When I was growing up I would go a vacation once every 2 years because moms had to budget the money and back then those trips were expensive. There was no Priceline or Express Deals for hotels and you had to order take out 3 times a day because the hotel didn’t have refrigerator but if it did I know my mother would have made 20 sandwiches and buy Tahiti Treat for our drink. I appreciate those trips because it got me out of Baltimore for a few days and see other parts of the United States (I’m going to make it out the country one day sooner than I think because my wife keep saying Sonny you better take my ass out the country). Now that I have my own family I want to create those memories for my kids as well but it wouldn’t be a vacation without some fuck ups from your boy Sonny Brasco.
I must admit sometime I act like Clark Griswold with these family vacations. My intentions are as pure as Mother Mary but my execution be stinkin for real. It’s like with every decision I’m yelling ‘Omaha’ to myself and then I switch shit up without telling nobody then everybody looking at me like what the hell is that boy Sonny doing now. With me marrying my wife I acquired a new family from Buffalo, New York and they got a big family. All of them around the same age all had kids around the same time so it’s only right that we vacation with them. It’s always laughs mixed with this that bullshit dammit man but it’s all worth it at the end.
Shout out to my cousin Krissy for coming up with this vacation idea to Splash Lagoon an indoor water park in Erie, PA. See we got a lot of birthdays in May so why not get all of them together and have a good time. She found a great deal and knowing me I was in Julius from Everybody Hates Chris mode and when I saw the deal she got for us I was ‘my man’-Denzel Washington from American Gangster voice. As soon as my wife booked the room she said ‘Sonny you better not pull no nigga shit and wear hooping shorts in the water get you some swim trunks but I’m squeezing my ass in a bathing suit’. See I never felt comfortable in swim trunks I don’t like that mesh feeling and when I get out the water they aren’t bunched up all over the place. When I was younger I wore a pair of green swim trunks and I got out of the water and they said ‘look at that fat kid looking like a bunch of grapes’ It crushed my ego and I remember telling myself I would never go swimming again. Glad I broke that dumb ass habit. Fast forward to 2016 and I buy some swim trunks and Quianna buys a swimsuit with a cover up and she kept saying ‘Yaaasss Hunty I’m serving for the Gods because I’m taking over for the 99-2000 in this bitch’ It’s always good to see your wife feeling at her best especially when society views big women in such a negative light with respect to looks and don’t even mention that Lane Bryant model because she aint even big for real at least not in my mind she not. She’s excited my kids are excited everybody excited so let’s get some sleep and get ready to go.
Friday night I pack the car up with all the bags and in the morning we out here. Grayson family and my mother in law about to tackle Erie, PA but I had an eerie feeling about this trip (see what I did there). First things first we all overslept. Quianna modeling her swimsuit and cover up all over the house looking at every full length mirror like it’s the prom and I’m like man if you don’t go to bed and give me that swimsuit. We driving through the mountains of PA and the police are everywhere but we cruising then the kids get hungry. Reid in the back yelling ‘daddy nuggets and fries please’. Morgan says ‘yea daddy and some juice’ and Hannah like ‘row row your boat B I N GO twinkle twinkle little star shoo fly dont bother me’. It’s a mad house and then the directions takes us everywhere but the Burger King and then we get to Burger King, I see an Amish Family driving a Suburban and a white kid yells mommy look and he pointed at me like he never saw a black person before. After looking around I think that kid might have seen a black person for the first time that day and seeing a 6 foot 300 pound man was probably not the first image he wanted to see. He probably thought I was the mountain from Game of Thrones. So despite all the direction mishaps and the kids always wanting something we finally made it to Erie, PA.
So I’m unloading the car I see all the bags but the bag that had me and Quianna’s swimsuit. In my mind all I can think of was that Drake and Lil Wayne song when Wayne opens his verse up with “ooh shit motherfuck God damn Quianna gonna kick me out the hotel like Pam” Dammit yo, I left the bag at home. We drove almost 6 hours and I left the bathing suit home SMH. Now I’m in a daze like Amir Khan after that Canelo punch. I’m forced to do the nigga shit and wear hooping shorts but now Quianna is stuck with nothing. Oh the agony. Can’t front I was shook because when my wife get mad good grief. She transforms into a monster that only the Power Rangers can defeat. She is leaning on me and I got to take it on the chin like a Mike Tyson punch in the 80’s. I had to eat this like Lucious and all that cake his mother fixed him last week. (Sidebar: Is it me or did they pull an Aunt Viv on Lucious mother). I’m mad at myself for forgetting not only my stuff but hers as well. See we were about to conquer our fears for the sake of our children and now we are back to square one. So I’m like let me think quickly on my feet and come up with something. Boom, I got it tell her go to Wal-Mart. When I mentioned that she said, “I aint going nowhere. I can’t believe you left my stuff dammit Sonny’. About 15 minutes later she was like Sonny I know you’re upset and I forgive you but I got an idea…I’mma go to Wal-Mart. In my mind I was like didn’t I just say that same shit 15 minutes ago ol’ Pootie Tang repeating ass but it was just the devil trying to bait me into another argument but guess what…not today homie. She goes to Wal-Mart and finds a bathing suit and then it was like a celebrity walked in the room and then the beat drops and the hook was “quianna grayson taking over for the 99-2000”
I must admit the year 2016 is the year of the belly because everybody I saw had a gut and they aint gives no fucks. White dudes had their chest hair all out looking like a Donald Trump toupee’. It was like it was a sumo wrestlers convention so I’m like fuck it when it Rome. Kids are worn out mad pictures were taken and we as parents just sat back and was ‘Job well done’ but when I said that Quianna was like ‘not yet Sonny too soon my man too soon’. This brief vacation was just what the doctor ordered and now back to the real world so I can plan another one.