First and foremost how you know I wanted people over my house Super Bowl Sunday. Some people don’t thrive under pressure and you don’t want to be remembered for having a whack Super Bowl party. How rude-michelle tanner voice

Rule 2: Clean your house

I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 3 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has old food stains and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it meaning it should be staged to make your guest feel at home not them holding their coats and looking at the walls to make sure no roaches come out.

Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests

If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.

Rule 4: If you don’t know shit then don’t say shit

Nothing worse than a grown man watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘did he hit a home run?’ Get your sassy ass out my house and take your Kenya Moore twirling ass that way. If you don’t know the game just be quiet and enjoy the game, commercials and the food. If you’re a woman and you know something about the game we salute you but don’t get cocky.

Rule 5: Have a plunger

Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:

Owner: who broke the toilet?

Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.

Rule 6: Don’t try new foods

I know Facebook be coming up with some ill ass snacks on the daily that people share every day. If you nice in the kitchen that’s one thing but trying to switch an ingredient and freak it into your own creation that’s a no-no (young MA voice).Nobody wants a pork chop cheese steak so just stick to the script we ain’t got the time or patience for your new delicacies that you wanna try. Leave that for your girls’ night sleepover.

Rule 7: Television

This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.

Rule 8: Be quiet during commercials

Listen on Sunday the different types of people that will be attendance at your house will vary to the passionate sports fan to the person that talks in Marshawn Lynch ( you know why I’m here). The one time where all people will be in unison will be watching commercials. People like the commercials. Social media lives for the commercials. Just admire their marketing strategy and patiently wait for the 3rd quarter.

Rule 9: Be careful who you invite

Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you inviting your pastor.

Rule 10: Have enough food

Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks  don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.

Bonus Rule: Dress Appropriately

More than likely you will be in the living room or basement of someone’s house watching the game so dress appropriately. You coming to the party in a short dress and high heels just isn’t becoming of you because for one you’re going to keep getting up and walking around because everyone has to see your outfit and two don’t be the girl looking like a hussy. You know the game and how it goes you trying to get chose and that’s cool but doing it on super bowl Sunday is not really cool. Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.