48 hours from now there will be two teams vying for the right to be called NFL Champions for the 2016-2017. Will be it Tom Brady and the Patriots or Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons? Fuck all that tho where is the party? The Super Bowl Party is on the Mount Rushmore of gatherings next to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Homecoming Tailgate at Morgan State University. In a few days supermarkets will be packed, liquor stores will be selling their stock at wholesale prices and every carry out spot will have a special that will make you salivate. There will be some people that miss church or leave right after the sermon because once the TV comes on I am not moving. Everybody has that one guy in the crew that has the perfect house for these types of events because of the energy that it generates mixed with the crowd equals a good ass night. However, there are occasions when that person can’t host the event so this is where someone steps up to the occasion. As my brother, Tony ‘Red Cup’ Ducks would say, I’m not sure if all traditions are dead yet so I still have hope for a fight party or Super bowl party right? If you have the task of hosting a Super Bowl party, first and foremost we salute you but know inviting people to your house comes with some rules and guidelines.
Every time there is a social gathering you must govern yourself accordingly, but on Sunday the etiquette you must exhibit will rival any charm school that wasn’t on Vh1. Nothing worse than being dismissed at a Super bowl party because you thought this was the day to show your whole ass.
Rule 1: Give the host enough time to prep the house for company
Listen. I’m proud you have a house with the essentials but don’t wait until Saturday night as you getting ready for church Sunday morning to say to your partner that you invited people over to watch the Super Bowl. This is the Super Bowl people this isn’t Real Housewives Sunday where you can just serve chips and tap water. First and foremost how you know I wanted people over my house Super Bowl Sunday. Some people don’t thrive under pressure and you don’t want to be remembered for having a whack Super Bowl party. How rude-michelle tanner voice
Rule 2: Clean your house
I know this rule is self-explanatory but everybody got that friend where you wouldn’t spend the night because their house isn’t in the best condition. If that’s your house don’t volunteer your services to host this special day. There is a difference between messy and dirty. See I got 3 young kids so my house is sometimes messy especially when all the kids are playing with their toys; on the other hand there is dirty where your stove has old food stains and your bathroom smells like port a potty at Afram. God forbid you look at the toilet and you see a red streak. Automatic HAZMAT suit and owner must be quarantined. Your house should look like you are about to sell it meaning it should be staged to make your guest feel at home not them holding their coats and looking at the walls to make sure no roaches come out.
Rule 3: Have enough space for your guests
If you have a small house it’s ok because it’s for you. But if the housing capacity is 5 this aint the day for you. The last thing you want is people sitting on your steps with your neck turning like the Poltergeist trying to watch the game. Make sure the seats are comfortable because the IKEA Chair you have to assemble aint gonna cut it especially for the big fellas. I know all about big and tall clothing but now I need big and tall furniture to come to your house too fuck that I ain’t coming.
Rule 4: If you don’t know shit then don’t say shit
Nothing worse than a grown man watching a football game and asking questions like, ‘did he hit a home run?’ Get your sassy ass out my house and take your Kenya Moore twirling ass that way. If you don’t know the game just be quiet and enjoy the game, commercials and the food. If you’re a woman and you know something about the game we salute you but don’t get cocky.
Rule 5: Have a plunger
Listen we know it’s gonna be a litany of food at this event and sometimes your stomach aint gonna be able to handle the assortment of foods so you may have to use the bathroom. Please have a plunger because the last thing you want is to be looking like Play for House party asking everybody who broke the toilet? For the record, if you a big nigga just know you will be blamed first. I can see it now:
Owner: who broke the toilet?
Guest: did you see that big nigga? He look like he can shit some bricks.
Rule 6: Don’t try new foods
I know Facebook be coming up with some ill ass snacks on the daily that people share every day. If you nice in the kitchen that’s one thing but trying to switch an ingredient and freak it into your own creation that’s a no-no (young MA voice).Nobody wants a pork chop cheese steak so just stick to the script we ain’t got the time or patience for your new delicacies that you wanna try. Leave that for your girls’ night sleepover.
Rule 7: Television
This is an underrated rule. All of us aren’t TV aficionados’ but the bare minimum for this type of event is HD, at least 50 inches and should be mounted. If you don’t meet me this requirement you have to re-evaluate your participation in this event. Please don’t go renting a TV just to host some people that’s still gonna talk about you afterwards because they know you and they know you aint have that shit before and now you a 70” Super Ultra HD Curved TV. Fuck outta here. Stay true to yourself.
Rule 8: Be quiet during commercials
Listen on Sunday the different types of people that will be attendance at your house will vary to the passionate sports fan to the person that talks in Marshawn Lynch ( you know why I’m here). The one time where all people will be in unison will be watching commercials. People like the commercials. Social media lives for the commercials. Just admire their marketing strategy and patiently wait for the 3rd quarter.
Rule 9: Be careful who you invite
Nothing worse than mixing crowds and the event which was supposed to be glorious turns into a reality show and now the attention has shifted to something else because now there is tension in your house. You don’t want to hear these words, “oh you the bitch that sent that subliminal post what’s up now” or “you look like the hoe that put heart eyes emoji on my man’s post so when you see him you see me know that”. Be careful who you invite because everybody doesn’t mix well. For example if you a cursing bandit, I don’t think you inviting your pastor.
Rule 10: Have enough food
Look when you invite people to your house you want them to feel comfortable. The last thing you want is to run out of food by the end of the first quarter. You know people may show up late and they shouldn’t be like the big girl from House party when she said, “I never make it in time for the snacks”. Have more food and alcohol then you would normally need and under no circumstance do not double dip the chip. It shows you have no couth and you have no regard for the passing of germs and you must be banned. Mandatory food items should be chicken, pizza, chips and dip, one of those deli subs and desserts. If you are asked to bring something don’t be cheap. If they ask you to bring drinks don’t bring no mountain chill or Dr. Drink. If they ask you to bring liquor just ask the host what type of liquor they like. Please don’t be no OE, Hynpotiq or Mad dog 20/20 in my house because you gonna be mad dog and hindsight is 20/20.
Bonus Rule: Dress Appropriately
More than likely you will be in the living room or basement of someone’s house watching the game so dress appropriately. You coming to the party in a short dress and high heels just isn’t becoming of you because for one you’re going to keep getting up and walking around because everyone has to see your outfit and two don’t be the girl looking like a hussy. You know the game and how it goes you trying to get chose and that’s cool but doing it on super bowl Sunday is not really cool. Enjoy the game, commercials, food, drink, smoke and live for the Facebook commentary. God speed.