Long live the Cookout

cookout

Let’s be real Mother Nature has been acting like a schizophrenic all year long. One minute it’s do the right thing riot weather and Sal’s pizzeria is in trouble and in the same week we in the streets with the deuce deuce and the bubble goose. Recently, the weather has begun to reflect what it should be doing but if it fucks up again, blame Trump. We need to cherish these days ahead and what better way to do this then Cookout Season. Cookout Season is a great way to get people together that you love in one room over grilled food and liquor. To be honest getting invited to a cookout is like a wedding reception because everybody can’t make the cut and with social media being so relevant there is always someone salty that they weren’t there. If you post a pic and the comment is, “looks like fun at your little cookout”, just know that person is being showered in Lawry’s season salt. The scene itself is like the Sistine Chapel painting with the manicured grass, ladies looking like golden fried chicken all scrumptious and shit, while the fellas getting fresh cuts just to end up in someone’s backyard. Gotta love it.  With every season there are certain code of conduct that must be utilized at all times. Whether you’re at your own house or at the Squad Life Cookout coming up July 1st, you must adhere to the code of conduct.

  1. Inviting the whole neighborhood without telling the chef.

We all love cookout food. I get that but if my budget is for 20 people and you invited 20 people by yourself we gonna be in some shit which means people fighting for food like Doughboy from Boyz n the Hood came home because ‘bitches gotta eat too’ Out of respect you gotta ask the host before you make a move like this

  1. Make sure the cookout is kid friendly

I’m for the kids. Wu-Tang is for the kids. Trix are for the kids but cookouts may not be. Please communicate with the host and make sure kids are invited. The house may not be kid friendly so don’t add any additional risk because the last thing you want is your kid breaking the butt statue sitting on the TV stand. Quite frankly I’m trying to get furred so I don’t wanna be worried about no kids anyway so pass me the Henny.

  1. Complain about the selection of food and drink

First and foremost be thankful that you were invited to break bread with each other. The last thing you can do is complain especially if you didn’t bring anything but your appetite and a jawn because you didn’t have enough money to feed him/her yourself. When invited you should ask if they need anything and if they say no that’s one thing but if they say bring something then bring something.

If the cookout has crabs and you didn’t put in on those crabs keep your crabby patty hands away from the crabs unless you received an evite that you can eat the crabs

Sidebar: in the event the host asks you to bring something but you are financially destitute are you upfront with the host or do you not show up at all.

  1. Know your limits

Save yourself the embarrassment of running through someone’s yard holding your butt because your digestive system failed you or being stretched on the grass because you too drunk. Remember Groove from House Party…you know the brother in the suit. Don’t be that guy. Also don’t be that guy who Play was looking for when the toilet broke. You don’t want to remembered as the kid that can shit some bricks.

  1. Turning the party into your mixtape release party

I’m all for local artists getting a chance to make it out here but you just can’t force that. Now if the crowd request your tape then that’s awesome baby with a capital A. However, if that’s not the case don’t bombard the iDeck with Track 4.

  1. Cooking food knowing that ain’t your ministry

We know that some people have the gift of cooking and some don’t and that’s ok, you are still the product of the Almighty and you will be blessed. Bringing a dish knowing your ass doesn’t cook is a no-no. Nobody wants to try blueberry mac and cheese. Technical foul

7. Clean House

If you got a dirty house please clean that shit up before we come over. I don’t want to think that I drop a chocolate chip when it’s really a mouse dropping. (Look they were here before us but that doesn’t mean we have to see them)

  1. GTH (get the hug…dawg)

Listen it’s a cookout. Face it you will be doing a lot of handshakes and hugging. If you have a jealous partner who’s gonna ask ‘who’s that bitch or who that nigga is’, leave them home. A cookout is the time when Christian hugs are thrown out the window and it’s nothing but breast to chest hugs. Fellas make sure your neck is cleaned and washed thoroughly. Scentbird will be your best friend. Make sure you spray a couple shots of cologne and preferably not Axe body but I don’t know your budget. Get the hug dawg-Tommy Ford voice. Your hug should be like she just lost her childhood teddy bear but tread lightly during the hug because if you get a hard on, that could turn into an awkward experience or it could lead to some afternoon delight.  Either way, a cookout is your opportunity to become the black Dos Equis man.

  1. Dress accordingly

We got weather apps, weather channels and meteorologists everyday providing us useful information regarding the weather. Do your due diligence and make sure you are dressed for the occasion. We have to appreciate the appearance of the black woman because when they dress up good Lord. Recent historians have determined that the black woman was the real reason that ‘Jesus wept’. They look like Ms. Parker, Damita, Sidney, Yvette, Claire Huxtable or Keisha. “Now Keisha was a bad motherfucker…tall, darkskin, some big ass tits looking like a ghetto Naomi Campbell” Just make sure you dress accordingly because you don’t want to be at the cookout walking like a newborn animal.

  1. Biggie said it first: this rule is so underrated/ Keep your family and business completely separated/Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch/Find yourself in serious shit

 

Translation: Bringing your white or co-worker that isn’t the same race as you to all black cookout could have disastrous results. Just because he’s cool like Bill Maher don’t mean he can say nigga like Bill Maher.

  1. Know the game

At some point during the cookout, someone is going to want to play Spades, UNO, Tonk, Taboo, Dominoes and the list goes on and on. If you don’t know to play those games ahead of time please don’t wait until this day to learn especially if there is money on the line. If you can’t beat the computer in Spades what makes you think you gonna beat a real person. Playing Spades at a cookout can turn into a Las Vegas Casino or Las Vegas after an event (ask Pac and Biggie).

 

 

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Bro Code

bro code

“I ride for my guys that’s the bro code”- Young M.A

Listen man in life there are written rules and unwritten rules that you must abide by in order to have a successful existence on Earth. “Treat others as you would want others to treat you” has to be the standard rule that all races, genders, nationalities, religions need to live by. In today’s culture we as men live by the “bro code” which is basically a manual that needs to be reciprocated amongst other men unless you want these hands or other weaponry. So here are some truths that will conveniently point out facts that men from any generation must utilize.

  1. Never slander another man in order to GTD (get the draws)– This is just one of the most disgusting things a man can do to another man and the fact that it happens so much is even worse. Face it, fellas we pick the women but the woman chooses us. Let that marinate. If the woman doesn’t want you don’t be a douche about so fuck her friend or not but never lie on another man to get the booty.
  2. Bros before hoes– classic phrase but sometimes she got that wet wet and can do damage to a friendship. Now if this lady is your wife then all bets are off but if you are just a girl you jam after a cookout or something she should never have deference over your homeboy.
  3. Player 1 controller belongs to the owner of the house– how dare you come to my house and play 2K and think you are player 1. I take that as slap in the face and we must have a duel afterwards. Would you let me come to your house and eat the big piece of chicken hell no then why do you get to be Player 1?
  4. All groceries must be carried in one trip– I don’t care how you do it. But God gave you two hands so use them.
  5. Allow one urinal separation between men– I don’t know why we even have to elaborate but this rule gets broken quite often and enough is enough. Your shoe should never touch another man’s shoe while taking a piss. Case closed
  6. Even if we playing sports, don’t smack another guy ass– look man I know we see this on TV but I will be damned if every time you shoot a basket you have to smack them on the ass afterwards. Stop that bullshit expeditiously-Joe Clarke voice
  7. No sisters or mothers– Scarface killed Manolo. Stay away my moms’- Kyle lee Watson voice. Need I say more? It isn’t worth it. But step-sisters or step mothers is fair game.
  8. Open Bar at my funeral– Listen if you are my real bro, the repast will not be in a church it will be at someone’s house where there will be endless amount of Henny and other beverages. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I don’t like to party.
  9. Dogs– If you get a dog it must be up to knee length or bigger. Fellas if your bro wants a lap dog then you Ric Flair chop him as hard as you can. I’m 6’0 almost 325 pounds could you imagine me with a shitzu. Fuck no, in my ideal world I would have a mastiff bare minimum but for some reason I have a feeling it will eat my kids so big dogs or no dogs at all.
  10. Every crew must designate a wingman– If you have been given this high position under no circumstances can you fail him. There must be a shy brother, cool brother, woke brother, down for whatever brother. You have to be a chameleon to serve your brother as the best wingman.
  11. Never lie about bodies– Look man everybody isn’t Wilt Chamberlain with the ladies but be satisfied with what you have been with. Inflating numbers ain’t cool especially when we find out the truth. Just don’t do it.
  12. If invited to a wedding don’t add your own +1: Look man getting invited to a wedding is a big deal but if you’re a single just relish the opportunity of all the single women that will be there. Trust me the groom is going to look out for you and if doesn’t then take back your gift.
  13. Never leave another brother hanging– simple enough right
  14. Delete browsing history– No explanation needed. Erase me like I was in the Men in Black movie.
  15. Divulging information– If pressed by your lady about a party or a fellas’ trip you must use three word phrases only such as “it was aight”, “it was cool”, “and glad I’m back” short and concise statements are the best way to go.
  16. Can’t talk too much– When discussing you and other woman, you can’t go in-depth with all the sexual details. This isn’t the Cam scene from Paid in Full. Plus if your brother is really a Judas he may use that against you to fuck your girl which is a clear violation but you knew you was wrong but you asked for it baby-DMX voice.
  17. Fighting– If you see a brother fighting you must intervene but if you get your ass handed because your friend did some fuck shit like ran, you do reserve the right to fight your friend after all wounds have healed.
  18. No sex with the Ex– Look if you bring a woman to a fight party, Vegas night, cookout or any other social gathering more than once then unofficially that is your girl and under no circumstances can your friends fuck her after it’s over. It doesn’t matter how bad she is or how much she throws the pussy at you don’t do it unless it results in a train then go ahead and embarrass her but can’t have eye contact.
  19. No sharing – I know how the saying goes, “sharing is caring” but there are certain things that you can’t share. For example, 2 men should never share an umbrella. Look I’m a big dude and can rarely find an umbrella to keep my big ass dry what makes you think I’m sharing my umbrella with another person. That ain’t happening, captain. Another thing we don’t share is a dessert. Maybe because I don’t eat dessert like that but I just can’t imagine ordering a waffle cone sundae and asking for 2 spoons and the other spoons goes to another nigga with a beard. It’s like 2 hot dogs in the same bun. Just wrong. If you must link up at a restaurant please exhaust all options such as the bar and tables and if you have to do make your own table but two men in a booth shouldn’t occur.
  20. Moving– Very underrated rule but sometimes neglected. If you ask your brother to use his truck to move your shit out of your house, make sure you fill his tank back up and even offer to have his car detailed. Food and liquor is always an option as well and if your friend just so happens to own a clothing line, he must reimburse his brother with exclusive merchandise.

I know there are many more but this is just the beginning because as time moves on so does the rules. Stay Klassy, Gentleman of Planet Earth.

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Mock you very much

lbs1

 

DVR set. Snacks in the oven. Henny in the cup as I relax in the recliner after I give all my kids tablets to keep their ass quiet. I know you wondering why would I do that on a Thursday but today is the 2017 NFL Draft. Tonight is the night where Roger Goodell will step to the podium amongst the boo birds and announce the picks for your perspective football team. Everybody expects Myles Garrett to go number 1 but this is Cleveland we are talking about so anything is possible. But on some real shit with all the mock drafts from all the sites and everybody gonna be wrong at some point so why not use fictional characters where 100% of the time, I’m wrong every time. Tune into the first round of the 2017 NFL Draft on ESPN8-The Ocho.

  1. Cleveland Browns- Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans)

Arguably the best defensive player in the draft and Cleveland needs all the help it can get. Plus he won a state title in a racist town. Day 1 starter.

  1. San Francisco 49ers’- Steve Lattimer ( The Program)

This guy gained 35 pounds of muscle in 3 months and after reports of John Lynch talking about selecting him the last thing you want is Lattimer screaming, “what are you leading me on”

  1. Chicago Bears- Alvin Mack (The Program)

With his recent injury history, this selection may be a huge risk. But in the City where linebackers are revered add another one to the list.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars- Darnell Jefferson (The Program)

Three straight picks from ESU as Jefferson becomes running back of the future. The wildcard for this pick is Joe Kane.

  1. Tennessee Titans- Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)

Running game stamped. QB stamped. Wide receivers…not so much. With 2 first round picks they can go offense/defense and he wants us to show him the money.

  1. New York Jets- Shane Falco (The Replacements)
  2. Los Angeles Chargers- Earl Wilkinson (The Replacements)
  3. Carolina Panthers- Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday)
  4. Cincinnati- Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)
  5. Buffalo Bills- Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
  6. New Orleans Saints- Alan Bosley ( Remember the Titans)
  7. Cleveland Browns- Johnny Moxon ( Varsity Blues)
  8. Arizona Cardinals- Bobby Boucher ( Waterboy)
  9. Philadelphia Eagles- Earl Meggett (The Longest Yard)
  10. Indianapolis Colts- Wendell Brown (Varsity Blues)
  11. Baltimore Ravens- Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
  12. Washington Redskins- Danny Bateman (The Replacements)
  13. Tennessee Titans- Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)
  14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
  15. Denver Broncos- Billy Bob (Varsity Blues)
  16. Detroit Lions- Bud Kaminski (The Program)
  17. Miami Dolphins- Big Mike (Blind Side)
  18. New York Giants- Louis Lastik (Remember the Titans)
  19. Oakland Raiders- Luther ‘Shark’ Lavay ( Any Given Sunday)
  20. Houston Texans- Joe Kane (The Program)
  21. Seattle Seahawks- Gary Bertier (Remember the Titans)
  22. Kansas City Chiefs- Rudy Ruettiger (Rudy)
  23. Dallas Cowboys- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
  24. Green Bay Packers- Becky O’Shea (Ice Box-Little Giants)
  25. Pittsburgh Steelers- Meaney (Waterboy)
  26. Atlanta Falcons- Forrest Gump ( Forrest Gump)
  27. New Orleans Saints- Uncle Rico ( Napoleon Dynamite)

 

 

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The Boogie Man

Image

It’s around 12:30 am this morning watching ESPN as they recap the lackluster All-Star Weekend when the screen turns red and the only words you see on the screen is BREAKING NEWS. What could be breaking news at this hour? Hopefully, it’s nothing tragic like a sports death. It may be a sports death if you’re a Kings fan because DeMarcus Cousins was traded to the New Orleans Pelicans for Tyreke Evans, Langston Galloway, Buddy Hield, 2017 first round pick (top 3 protected) and 2017 second round pick. This is ironic because Boogie was just in New Orleans for the all-star game and now this is what he is going to call home. I love the NBA.

DeMarcus Cousins is the enigma of the NBA. For all his talent, which includes a 20-10 average and now implementing the 3 ball, he is known for his technicals and his erratic behavior. Pairing him with Anthony Davis is a dangerous combination for multiple reasons. One reason is that they are top 5 players in their prime and in a half court tempo will give other teams the blues. It can also be dangerous because if they don’t mesh this could be another debacle and now you have two disgruntled big men who could leave the city. New Orleans is definitely playing with house money because DeMarcus Cousins is eligible for a 5-yrs./179 million dollar extension this summer and with his hometown being Mobile, Alabama, they have a good chance to re-signing him. These next 3 months will be pivotal in re-signing him because right now they are 2 games out of the 8th spot in the Western Conference playoffs and a potential matchup with either Golden State Warriors or San Antonio Spurs could be enticing. I’m not saying they are going far in the playoffs but anything is possible. Remember the 07 Golden State Warriors led by Baron Davis and Stephen Jackson beating the Dallas Mavericks squad that won 67 games. I’m just saying.

Let’s be real. DeMarcus Cousins isn’t a winner. He hasn’t produced a winning season since he has entered the NBA. For the 7 years that he has been in the league he has gone through multiple coaches, multiple teammates and multiple suspensions. He has already been suspended one game for reaching his 16th technical in the quickest amount of time. 24, 22, 28, 28, 29, 33 and 24 as of now represent the amount of wins the Kings have had since drafting Cousins.

Some are already calling this the heist of the century because of what the Kings received in return. Quite frankly, there isn’t enough value that Sacramento was going to receive for Cousins. It’s apparent that this was a culture move as the Kings are in full rebuilding mode and it starts with cutting ties with DeMarcus Cousins or this another case the Kings’ upper management not knowing what the fuck they are doing.  Even though, he is averaging 27.8 points, 10.7 rebounds and 4.9 assists a game his behavior was too much for the Kings to handle. Face it, you are not going to get equal value for him as various teams like Phoenix Suns, Orlando Magic and Los Angeles Lakers were fielding calls to Vlade Divac in the hopes of obtaining the disgruntled big man. Fear is the biggest motivator because his stats are gaudy but the fear of him ruining your team will get your ass fired. Another fear is the likelihood of re-signing him since he becomes a free agent in 2018. Stars like him never get equal value when they are traded. Other examples of this would be Allen Iverson to the Nuggets, Tracy McGrady to the Rockets and Carmelo Anthony to the Knicks.

The Kings may not have done badly in this deal. Sure they got a lot of players that don’t match up to DeMarcus Cousins but once you read the fine print this could be a win for the Kings. The Kings will receive Tyreke Evans, Langston Galloway, Buddy Hield, a first round and a second round pick. They get the Pelicans first round pick which could be as high as the lottery if the Pelicans miss the playoffs as well as their second round pick which came from Philadelphia and stands as the 35th overall pick as of today. Having a high second round pick can provide major dividends ask Golden State and their selection of Draymond Green. Sacramento also receives Buddy Hield who is a marksman from the field. In a shrewd business move trading DeMarcus Cousins practically guarantees that the Kings will keep their first round draft pick which was going to the Bulls in a previous trade if it fell outside the top 10. As of yesterday they were number 11. I can imagine they fall below the top 10 after this deal. Look at it from this standpoint, the Kings could end up with 2 lottery picks in a draft that NBA executives are calling the deepest draft class in 5 years, in addition to Buddy Hield and a top second round pick. This could be the re-emergence of the Sacramento Kings or it could be another example of the Kings being the Kings. According to a recent mock draft, they have the Kings selecting Jayson Tatum from Duke and De’Aaron Fox from Kentucky. These are two players that can jumpstart a franchise and with a high second round pick anything is possible. In other news, the Kings are making Darren Collision, Ben McElmore, and Arron Affalo available for trades as well with the hopes of returning more picks or cap-friendly deals. Let’s not forget that Tyreke Evans is on the last year of his deal. He could be bought out by the Kings and become available to any one in the league. Paging the Cleveland Cavaliers…Paging the Cleveland Cavaliers. These moves will create cap space for the summer and could bring more free agents to the city but with so much uncertainty, who wants to come to the Kings. It’s apparent that the Kings are ready to rebuild and it just sacrificed its biggest piece.

The Kings have reached that moment of clarity where giving away assets is not the answer. Thinking about long term success and acquiring assets is the sustainable course to right the wrongs of this franchise. For the Pelicans, if this trade works then it’s another edition of the Twin Towers and there will be plenty of things to celebrate in the Big Easy. If it doesn’t work well I don’t even want to know what happens if this doesn’t work.

Fortune favors the bold and this was the bold move by both teams. Which fortune will it favor? Only time will tell. All I know is everyone is downloading the latest roster update on 2K. In life you may have to lose in order to win. Who took the bigger L?

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Where were you

new-england-patriots

Last night was an action packed drama filled with suspense and a climax that even Shonda Rhimes couldn’t even ponder. No, I am not talking about the rebirth of 24; I am talking about the Super Bowl between New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons. This game had cliffhanger after cliffhanger but as Jim Valvano once said, ‘Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” and dammit if those Patriots ain’t give up. I wonder if Josh McDaniels called the Annexation of Puerto Rico for that Julian Edelman catch. Patriots must have watched the Jim Valvano ESPY speech while Atlanta was planning to visit Magic City with the trophy. I wonder is Michael Vick smiling on the low because if anybody was supposed to bring a championship to Atlanta it was that guy. Nevertheless, this game will go down as one of the greatest games in sports history. Some say that I may be a prisoner of the moment but overcoming a 25 point lead after the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history was only 10 points is nothing short but amazing. You don’t even come back from that deficit even in Madden because you pass the sticks after being down 21. We can go on and on about the game but as time goes on the question you will ask yourself was where was I when this game was played.

Earlier that day, we were solidifying Super Bowl plans. I got a phone call from my big brother about the game and here was the conversation:

Brother: yoooooo

Me: yooooo

Brother: what it is?

Me: aint shit

Brother: just checkin in. in or out?

Me: I’m in

Brother: aight bet

Translation: What’s good yo? How are you and the kids? You already know the Super Bowl is going to be at my house? Are you coming?

So I’m at my brother’s house and the spread is out of this world. Shout out to Mike Miller for being the grill master. Shout out to Cook for making drinks, shout out to Wylie for opening up his house for this occasion. It was standing room only and nothing but profanity and jokes throughout the whole game. All types of side bets going on. Case in point, one guy wears his authentic Michael Vick jersey makes this bet:

“If falcons win you have to burn that autographed Bill Belichick hoodie and if the patriots win I will burn the jersey”

In my mind I was like what the fuck are you thinking. The Patriots are down 28-3 in the 3rd quarter and Matt Ryan is moving the ball. But like they say the game ain’t over until the clock strikes 0. Don’t give Tom Brady any additional time. Stick to the script but of course this is why you play the game-Chris Berman voice. First the Patriots scored to make it 28-9 and it stays there because Gostowski misses the extra point. Punt after punt turns into the execution of Atlanta’s chances to win the Super Bowl because Tom Brady ran 29 plays which resulted to 24 first downs. Tom Brady went Tom Brady while Matt Ryan went Matt Ryan. As Matt Ryan began to struggle, everybody starts to say and you think Matt Ryan is better than Joe Flacco. Leave it to some Baltimore niggas to mention Joe Flacco during the Super Bowl. Patriots kick a field goal and the whole time the crowd is going crazy.

One Patriots fan: “What the fuck Belichick. Go for it. It’s the Super bowl”

Another Patriots fan: “in Bill we trust”

Then the unthinkable happens. Patriots go for the onside kick and Atlanta recovers so you just knew the game was over; however, the Patriots stop them and they get the ball back. Then it’s 28-20. Then it’s 28-28. Are you kidding me-Reggie miller voice. This game which was declared over by everyone has this house going nuts and” I’m so happy to be here. This is the greatest day of my life”- African yo from coming to America voice. You can never bet against Tom Brady and dammit if he proved that statement correct with this game. Overtime begins and guess whaaaaaaaat. Tom Brady gets the ball and if he scores a touchdown this turns into the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Play after play first down after first down, Tom Brady is becoming closer to immortality. The grill is relighted because somebody shit is getting burnt tonight. People are furred and you can’t hear anything but loud noises and grunts. Then the toss play seen around the world as James White hits the corner and the referee puts both hands up to signal touchdown and pandemonium ensued. Everyone jumping up and down, all the Brady haters sitting in their seat slumped over like someone dope fiend leaning down Lexington Market and the rest is just in pure shock. Face it as a football fan this is the type of game you want to see all the time. Even if you don’t like Tom Brady you have to respect his gamesmanship and his clutch gene is on super saiyan.

Is Tom Brady the greatest player ever? Did New England wins this game or did Atlanta choke? What was Kyle Shanahan thinking? Should Brady retire? These were all the questions that we discussed as we parted ways with plates upon plates of food but before we left for the night we all went outside to see this Michael Vick burn. Sure being at the Super Bowl but being here at this moment can’t ever be replaced. 10, 15, 20 years down the line when the game is all futuristic us adults will be in our 50’s still talking about how this game was on and Tom Brady certified himself as the GOAT. What a time to be alive. So the question remains, where were you?

 

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Super Bowl

Superbowl-party

48 hours from now there will be two teams vying for the right to be called NFL Champions for the 2016-2017. Will be it Tom Brady and the Patriots or Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons? Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. In a few days supermarkets will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. There will be some people that miss church or leave right after the sermon because once the TV comes on I am not moving. Everybody has that one guy in the crew that has the perfect house for these types of events because of the energy that it generates mixed with the crowd equals a good ass night. However, there are occasions when that person can’t host the event so this is where someone steps up to the occasion. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead  yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines.

Every time there is a social gathering you must govern yourself accordingly, but on Sunday the etiquette you must exhibit will rival any charm school that wasn’t on Vh1. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.

Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company

Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people this isn’t Real Housewives Sunday where you can just serve chips and tap water. First and foremost how you know I wanted people over my house Super Bowl Sunday. Some people don’t thrive under pressure and you don’t want to be remembered for having a whack Super Bowl party. How rude-michelle tanner voice

Rule 2: Clean your house

I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 3 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has old food stains and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it meaning it should be staged to make your guest feel at home not them holding their coats and looking at the walls to make sure no roaches come out.

Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests

If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.

Rule 4: If you don’t know shit then don’t say shit

Nothing worse than a grown man watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘did he hit a home run?’ Get your sassy ass out my house and take your Kenya Moore twirling ass that way. If you don’t know the game just be quiet and enjoy the game, commercials and the food. If you’re a woman and you know something about the game we salute you but don’t get cocky.

Rule 5: Have a plunger

Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:

Owner: who broke the toilet?

Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.

Rule 6: Don’t try new foods

I know Facebook be coming up with some ill ass snacks on the daily that people share every day. If you nice in the kitchen that’s one thing but trying to switch an ingredient and freak it into your own creation that’s a no-no (young MA voice).Nobody wants a pork chop cheese steak so just stick to the script we ain’t got the time or patience for your new delicacies that you wanna try. Leave that for your girls’ night sleepover.

Rule 7: Television

This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.

Rule 8: Be quiet during commercials

Listen on Sunday the different types of people that will be attendance at your house will vary to the passionate sports fan to the person that talks in Marshawn Lynch ( you know why I’m here). The one time where all people will be in unison will be watching commercials. People like the commercials. Social media lives for the commercials. Just admire their marketing strategy and patiently wait for the 3rd quarter.

Rule 9: Be careful who you invite

Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you inviting your pastor.

Rule 10: Have enough food

Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks  don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.

Bonus Rule: Dress Appropriately

More than likely you will be in the living room or basement of someone’s house watching the game so dress appropriately. You coming to the party in a short dress and high heels just isn’t becoming of you because for one you’re going to keep getting up and walking around because everyone has to see your outfit and two don’t be the girl looking like a hussy. You know the game and how it goes you trying to get chose and that’s cool but doing it on super bowl Sunday is not really cool. Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.

 

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Statute of Limitations

statute-clipart-statutesandrules-bg

You’re a married individual with kids and a mortgage and countless bills that make your check look like why am I working in the first place but I’m thankful for everything that I have. Now let’s be real every man and woman has a past which includes past lovers. When I was younger, I wanted the virgin but as I got older I wanted more of a frolicking nun. Like I don’t want someone who is in the Guinness Book of Records but if you have some experience great. I know there are past lovers but I don’t want to be in a room with a bunch of niggas and the only thing we got in common is your pussy and head game. It’s like he got one up because the same faces and same moves you do on me was done on him and God forbid he was the one that taught you that. It reminds me of the 3rd verse of Hotline Bling when Drake says, “These days, all I do is/ Wonder if you’re bendin’ over backwards for someone else/ Wonder if you’re rollin’ up a backwoods for someone else/ Doing things I taught you, gettin’ nasty for someone else. The nonverbal communication between all 3 parties is crazy because we all have one thing in common and that’s the game. It’s very key on how each other plays this out because it can turn into a senseless act of violence or it could turn into some chill shit where it’s an event that happened in the past but the present and the future is with me so I’m chilling. In the beginning it can be a stare down where the one that hit it first can turn into Hov and recite this classic lyric, “Because you know who did you know what with you know who but just keep that between me and you…come on”

Some people just take it and be like hey man it is what it is and it’s no problem because what you may have disregarded someone else turned her or him into a treasure. Is there a statute of limitations where meeting a guy or girl of your significant other’s past? If you a married man does it matter who her man was when she was 17 but now she 35?  But, if this person was the last person before you does the rules change? Do the same rules apply for men? If you a married woman do you feel some type of way if you meet a woman from your dude’s past? Would you go out to dinner and break bread with someone that has had the same dick as you? Do you feel insecure or is it nothing but you got the grand prize which is the husband? Does distance matter? For example if she is from Boston but now lives in Baltimore and she visits home about 4 times a year and one of those times she goes she want you to hang out with her and this former flame even though he is married as well. Do you go or are you like fuck that?

So I’m over a friend house and this exact situation came up. Check this shit out:

Wife: hey bae when we go back to visit my family, we were invited for drinks with Jason

Husband: who Jason yo?

Wife: someone I grew up with and we briefly dated when I was like 16. (For the record she is 35 now)

Husband: never heard of yo before but it’s whatever

Wife: so do you wanna go or nah

It was at this moment where their daughter who is about 9 intervened. First thing I’m thinking is oh shit lil yo about to get popped for jumping in a grown folk conversation but that didn’t happened and I was floored with what she said.

Daughter: Daddy I know how you feel

Dad: oh word how you am I feeling

Daughter: you feel embarrassed

Dad: hi-5 baby girl that’s wzup but on some real shit don’t jump in my conversation when me and your mother are talking. Got it

I was thinking damn son Kids say the Darndest Things but should he have been embarrassed like his daughter said or was he reaching. He remind me of Lance from the Best Man when he was about to marry Mia but all he could think about is how Harper fucked his soon to be wife. Why would he feel embarrassed? For all we know he may not have fucked for real so you making the assumption that every dude she was with fucked. Is that an accurate assumption a man or woman should make with respect to their past lovers.

Wife: I aint checking for him, he aint checking for me. He just did a bid and she stayed with him because Lord knows nigga I’m out and he got lady hips and no facial hair. Fuck I look like leaving you for that nigga. He ain’t  helping with these kids or mortgage plus you lay it down daddy.

Daughter: is that how I got here mommy because daddy lays down a lot.

That was my cue to dip and I said ‘yo just hit me when you get a chance’

Should he go on the date with his wife when they go back home? Is this a big deal? Have you experienced this and if so how did you handle it? If he says no, should she still go since they grew up together? Let me know your thoughts.

#plottwist Have you been with your significant other and one of your former partners enters the room? Were you nervous like Issa when Daniel came to her party? I know rule number one is never let them see you sweat so do you have a waiting to exhale moment and snap back to reality. What if these two men/women form a friendship even though the other guy knows he has had sex with your wife in the past? Do you tell him/her during a truth moment session or no? Now if your significant other finds out from him/her instead of you then the trust may be compromised and he can possibly turn into Lawrence from insecure and start banging someone’s walls loose like that Migos lyric. I state this because if he/she tells you then it comes from a place of malice because you are the one like neo from the matrix while they were just second place and we all know no one remembers second place. For example in soul food when Mekhi phifer beat up that light skin yo after he told her he used to jam her and he deserved it especially after he said ‘I used to call her Coca Cola because she had that Coca Cola bottle shape’. On the other hand, it can lead to your partner getting his ass whipped like Cuty did Anthony on Dead Presidents. It can go a number of ways. We all have a past and that can’t change.

Me personally I wouldn’t want to know if they were complete strangers because it’s like the saying goes, if you weren’t there then it didn’t happen. But, if we were friends or knew of each other like to the point that they know that’s the misses then I would want to know because now I know how to handle the situation. As long as he don’t bring it up then it’s cool but the minute it comes up then we got to shoot the fair one. However, there are rules to this shit and they should be followed to the utmost degree.  The last thing you want to do is embarrass your partner especially in public. Even though the discussion about your former self was told it was the 2-d version because you saw it but couldn’t touch it like watching a movie but now seeing it in 3-D it adds a different layer that everyone can’t handle. As Taxstone would say ‘be safe tho’

 

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Diary of a Big Yo Weightlifting

weights

Well the New Year is upon us. New Year. New Me. Time to go ham on these realistic goals. This is not going to turn into a weekly diatribe. This is more about certain shenanigans that occurred the first time I went to the gym for the New Year. First things first it was good to get back in the swing of things lifting weights. It was around 10:30 in the morning and it was a day off so I knew it was going to be packed but son it was packed like Kings Dominion during Black College Weekend. Everybody was on the treadmill, elliptical and Stairmaster but it was weird because it was only men doing cardio and the women were lifting weights. It wasn’t a lot of alpha activity going on. I mean more alpha female then anything. Is this a new thing? Are women trying to take over for the 99-2000? Are men trying to be extra lean? These are genuine questions because I do a little of both but I like lifting weights more than cardio. It was crazy. You had people signing up for new membership and then others are doing their daily routine and of course you got the one person that gotta Snapchat, Facebook live and let the world your next move. On a serious note can someone tell me why people lifting weights with a fitted cap on. You get the hat all sweaty and the shape is being compromised and I hope you don’t wear that with your finest attire.

It was a different scene then what I’m used to because I normally go at night or around 430 in the morning so going around 10 am it was crazy. Not to mention it was a day off for everyone so it was thick like WIC peanut butter. I remember signing in and looking at the treadmill and I was viewing the treadmill like a urinal in the men’s bathroom. Maybe it’s me but if there’s a one treadmill gap between people I won’t use it. It could be a big boy complex and I think that there isn’t enough room and then I’m sweating all crazy and I ain’t getting any sweat on anyone else. Nevertheless, I was able to find a treadmill and I knocked out my time while watching ESPN and now it’s on to the weights and that’s where the big bucks start rolling in.

I decided to work on chest so I put 225 on the bench and I start to hype myself up a little bit plus Jeezy was blasting through the speakers so I’m ready. I look to the left of me and it’s another dude with the same weight on the bench and he’s looking at me like the Kevin Hart skit when he was in the gym and he was about to lift weights. So he did about 9 on 225 and he was like, ‘that’s how you lift weights. I ain’t seen you before. You look new’. In my mind I’m like yeah you wouldn’t see me during the day because I got a job my man. I just laughed it off and kept going toward my bench when he said that I couldn’t do what he just did.

Bench guy: you playing. You ain’t about this life here playboy. Real man weight over here

Me: playboy. What you just watch A-Team before you came to the gym?

Bench: I mean what’s up then

Right then and there I was like fuck it. Game time. Maybe it was the weightlifting gods initiating me to the new line of weightlifters. I knew it was all ego because he was smaller than me so his 8 or 9 is equivalent to at least double digits because my size. At this moment my mind turned into a Kermit meme:

Sonny: Should I just do 10 and workout with him since we lifting the same weight?

Sonny Savage: man you from over west yo fuck this nigga. Big and black is back. Stop playing with this clown. It’s time to get down or lay down and if you lay down you stay down cuz we don’t play around. Annihilate this dude leave his bench then go to your bench put 315 on and say get ya weight up lil nigga.

It’s safe to say Savage Sonny emerged from the depths of hell and did 225 20 times then walked to my bench put on 315. I only did like 7 so I’m not Incredible Hulk but then I ended it with a mean stare and a ‘get ya weight up lil nigga’

Bench: I see you playboy. Aight aight. But you the big homie though like that should be light work anyway. Then he tries to shake my hand and I’m like aight yo happy New Year. One day you can be lift big weights.

So until I left the benching area I could see that he was looking at what I was doing. Then I switch to the reverse grip bench press and it fucked the whole game up. He starts asking me mad questions then he wanted to try something light so I put on 185. At about the 3rd rep his breathing starts to change and he was done. I do a casual 12 and I go about my business. I knew I became petty when I asked him, ‘you want a bottle of water yo’. He ain’t say shit but I mean why challenge me. Why did you think if you beat me you get a shot at the world championship belt? This ain’t wrestling my G so lift your weights and go home.  I can say that with consistency and a change of diet, I could be cut up like the Thing from the Fantastic 4 or at least Mr. Incredible because right now I’m looking like Kung Fu Panda. I know it’s a process so it won’t change overnight and for those in the same boat or just trying to get healthier keep going and when you think you about to quit always remember why you started in the first place.

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Your Target Weight Loss is….

harvey

My name is Sonny. I’m 33 years old and I’m overweight

Rest of class: Hi Sonny.

I’ve been a big nigga my whole life. I came out the womb wearing husky diapers. My dad is a big guy and so are some of my cousins so it wasn’t a big deal. As long as I played sports particularly football then my existence as a big dude was validated. Man oh man there have been some moments when all I could do is shake my head and be like what the fuck man. But for this very reason I’ve always been humble. I’ve always been the quiet, observant kid because I knew that since I’m the big dude you was gonna to see me anyway so let me at least make it a memorable experience. I could remember shopping with my mom when I was a kid and she would ask the sales clerk where the husky department was and that’s when I knew I was a big dude. Of course I got teased as a kid but I had hands though so after I popped a couple kids it was like I was the kid that played Biggie in the Sky’s the Limit video and all they could say was, ‘Look at they man eye, BIG man they never try/ So we roll wid em, stole wid em/ I mean loyalty, niggaz bought me milks at lunch/The milks was chocolate, the cookies, buttercrunch’.  Growing up I idolized people like Biggie Smalls, Barry White, fat Luther because at some point in my life I was told I looked like them but since they were the shit in their profession I didn’t mind it. But it was once I was compared to Doug Heffernan from the show King of Queens then I knew it was a problem. To the day, Biggie is still a major influence because of his storytelling and overall lyrical ability. But I learned quick that big and black is cool but having a stack as well makes it a whole lot better.

Like high school was a gift and a curse because I played football and all that but once football was over and I was back on my nerdy shit it was a bit challenging. Luckily, I have a good personality so I was still an overall cool guy but it definitely was some niggas cooler than me and it was definitely was some rejection from jawns because I was the big dude. It was like I was the bigger version of Stephon Urkel’. Another disadvantage at the time was that they thought I could make a whole couch by myself. Why the hell would you think of some shit like that? But when times were low, I would listen to some Biggie and I would snap out of it. I will never forget when Biggie said, “I’m big, black and ugly as ever…however”. Stop the record. This is when I learned what confidence is because you can’t say no shit and still expect to flourish. Once you say that you can’t say however. That’s normally the death blow but he continued to get women so it was hell yeah represent for the big fellas babee bay bay uh. I knew I had to improve myself overall and not just my weight because weight comes and goes but there are intangibles that you can’t teach so I also had to focus on those attributes.

I can honestly say I’m proud to be the big boy in the crew. Every crew has to have one. But it’s rules to this shit. First and foremost you have to be as fly as your crew members but you just have to know your limitations. If the shirt needs to be 3x then embrace that because it’s nothing worse than seeing someone tugging at the sides of their shirt all day because they think the shirt is too small. Be comfortable and fly at the same time. When I went to college, I was shocked because I wasn’t the biggest kid on the block and it was refreshing. Don’t get me wrong I was still in a 3x and I was still waiting on the 2 for 150 suit sale at K & G, but to not be the biggest dude was awesome. It gave me a new sense of confidence and all the walls that I built during my high school years were beginning to break down. I still had to be fly at all times because you can’t be the big dude and the bummy dude at the same time. You have to take some risks but you have to know your sweat tolerance. You’re asking what is sweat tolerance. If you sweat a lot no matter the weather you have to take extra precaution when wearing certain things. If you take a shower and you sweat in the shower then your sweat tolerance is low as shit. You have to take extra measures to safe out here. Those sweat rags become essential because the worst thing that you want to happen is wearing a fresh Polo of an exotic color and then the collar is filled with brown sweat marks like you were literally melting as you walk. Then you get the feedback from women was like a breath of fresh air but I had to stay humble because I remember a girl telling me that I got bigger over the semester and it fucked me up because the attraction that was once there is now gone. I know that be shallow but at 20 years old what could you expect. In all honesty I want to feel comfortable in my skin and in the clothes that I wear. I don’t want to squeeze into any pair of jeans or pray that my shirt goes over the belt buckle and I definitely don’t want to run out of stores to go to for clothes. Another thing that bother me from time to time is when all my friends be making clothes and they say I got you big fella but their largest shirt is a XL. Like that doesn’t even fit over my head and you think this is going to fit over my body. That’s wzup.

It was at this time in college when I began to lift weights heavy. Since I never had any guidance I have yet to hit my zenith. Even to this day, I know there are some heights that I’ve yet to reach but it’s not physical anymore it’s more mental because my mom would say you fine to me so I felt I could skip a day or two. Now that I’m married, my wife will say the same thing and the same shit has happened. But then I go to the gym and my daughter says that I’m Mr. Incredible so I’m like yeah but when I want to get a tuxedo jacket for a wedding the tailor is like No. It’s crazy now because there’s a few dudes I went to high school with who were skinny as shit now they are body builders but I will tip my hat off to them because they help others to achieve their goals as well. Nothing worse than a selfish bastard. I mean they are going to push you beyond your breaking point but once you achieve your goal then it was well worth it.

I’ve struggled my whole life on this subject but since I embrace being big it doesn’t bother me as much as it did in the past. I really just wanna feel comfortable in my clothes. I want to wear a tank top and  not look like I got titties on the side. I know the New Year is coming up and the gym is about to be flooded with people like me or some worse than me trying to get right. It’s ok because you are going to have a bad day maybe even a week or a month but keep going. Summer is coming but it’s the winter months when the experiment really happens. I remember watching Celebrity Fit Club and every week Harvey would say, “Your target weight loss is….” I have come to the conclusion that I will never be the skinny guy but I really just want to be healthier and live longer for my wife, kids and family. Now that my wife wants to begin this journey as well its extra pressure because we got to hold each other accountable and sometimes the way we express ourselves can get a bit harsh but as long as the objective is still the same then I can get with it. We are literally going from thick to thin. I know this isn’t going to be easy because it’s all in the experience that makes it worth memorable. I have to push myself beyond my breaking point in order for this to work. The first step is what is my breaking point. The only way to find out is to load the weights up. Let’s see who this story will end?

Have you struggled with losing weight? Are you still struggling? Did you give up? If you didn’t what clicked in your mind for you to keep going? What was/is your target weight loss?

 

 

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Christmas time is Here

charlie brown

Man oh man. Where did 2016 go? In a few weeks Christmas will be among us. Families, friends, kids, gifts and basketball games will consume our day. We’re anticipating macaroni and cheese, turkey and other delectable items that will blow your whole summer 17 diet. The Christmas tree is decorated and there might be some cookies for Santa left while various family members prepare the food and I’m not eating all day because I’m going ham on all the Christmas food and desserts. They say the kids eat first but since I’m a child of God, I will abide by those guidelines. I sit there as I watch my kids opening gifts ripping up paper just to scream and give credit to some big white dude with a beard. Naw man fuck that you’re Santa is big and he got a beard but he’s black and his name is Sonny B. I’m looking at my bank statements now embarrassed to even walk into a bank because Tasha the bank teller ain’t gonna see this shit. I am definitely insecure about my funds (see what I did there).

On some real shit, I’m glad I can provide for my kids. As I get older I realize that Christmas is for the kids and not the adults and now that I’m an adult the cycle continues to repeat itself. When I was a kid we had to wait for my dad to wake up and since he worked almost 90 hours a week sometimes he wouldn’t wake up until noon and it would kill me and my sister. Of course mom was like ‘you better let your father sleep…if you go upstairs one more time I’mma take a gift back’. Me and my sister were shook like ass cheeks when rappers go to a Miami strip club. We were impatient and we wanted our gifts now. When dad finally woke up and came downstairs we went ham on the wrapping paper and we screamed at all the gifts we received. At that time I had no idea what sacrifices my mom and dad to provide me the gifts that I thought would make me the cool nigga.

Twenty some years later and I got 3 kids to buy gifts for and let’s not even go into what my wife wants now  I’m looking at my paycheck and all I can do is pray for the best.  Then come to find out my connect who had the discount last year ain’t got it this year so now I’m paying full price for shit now. Ain’t that bout a bitch. Oh well tough break nigga there’s always FUBU. Despite the fact we got Christmas gifts to buy, I got real life shit that in my opinion that is more important. I can buy you a tablet but if we don’t have no electricity then what. I still have to buy diapers, clothes, and groceries while providing a smile on my wife and kids face. I’m beginning to see what my parents went through and I’m appreciative of what they did. Now check this out, I’m looking at the prices for these kids gifts and they are fuckin buggin. I went to buy some shirts for Reid and they were on sale which was a win for the big fella. I’m about to cop 3 shirts for 20 dollars but shipping and handling was 27 dollars. Yea you read that shit right. The shipping and handling was more than the actual purchase. I felt like snoop dogg at the end of that Dr. Dre song when he’s telling everybody to eat a fat dick.

“Shipping  and handling can eat a big fat dick….

Taxes can eat a big fat dick…”

Are you serious? Now I’m looking at my budget breakdown and I’m like ‘nah chief…on to Wal-Mart I go’. I will do everything within my means to provide the best for my family but around Christmas time I have to look to my financial mentors which are Mr. Crab, Jason Pitts and Julius from everybody hates Chris and start to channel their spending ways. I’m like the Fingerhut commercial where someone wants to buy everything and I’m the budget that’s like nah dawg you wilin.

My kids are constantly growing so I know they will need shoes and clothing but it’s something about paying more money for their shoes then my shoes I can’t get with. On some real shit my feet ain’t growing no more and now my son’s shoes cost the same amount. How sway? Where’s JA? What would Jesus do? R U Rapture Ready? PSA to all the parents if you are going to buy toys for the kids please don’t buy sav a lot batteries because when the batteries die instantly then your kids bitching and they lose their mind and say something slick then you gotta give them a ric flair to the chest or the people’s elbow to shut them the fuck up. Face it kids these days be some ungrateful little bastards. All I know is one day my kids will realize the struggles my wife and I had to make sure your Christmas was great.  They will know about the arguments we’ve had because I bought the Essential brand instead of Kraft but since y’all ate that shit it served its purpose. They will know about they were drinking grape drink instead of grape juice.

Morgan: dad can I have some juice

Me: naw we got Kool-Aid though

Morgan: how come we only drink kool aid?

Me: cuz my kool aid is the shit. Then I gave her some Tang and now she wants Kool-Aid all the time now. I got that ass straight real quick.

Don’t go broke and forget the important things in life. Another thing parents if you got kids in school and they stupid don’t reward them with the high end shit. Like if your kid is in the 3rd grade and he’s only passing lunch he doesn’t anything Jordan but a Jordan to the ass to get his mind right. Christmas time is coming so that means me and the kids watching Charlie Brown opening presents and I’m praying the check don’t come out until the 30th.

 

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