48 hours from now, Morgan State University and Northwood Shopping Center will be lit from the crack of dawn to the sun goes down and then kick into overdrive as the stars light up the sky. Fliers have been hitting the internet for weeks. The only event that can cause this much havoc yet re-create such memories is homecoming. Morgan State University’s homecoming is this Saturday and now that’s it’s a National Treasure it’s about to be as black as me, all of What’s Up African? Apparel, Michael Blackson, Shannon Sharpe and Gabby Sidibe all in one room. It’s gonna be filled with weed, mild’s and that hen dawg. So, before you get your hair done, haircut, grab a nice outfit, or go to a MUA girl, there are some rules that you have to follow in order to make your homecoming successful. It only takes one to mess it up for everybody.
Rule 1: Find your kids a sitter expeditiously-Joe Clarke voice
Parenthood aint for the faint of heart so that’s why Homecoming should be the day that you have the right to participate in debauchery and do hood rat things with your friends. If it was up to me none of my kids are coming to Homecoming until they go to Morgan State themselves but we all know that shit aint happening. For those that are pregnant, please use precaution and if necessary create a force field to protect that young king/queen that’s about to enter the world. Just know bringing your kid especially if it’s a toddler/newborn will automatically turn your homecoming into an outside version of Chuck E. Cheese. Learn from my mistake. I remember taking Morgan to homecoming when she was in an infant. What was I thinking? First things first pushing a stroller with a baby bag and my lady’s purse was chaotic. Your kid is overstimulated, scared, filled with anxiety and they looking to you for help while you looking for a plate. Morgan was in a backward facing stroller so as I want a shot of yak, she want some breast milk, a diaper change and a new outfit because you know she messed up that outfit that we had to have from Macy’s but luckily for my wallet, I got it during their one day sale at 30 percent off. They can come to the parade and all that but once kickoff starts they are at their designated location. To avoid any let down just line up that babysitter now or face the consequences. Babysitters will be the hottest thing on the street since Bodak Yellow came out.
Rule 2: Know your body
Listen here and listen good if you know on a normal Saturday you have on your robe, bonnet, slippers with the bunny on it eating Halo Top ice cream and watching re-runs of Fix my Life by 10 pm, please know your body will not be ready for a homecoming made for a national treasure like Morgan State University. You should have started your homecoming prep about a month ago. Go for a walk, go to bed later do whatever you have to do because once the sun goes down Friday night you may be up until Sunday night just to watch New Psalmist on Demand so you begin your quest for salvation on Monday.
Rule 3: Drink Responsibly
If Mo Wilson, Sammie or both have anything to do with Homecoming or any event this weekend please govern yourself accordingly because they will have you looking like Groove from House Party and many of us are too big to being helped to their car. Whether you are at a tailgate or at Northwood just know those red cups and your vital organs are having a hell in the cell match. Your organs will go as hard as Leonidas in 300 but after that last Long Island Ice Tea or that French Connection your whole body turns into Weekend at Bernie’s. It’s nothing but red cups, double red cups, Faygo bottles and other types of bottles in every one’s hand at homecoming and guess what it’s all liquor in those cups. Hopefully you got the eVite from Sammie but if not oh well. Please know your liquor tolerance. We are too old to be rumbling, fumbling, mumbling and stumbling (Chris Berman voice). Nothing wrong with a little shot of Henny quite frankly I turn into Henny G with my melodic voice and the words that spew from it. I know some ladies are laughing at that but I’ve bagged plenty off that Henny.
Rule 4: Know the temperature
We got weather apps, Alexa, Echo Dot, Siri, Channel 101 if you have Xfinity and other gadgets that can assist you on your clothing options on Saturday. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. If it’s 50 degrees, maybe Uggs boots are the correct selection but it’s 79 and sunny, I request that you don’t wear those. As of now the weather is calling for AM showers but 78 degrees with 80 percent humidity. In other words it could be Freaknik this Saturday at Morgan State University.
A few of my brothers, Farid Keys and Ant said it best:
Farid: 80 and rain…TUH! Folk gone think they in Miami. Girls gone be in bikinis/one pieces (don’t play yourself) and jean shorts (but the key phrase in that whole statement is don’t play yourself).
Ant: Miami weather in Baltimore mid-October sounds like love.
As always, be smart before you have toilet paper in your nostrils trying to hold the snot from falling down your face ol’ Roscoe for Martin looking ass nukka.
Rule 5: Don’t reinvent yourself
I’m all here for the rebirth in everyone’s life but under no circumstance come to homecoming thinking you are better than anybody. People don’t forget shit. We remember all the fights, the falls going up and down those old Student center steps so don’t act like Stephon Urkel when you were really Steve. I’m not saying that Morgan defines you but that holier than thou approach after college will get you roasted faster than those ribs on the grill. Another thing do not let the temptation get the best of you. If you married before homecoming you want to stay married after homecoming. Don’t let a homecoming hook up ruin your life. If you are going to indulge in sexual relations please wear an all body condom because you don’t want to end up on 1515 North Avenue on Monday morning. Fellas please don’t end up on alimony and child support payments because you slid in a DM that ended up in a group chat which then starts a conversations like:
Woman 1: With all due respect I know you don’t know me but I think you should know what ya man is doing
Woman 2: you can have that nigga
Ladies, you aren’t immune to this rule. Don’t get caught up and right when you about to get some it’s two dudes at the door with a dick. So what you gonna do for the dick, cause dude brought the other dude with a dick. Are you about to choo-choo for the dick, ask how he knows you for the dick. Don’t get caught in this predicament.
Get your hug (a future rule), maybe kiss on the cheek, have a laugh or two and get low.
Rule 6: Know your wallet
Before every homecoming you have to make adult decisions such as which bill am I going to pay, which one I am going to let slide until the following week. Am I eating Top Ramen for the week just to save up for a party? Will Netta have those Sunny’s coupons because the Lord knows what I want and I know HE answer prayers. Look every promoter in the world will have a party starting Monday and ending with a brunch on Sunday so for this one week you have to become an accountant and figure out what is your top priority. To be honest you probably can’t afford it all and that’s ok because you are now a responsible adult and moderation is key.
Rule 7: Be comfortable
It is going to be a long day so wearing something tight might not be the best idea. Fellas, if you built like Rick Ross before he lost weight and you can’t afford his type of clothing then certain designers might not be the move for you and that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with a shirt for Destination XL, Casual Male, Big and Tall section of any department store. Shit, if you wanna be fly get an exclusive T shirt and just freak it. I know bellies, beards and baldies are in style but it’s all in the presentation. Know your limits. Biggie Smalls, forefather of the Big and black is back attack made a profound statement; “I’m big black and ugly however I stay Coogi down to the socks”. If you don’t prepare properly you won’t make it to the however part. Use his words as a motivational tactic and flourish like a PowerPoint presentation during Finals week. Now go win this for Biggie, Fat Luther, Gerald Levert, Cedric the Entertainer and all other big boy trendsetters. Ladies we love when you exude confidence but there is a difference between confidence and “oh no baby what is you doing”. If you get confused for the aunt of the Jamie Foxx show certain looks may not suit you well. There is nothing wrong using your Haute Cash, Real Women Dollars, Ashley Stewart deals or Fashion Figure coupons to look like a million bucks. Don’t forget your MAC, Sephora or Fenty products to make the look complete. Another item up for discussion is shoes; if the length of your heels is on elderly usher level just wear some flats. If you know you walk like a baby calf fresh out of the womb please don’t pick Homecoming to wear heels and dammit if I see you in a pair of those one dollar Old Navy sandals or slippers with the fur on them I’m going to step on your foot with my construction boots. Get that dumb shit outta here. Your old ass knows better than that. Embrace your sex appeal.
Rule 8: You’re at the party now what
You’ve paid your money. You got your drink and you scoping the scene looking at potential targets and all that shit but make sure you have a good time. Fellas, if you know you don’t have the leg strength stop trying to pick a jawn up off the ground. If you haven’t learned anything look at the Facebook post where the Que flipped the girl over like it was WrestleMania. We are too old and brittle and women are looking too fine to be tossed like a sack of potatoes. Refer to rule 2 because if you know after you do the Milly rock you slip a disc in your back just resort to the 2 step. Alert your body now because the DJ is going to play a Philly set, some Dipset, some NYC shit, classic Go-go, classic Baltimore club and that reggae will make you need a back brace and some Icy Hot. Don’t go to the Sunday Brunch smelling like Ben-Gay because you went in the DeLorean and took yourself back to 2001. Ladies, if you know after a night of dancing you gonna need to get the Myra treatment on your feet with the sandblaster because your bunions grew out of control, trying to take over for the 99-2000 may not be the best move for you. Do the pocket knife and sip slow and let the party come to you.
Rule 9: Breast to Chest
Some rules will never change and getting breast to chest hugs is one of them. Listen it’s homecoming weekend. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. Homecoming is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Weak hugs will be met with a prompt response: Do you want to fight me? Yes box, No box, Maybe box. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Your hug should be like when Whitley Gilbert hugged Dwayne after she left Byron at the altar. Tread lightly during the hug thought because if you get a hard on like Mike did Alicia in the Wood that could turn homecoming into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight. Either way, homecoming is your opportunity to become the Old Spice guy.
Rule 10: Leave that gangsta shit at the door
“yall go to parties to ice grill/ I go to parties to party with nice girls
you young boys gotta chill/30’s the new 20 nigga, I’m so hot still”- Jay-Z
“Analyze it for yourself, do the analogy/ that jealousy just might lead to a fatality”- Jadakiss
Men don’t be at Homecoming ice grilling everybody you see. I’m just here trying to party and get breast to chest hugs from nice girls and have them smell that new Scentbird on my neck and ask what scent that is so they can get you some so you can stop using that Axe body wash your 30 plus old ass is using. Picture this: Thousands of people. Melanin is poppin like old school popcorn on the oven and skin is just glistening like fried chicken out of a Stoko’s pan and you want to get belligerent and fight. How stupid can you be? Ladies and fellas are out here for the picking and you want to be that nigga. Choose your battles wisely because starting a fight is one thing but being the instigator and getting your ass whipped in front of all those people is the end of your Morgan State career. After further review, it has been determined that Morgan homecoming was the real reason that Jesus wept because He was just so happy at all the creations bestowed on this planet Earth and how fine they look. Don’t ruin it. Get rapture ready if you gonna be that jawn.
Last but not least: Bricks
So Morgan decided to show its whole ass like a vintage Prince outfit. First they are building new buildings quicker than Usain Bolt doing the 100 meter dash. Then they buy Northwood Shopping Center. If that wasn’t enough they have a sign stating “Where Blacks lives always mattered” Hold up wait a minute y’all thought they was finished. They were deemed a National Treasure and to top it all off they decide to create bricks leading up to Frederick Douglass. Are you serious-Dick Vitale voice? When I first heard this all I can do is act like I was in School Daze and say “awwwwwwwwwww shit.” Kudos to Morgan State for their creativity but please don’t use this as a means of getting the box. I can see a conversation like this occurring:
Boy: what you mean I don’t make our relationship public
Girl: I mean you ain’t make me your WCW
Boy: that’s because I put you on a brick
Girl: oh baby
Boy: taps head three times “can’t be on a brick if I didn’t attend the school”
Please be careful and be mindful who you put on a brick because if you are not careful you will be at Home Depot looking for red tape, a chisel or some concrete mix. Putting a woman on a brick may not get you that ass-Calvin from paid in full voice. As a matter of fact it will make you look like an ass especially if you picked the wrong one.
“I know you ain’t a pimp, but pimp, remember what I taught ya/ Keep your heart Three Stacks, keep your heart/ Hey, keep your heart Three Stacks, keep your heart/ Man, these girls is smart, Three Stacks, these girls is smart/ Play your part… play your part”
Bonus Rule: Let the Greeks prosper
Let’s keep it a bean for one more moment please. There is a particular time after the game in which Greeks will participate in their homecoming ritual. Let them Greeks prosper man. Don’t be talking about how you could have been one but didn’t because your GPA was 1.6 and you thought taking 8 summer classes would bring it up to a 2.5. If you not Greek bringing up certain shit ain’t the move. For example don’t say ‘where the gay yo that tried to get AI snatched a few years back’ or ‘Did you hear one of those NUPES taped Frederick Douglas cane before Homecoming how disgraceful’ and finally ‘Son where is that Sigma yo that was running for Mr. Morgan and danced in that Blue Leotard’. Let us have our moment man.
I know there are more rules but this should be enough to get you through another MSU Homecoming. Stay Classy, Morganites.