The alarm goes off. I hit the snooze button about 3 times so about 30 minutes past and then I realize what today is…It’s the day I’m getting married. See I was home alone the night before because my wife to be went to the hotel and spent time with her family and her girls before the big day. Let’s backtrack the boy Sonny B is getting married. That’s the second shock. The first shock was having a kid out of wedlock when I was deemed by my friends the last one to have kids and get married but yet I’m second. If that aint God slapping his knee saying ‘dis earthling Sonny B is in for a shock for his life angels send him Quianna’
Mad shit was going on that day. First trying to get 7 black men together to meet at 10 am for a 6 pm wedding was a task all in itself. But there was a method to my madness. See I knew someone would be late but if we taking pictures before the ceremony we needed to meet up early. Speaking of madness, March madness was in full bloom so we meet up at my grandma house to get dressed. I’m as nervous as a black man getting pulled over…it doesn’t take me much to sweat shit I sweat in the winter time so to keep the collar of a white shirt clean was going to be harder than predicting the weather. I received a couple phone calls before I got there like you sure you wanna do this Sonny B. I will never forget that convo:
Homie: ‘Sonny you sure you wanna do this look at all that pussy you giving up”
Me: ‘Man unless I’m fuckin ya bitch next then I’m straight with ya dumb ass” (for the record we talk like this on the regular so there was no shade)
Homie: “don’t do it reconsider…read some litera…ture on the subject… you sure”
Me: “fuck it”
Homie: “you gonna have some jawns at the reception tho right and open bar and buffet right cuz you a fat boy so you know you gonna be hungry you ol cedric the entertainer lookin ass”
Me: “man you lavell Crawford neck having ass mothafucka you just better be on time”
If this is the tone of the day then shit will be awesome baby with a capital A(dick vitale voice). Well I arrive to my grandma house around 10 and I was just watching TV passing time as the single man known as Sonny B is about to transform into a married man. As the groomsmen began to arrive things were getting real. So I ask my cousin for something to drink and he pulls out 2 Ciroc bottles. Then my man pulls out a duffel bag with 4 more bottles and some orange and at the moment I knew it was gonna be a good ass day.
Instead of getting dressed we drinking and watching march madness. I said we should eat something so we ain’t furred for the pictures or at the church because my mom was one the pastors marrying us and I know she wasn’t having that shit. So my best man comes up with the bright idea of being greasy ass pizza from Mondawin Mall for us to eat. I can’t make this shit up if I did I would be a screenwriter who still wouldn’t get nominated for an Oscar. We looking like babies with these bounty paper towel bib so there is no grease on these rented tuxedos. It felt like the marriage scene from ‘The Wood’ movie because all of this happens in about 2 hours. So we taking shots watching basketball then we begin to get dressed.
Of course all the clothes were wrinkled so we drinking liquor niggas sweating then you got the hot ass iron on so I look like an offensive lineman leaving football practice. To circumvent the sweating I had 2 washcloths one for each hand and we began to get ready. We go to our cars and then this was said… ‘Hey sonny I have to make a stop first’. In my mind I was thinking aww shit let the shenanigans begin but since I was already furred by noon fuck it let the good times roll. It’s bad enough one of my groomsmen was meeting us at the pickup spot because he had a dentist appointment but to make matters worse he decides to go and get dressed in the hallway of the reception. We’re talking a hallway not a bathroom but a hallway (Allen Iverson voice).
We all link up at the reception spot to drop our cars off because we all knew we was going to be fucked up so it’s no point risking that drive over west from the other side of town. Anyway we are waiting for everyone when my man pulls up with some fabric and some fabric scissors and in the parking lot made some pocket squares. Man this is something else only me right but this is why we do shit like this to create memories.
The next step was to get on the party bus and meet up with the women so we can take the pictures while it’s still daylight and then go to the church for the actual ceremony. We all dressed up so are the ladies and damn my wife to be was looking amazing. We on the bus we drinking listening to rap getting lit before the pictures maybe too lit for some because a couple of us was gutted before we got to the picture spot. We pull up the excitement is building up and like I said earlier a couple of us were too lit to function niggaz was gutted on the bus and my wife to be is looking at me like ‘nigga you know we aint say I do let don’t fuck this up’. We shake it off and then the fellas take their pictures first then it was the ladies. Before we get to the ladies two of my groomsmen need to piss you thinking TMI right. But we in downtown Baltimore so you would think there’s a public restroom not for these niggaz so they decided to piss on a tree in front of a museum like nothing is wrong. Talk about the old saying, ‘can’t take you niggaz nowhere’. Oh well we shake that off and finish the pictures now it’s the ladies turn. As the ladies were taking their pictures all I kept hearing was, ‘yo a nigga hungry fa real…where can I get a sandwich in this motherfucka… drunk nigga in full affect’. We downtown so I’m thinking it’s a homeless dude or an actual drunk nigga looking for a sandwich I aint think it was one of my groomsmen. I’m like yo it aint 3 o’clock and yo fried that like for real this is going to be insanity. So what you think happened…you guessed it my man went to the store to get a sandwich.
Now it’s time to take group pictures and we like yo someone is missing and that’s when it hit me son like this dude really left for the sandwich and we sitting around waiting for like 5 minutes but when your jawn is mad at you 5 minutes seem like a church service with the long winded preacher.
Everybody looking and yelling at me and I’m like ‘yo a grown ass man dawg but if he bring you back a sandwich are yall still bitching’. Their response ‘hell no because we hungry as fuck too’. He come back all refreshed and rejuvenated like he just had a Gatorade and ready to roll and I’m like ‘yo you frying me out here got all these people yelling at me and shit’. His response was ‘hey sonny you want me drunk and belligerent or sober and calm as a matter of fact take a bite out of this sandwich because you look hungry anyway’. We finish the pictures head to the church on schedule surprisingly and the countdown is getting realer. It was only right to take one more shot of henny in the choir room but two of my friends were dumb enough to take a red cup in the sanctuary.
Are you kidding me (reggie miller voice) and what made it worse was that the pastor says if I smell liquor then I won’t marry you so I’m like shit what are we going to do then my best man came through in the clutch like a working transmission on a car and passed out mints to everybody. Man you are the MVP and your jersey goes up to the rafters. After a mint check the pastor says these last words: “are you ready”… then the beat drops and on to the day my life changes forever.
I was still nervous but it wasn’t until I see all the bridesmaids walking down the aisle crying then it became real. I can’t front I was shook for a second because when my wife came down the aisle she broke down crying not just a normal cry but an ugly cry and I thought ‘oh no please don’t have a whitley gilbert from different world moment and change your mind on me’ But my daughter Morgan went up the aisle and grabbed her hand and we met one last time as single man and woman and then the preacher began the ceremony that united us as one.