24 hours from now we will gathered over the table giving many thanks to the cooks for another festive Thanksgiving. Whether you travel by plane, train, bus or automobile families from across the globe will come together to eat a meal, watch football, crack jokes and create memories that could last a lifetime. You want this event to be successful so here are some key points you must follow or your Thanksgiving can turn into an episode of Jerry Springer. As always govern yourself accordingly.
Rule 1: Uninvited
I know this is a time to be thankful for everything especially if you have food, water, shelter and clothing but if you must notify the host if you are bringing someone especially if they aren’t family. I can understand surprising family especially if you from out of town but going to grandma house and you bring Fe-Fe that only drink Fiji water and eats off the finest of China you stay her simple ass home. Ladies this goes for you as well don’t be bringing Bruh man from the 5th floor knowing he couldn’t all the food up, take a shit and move on to the next house. Have some couth.
Rule 2: Kids menu vs adult menu
Depending on the age of the child, your children will be very picky on any occasion so thinking Thanksgiving would be different in a stupid assumption. There is always an exception to the rule. For example, I do have a cousin who is about 8 that has the palette of a 40 year construction worker but for all the other kids just go with the basics. For example, kids you will not get the mac and cheese that contain Vermont, cheddar, Monterrey jack and imported cheeses from Wisconsin. You will get the Kraft family dinner box and you will like it. If you know your kids not eating the adult food please make sure you provide food for them.
Rule 3: Know the Cooks
Thanksgiving is a very important meal. There are people who have been planning their next Thanksgiving since November 25 of last year so please don’t disappoint. You must know all the cooks that are preparing the food. For example, if her arm fat doesn’t have the shape of an uppercase U then she can’t make the Mac and cheese. You need to see women in moo-moo’s with a bonnet and some slippers listening to the best of Shirley Caesar as she prepares to make beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lambs, rams, hogs, chicken, turkey, rabbit (you name it). Listen here and listen well if your sweet potato pies are so dark they look like pumpkin pies, go sit down and watch the game for this is not your ministry. Get that pumpkin pie all the way outta here. I want my sweet potato pie to be light and sweet enough to cause blood sugar to spike up expeditiously. In my family we call this ‘nigger pies’. I’m all for lifestyle changes but don’t you show up to a house of carnivores with a tofu turkey or baked vegan mac and cheese. I know somebody will like it but just not this household. Please have King Hawaiian Rolls, that’s all I have to say about that-Forrest Gump voice.
Rule 4: Dress comfortable
You are going to consume a lot of food in the next 4-5 days so dress comfortable. Nothing worse than seeing that button fighting for their life because you ate so much food and now you are about to pop literally. Not to mention you are going to someone’s house why are you dressing like you are going to the club wearing heels and all that knowing grandma makes you take your shoes off as soon as you walk in the door. You aint getting chose on Thanksgiving Day so ladies wear your leggings and oversized sweater. Fellas, you aren’t exempt for this rule either. Your auntie doesn’t want to see you in jeans that she can probably fit and a snug ass shirt. So take your Walmart version of Nino Brown and sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change.
Rule 5: Bringing the boo to Thanksgiving dinner
This is a tricky situation because it’s nothing like bringing a new person to the place where it all began. As always govern yourself accordingly and please brief the family as well as the new boo before they come. Walking in blind to a family situation can be very awkward especially if they come from 2 different worlds. Case in point, fellas please let your girl know about the touchy-feely uncle that wears a du-rag and calls her buttercup or suga pie from the break. This uncle is the one talking like a pimp from a 70’s movie and mentions how he takes Viagra every day. Keep her away from that nigga. Also, if there are family members with any mental issues or something like Alzheimer’s please let me know. I forgot to tell my wife that the first time she met my grandmother and she talked to her for 2 hours straight and kept saying how Leonard Thompson was a low down snake in the grass. For the record, Leonard Thompson has been deceased since 96 but since he hasn’t come home yet she thought he was out here cheating. RIP Grandma. Ladies, if you know you have overprotective family members or known killers in your family please let ya man know upfront. Of course, they will test him anyway and this is a chance to see what he is made of but give him fair warning. For example, when I met my wife family for the first time, her cousin took me on a drive through all the projects as a scare tactic but I made out fine after I told him you being followed by somebody so we got low. Now her aunts on the other hand are a different story. I met her aunt and she said to me:
Auntie: have you seen Meet the Fockers
Me: yeah that’s a funny movie fa real
Auntie: well we meet the fuckers.
Game. Set. Match
Rule 6: When is the right time to eat dinner?
For most of us we will starve ourselves thanksgiving so we can make room for the Shirley Caesar platter, but when is the right time to eat dinner. Normally, we eat after the first football game is over which would be around 4 or so. I’ve been places where they ate as early as 1 but that wasn’t effective for me because I was hungry again around 6 so that’s a no go. I have also been places where dinner didn’t start until 6 and I went Tasmanian devil on that food. I think I got banned that night because I haven’t been invited since. It’s case by case scenario but what too long and you got a hunger headaches but you looked at WebMD and they said you having an aneurysm.
Rule 7: Liquor
At some point in the night you will indulge in an adult beverage that will get you feeling right. I’m talking the Bruce Leroy glow type of right. I’m MJ at a game 6 type of feel and if you lucky you might be smiling like Mike Jack did at the end of Thriller. But if you one of those people that wanna bring Mad Dog 20/20, Wild Irish Rose or some cheap ass vodka and think you gonna drink up all the Henny or Dusse you got another thing coming. Keep that bad energy with you while we sip on that hen dawg. Have some decorum young man. You are a lost soul and we will pray for you but you can’t drink with us. Seats taken.
Rule 8: Family Feud
I know Hov said nobody wins when the family feud; but we all have that family member that just wants to stir up another batch of shit flavored Kool-Aid. This is the one that has nothing nice to say at all but always needs your help because their lights are about to get cut off. Don’t be that nigga. Sometimes it is good to get the tension out in the atmosphere instead of keeping it in but if you the Cousin Faith of the family then you may want to sit this Thanksgiving out. If you like Gator and you want mama to put cash in my hand just watch out for the Good ol Reverend Doctor. Arguments happen but contain it so it doesn’t ruin the Thanksgiving vibe especially if kids are around. Settle it over some Monopoly, spades, or something else but don’t turn this holiday into a nightmare. Please have fun and thank the Lord for all your blessings as they continuously overflow and have a good day and evening.