In a few hours the 2018-2019 season will have one more game to determine who will be crowned Super Bowl Champions? Will it be Tom Brady and the Patriots or Jared Goff and the Rams. Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. Supermarkets will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. Some people will watch church on line so they don’t have to leave the house at all. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.
Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company
Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people not a House Party where you can just serve chips and tap water. Make sure you prepare even if that means getting a cleaning Groupon or even send out an evite.
Rule 2: Clean your house
I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 4 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has grease spots from all the chicken you fried this year and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it. Make your guest feel at home.
Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests
If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.
Rule 4: Location of TV
Nothing worse than a grown men watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘which team is which’ They are asking because you have the equivalent of a lap dog as a TV. Also, if you wanna host a superbowl make sure you get the 2019 version of the Hoshi Toshi. One more thing, if your biggest TV is in your bedroom then this aint the party unless you want a bunch of men in your room and if that’s the case then you need the black casting couch and a camera.
Rule 5: Have a plunger
Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:
Owner: who broke the toilet?
Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.
Rule 6: Television
This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.
Rule 7: Take cues from the owner
I know it’s the Super Bowl but it’s a sunday night and a lot of us have to get up in the morning to go to work. We ain’t 21 no more. Our bodies need adequate rest or you will turn into a snickers bar commercial.
If the owner in the 4th quarter hit you either of these questions:
“ay yo what you about to do” or “what you doing after you leave here”, then this is a clear cut sign to start planning the exit from their house.
Rule 8: Be careful who you invite
Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you should be inviting your pastor.
Rule 9: Have enough food
Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.
Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.