Long live the Cookout

cookout

Let’s be real Mother Nature has been acting like a schizophrenic all year long. One minute it’s do the right thing riot weather and Sal’s pizzeria is in trouble and in the same week we in the streets with the deuce deuce and the bubble goose. Recently, the weather has begun to reflect what it should be doing but if it fucks up again, blame Trump. We need to cherish these days ahead and what better way to do this then Cookout Season. Cookout Season is a great way to get people together that you love in one room over grilled food and liquor. To be honest getting invited to a cookout is like a wedding reception because everybody can’t make the cut and with social media being so relevant there is always someone salty that they weren’t there. If you post a pic and the comment is, “looks like fun at your little cookout”, just know that person is being showered in Lawry’s season salt. The scene itself is like the Sistine Chapel painting with the manicured grass, ladies looking like golden fried chicken all scrumptious and shit, while the fellas getting fresh cuts just to end up in someone’s backyard. Gotta love it.  With every season there are certain code of conduct that must be utilized at all times. Whether you’re at your own house or at the Squad Life Cookout coming up July 1st, you must adhere to the code of conduct.

  1. Inviting the whole neighborhood without telling the chef.

We all love cookout food. I get that but if my budget is for 20 people and you invited 20 people by yourself we gonna be in some shit which means people fighting for food like Doughboy from Boyz n the Hood came home because ‘bitches gotta eat too’ Out of respect you gotta ask the host before you make a move like this

  1. Make sure the cookout is kid friendly

I’m for the kids. Wu-Tang is for the kids. Trix are for the kids but cookouts may not be. Please communicate with the host and make sure kids are invited. The house may not be kid friendly so don’t add any additional risk because the last thing you want is your kid breaking the butt statue sitting on the TV stand. Quite frankly I’m trying to get furred so I don’t wanna be worried about no kids anyway so pass me the Henny.

  1. Complain about the selection of food and drink

First and foremost be thankful that you were invited to break bread with each other. The last thing you can do is complain especially if you didn’t bring anything but your appetite and a jawn because you didn’t have enough money to feed him/her yourself. When invited you should ask if they need anything and if they say no that’s one thing but if they say bring something then bring something.

If the cookout has crabs and you didn’t put in on those crabs keep your crabby patty hands away from the crabs unless you received an evite that you can eat the crabs

Sidebar: in the event the host asks you to bring something but you are financially destitute are you upfront with the host or do you not show up at all.

  1. Know your limits

Save yourself the embarrassment of running through someone’s yard holding your butt because your digestive system failed you or being stretched on the grass because you too drunk. Remember Groove from House Party…you know the brother in the suit. Don’t be that guy. Also don’t be that guy who Play was looking for when the toilet broke. You don’t want to remembered as the kid that can shit some bricks.

  1. Turning the party into your mixtape release party

I’m all for local artists getting a chance to make it out here but you just can’t force that. Now if the crowd request your tape then that’s awesome baby with a capital A. However, if that’s not the case don’t bombard the iDeck with Track 4.

  1. Cooking food knowing that ain’t your ministry

We know that some people have the gift of cooking and some don’t and that’s ok, you are still the product of the Almighty and you will be blessed. Bringing a dish knowing your ass doesn’t cook is a no-no. Nobody wants to try blueberry mac and cheese. Technical foul

7. Clean House

If you got a dirty house please clean that shit up before we come over. I don’t want to think that I drop a chocolate chip when it’s really a mouse dropping. (Look they were here before us but that doesn’t mean we have to see them)

  1. GTH (get the hug…dawg)

Listen it’s a cookout. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. A cookout is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Axe body but I don’t know your budget. Get the hug dawg-Tommy Ford voice. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, a cookout is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

  1. Dress accordingly

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. We have to appreciate the appearance of the black woman because when they dress up good Lord. Recent historians have determined that the black woman was the real reason that ‘Jesus wept’. They look like Ms. Parker, Damita, Sidney, Yvette, Claire Huxtable or Keisha. “Now Keisha was a bad motherfucker…tall, darkskin, some big ass tits looking like a ghetto Naomi Campbell” Just make sure you dress accordingly because you don’t want to be at the cookout walking like a newborn animal.

  1. Biggie said it first: this rule is so underrated/ Keep your family and business completely separated/Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch/Find yourself in serious shit

 

Translation: Bringing your white or co-worker that isn’t the same race as you to all black cookout could have disastrous results. Just because he’s cool like Bill Maher don’t mean he can say nigga like Bill Maher.

  1. Know the game

At some point during the cookout, someone is going to want to play Spades, UNO, Tonk, Taboo, Dominoes and the list goes on and on. If you don’t know to play those games ahead of time please don’t wait until this day to learn especially if there is money on the line. If you can’t beat the computer in Spades what makes you think you gonna beat a real person. Playing Spades at a cookout can turn into a Las Vegas Casino or Las Vegas after an event (ask Pac and Biggie).

 

 

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